Looking for a Spark in the dark

[TimR]

Just want to point this out. When Spocks brother tried to take away Kirks pain what did James T say. "No its my pain... I need my pain, its what makes us who we are." We will make it through this with or with out our WS and our experience will make us who we are and we will be better than we were. Either our loose WS will get to enjoy our improvements or they wont.

BTW, I expect you are the only gal on the board that will get me trek reference which certainly makes you special in some circles.

[NYGal]

Well meaning friends who just "want us to be happy" don't get it like we do. They ARE well meaning, but they aren't in our relationships. Even my WW said the same thing-we shouldn't listen to what other people say necessarily because they aren't in our relationship. They don't know.

Four months into it I still sometimes feel like I just got the call saying someone I love has been killed in a car crash or something. The pain is so raw and so real and so immediate. It's impossible to understand if you're not experiencing it. We get it. We understand. We're here for each other. And we don't have to give up until we decide to. I like the phrase moving forward rather than moving on. I'm making changes I need to make to be happy(ish), but I'm not moving on. Not yet. And if friends don't understand why I can still love her and be willing to forgive her, well, they aren't in our relationship and they just don't get it.

[Rednail]

Your friends want you to feel better, because they love you.

But only you can chose your path because only you will have to live with the consequences of your decisions.

Follow your heart, Sparks.

You'll know when it's time for you to move on.

It's still early days for you. So many things can change.

In the meantime, be in the now, enjoy your friends, and forget about H for a few hours. You can worry about him tomorrow.

Thornton always has such good advice. I like what he said here. I hour you enjoyed your drinks with your friends! Thats what I did tonight

[Sparkls]

I did have some fun with my friends. Too much food, good company. But my subconscious apparently decided to pay me back for it. I ended up having the worst night sleep I've had almost since DDay. Just constant dreams about H and I'd wake up in the middle, turn over, fall back asleep and end up in some new hell of a dream. It's going to be a long day, at least I don't really have much to do.
Just really sitting here with a profound sense of hopelessness. I know we've all been there, and maybe I need to go read some reconciliation stories to remind me that things can change cause right now, I just don't see any light at the end of the tunnel. Another down in the roller coaster.

[Sparkls]

It's so quiet this morning.
Walked my dogs and ended up breaking down on the kitchen floor. Him coming by kind of messed with them and now they keep waiting by the door for him to come home. I can't even imagine how bad this is for those of you with kids, though the tiny saving grace there is they're forced to interact with you (for better or worse).

It's days like today I really wish there was a fast forward button on life. I just want to wake up in July when I've already started the next chapter of my life.
My friends all kept saying it's such a great fresh start and blah blah
And I just kept thinking how much I don't want to do it alone. Fresh start also means losing my entire support system (it's highly unlikely my friends will be near me and though there is phone and whatnot, life gets busy fast). I just keep thinking how much I don't want to do this alone. I know I'll be able to but I just really don't want to.
Looking at it objectively, in my life I have everything I absolutely need (a house, money to support myself, a career), but I have very little of what I *want*, and although Mick Jagger says we don't always get that, I'm having a rough time finding hope that some day I'll get something more.

[Thornton]

You are going to be ok. Not only ok, but you will thrive. You have a broken heart right now and it feels like it will never go away. It will. Time takes time, Sparks.

[broke]

Sparks - you are still so early in this process. You have been so much stronger than I ever was. Truly, give yourself a ton of credit. I'm sorry you are feeling low. It does hurt to see the wayward partner, then have them disappear again. It hurts to see that they've moved on so quickly. But I don't really think they are happy. I think they are trying different things to fill up their emptiness. I think those of us left behind trying to improve ourselves, face the pain before jumping into a new R will actually be better off. We will find out how to be happy alone and only add a new mate when we select the person that enhances our happiness. You will find that someday, sparks. You are young, smart, strong, caring, successful. You will get there. Bad day today but it will get better. One foot in front of the other.

[Sparkls]

Journaling for the day: Reminding myself that doing nothing is doing something.
The one thing I will say for myself is that although I have a crap ton of emotions that are LITERALLY all over the place on any given day, I haven't acted on any of them. How's that for self control. The picture WH has gotten is very different from how I'm actually feeling. (somewhat angry letter telling him he was disrespecting me, I deserved and for right now, he was not welcome in my home. Then the encounter yesterday with what I can best describe as upbeat indifference towards him (or at least thats what I hope it came across as).
I mean...kicking him out was based on emotion but also protecting myself and my home...
Today is 4 weeks from the first "I'm not happy and was going to leave you" speech and I feel like it's just only gotten worse. It went from theoretical plans that he kept delaying (I was going to leave you then, but I wanted to wait until you were done with school and blah blah). Affair came to light, he's gone, living with her, saying that it'll never work between us to anyone who will listen, and that he's going to move 2000 miles away. The little voice is saying believe nothing he's saying and little of what he's doing because he's just in a fog. It's a situation where I have no control except for when to say I'm done and I know right now, I'm not there. I was just talking to a dear family friend on the phone and he was being a little too "okay move on already" and I ended up snapping at him because everyone is telling me its over and to just get on with getting on and I'm not ready to. But it seems like he's moving on without me and so the only tiny bit of control I really had I feel like is getting ripped out of my hands. Ya know, at what point am I just being that sad pathetic girl who won't accept that her boyfriend dumped her.
On the other weird hand, he hasn't gotten all of his stuff, hasn't changed our FB status, hasn't removed me as a friend on his Xbox, all the things you normally do when you're burning the bridge with your ex, right? That must mean there's some hesitancy, some desire to still have me in his life. And as long as there's that, there's hope.
Or he's lazy and just hasn't gotten around to it.
I hate this. I really, really hate this.

[Thornton]

Sparks!

Hang in there, weekends are really tough for me too. They give me a lot of time to be alone with my thoughts.

I hate this as much as you do. It's so hard to wrap our minds around it isn't it?

Keep working towards dropping that rope. You are in withdrawal right now, very similar to coming off drugs. It takes time.

In regards to what H is thinking, who knows. It's all mind reading at this point. Try not to let yourself get sucked into that obsessive vortex. Easier said than done, I know.

And you aren't a sad pathetic girl, Sparks. You have a big heart. And big hearts can get broken. But big hearts also get experience the deepest love there is.

If things with W don't work out for me, I will be looking for a girl that has a heart like yours. I won't settle for less.

What do you have planned for tomorrow? Can you get to the gym?

[Sparkls]

I'm going out with friends to play some disc golf in the morning, despite the fact that the high I think is like 45. :-p

The big problem for me right now is that its all pretty much weekends. In school right now, I only have class on tues and thurs for like 2 hours. Way too much free time on my hands. I can try to fill it but a girl can only GAL so much and so I end up at home with my dogs.

Today was so rough cause I had to see him yesterday. And that whole encounter was so weird and uncomfortable that I don't even know how to make it sit in my brain properly. Like, there was a box of his stuff in the bedroom, already boxed up, that he took out of the box and put in a drawer. I'm not really going to read into that other than to say that it was a very odd thing to do. (and it was a box of weird [censored] like his old high school letterman jacket and his grandpas old army jacket).

Just got off the phone with my dad and he always seems to calm me down a little bit (mainly because he's been there, done that, got the crazy town t-shirt with my mom. He can kind of see both sides, she cheated for decades, he finally left after 25 years of marriage, took the kids, she was devastated, got back together for a few years, that was even more toxic, finally left for good when I was 16). We were basically saying that H is living in a fantasy land with the euphoria of the A and finally not having responsibilities and whatnot. That won't last, it'll come crashing down. And the only real question is do I hang around and wait for that. And my answer, for now at least, is yes. I've got time. My struggle is with how to wait around when we're NC. How will I know the fog has started to lift, cause I'm not sure he'll come to me when it does of his own accord, because he's stubborn or ashamed or whatever his reason. I guess I struggle with how to make sure he knows the door is open. And then I feel like I"m getting ahead of myself and to just slow down and cross that bridge if we ever get there.