surrealism is not my style

[ciluzen]

So, V, after reading, re-reading and marinating on the ideas you posted, I've come to the conclusion that it just doesn't matter.

I can understand the dynamics at play here, and it is very educational and interesting for future things to look out for, but I'm not going to try to control this situation. I'm letting go to let H find his own way on his own journey. I can drive myself insane and get angry and bitter about the situation, but it won't help me to be a better person.

He wants to give up me, everything we built together including our family unit, and pay for it by taking a financial hit...he can. I will make sure I take the high road and continue to listen, validate, and treat him lovingly when he is present; but I will make sure I do my best to make sure I am compensated for my 26 years as his wife, lover, financial advisor, accountant, decorator, mother of his children, nurse, scheduler, receptionist, artist, housekeeper, gardener, cook, landscaper, etc. This D I will treat as a business transaction. H has maintained that I am a nice person and that he is a selfish b#st@&d. I'm not out to get him or get "revenge", but we'll see if he still thinks this when we're done.

I am going to continue to DB as if my H is in an MLC. I will stand for my M by letting it go, as Zues said. H shows many signs and symptoms, and has for years. They (he) have evolved, as well. Not sure what stage he's in, but it doesn't really affect what I'm doing. I hope if he really is, that he is able to hit bottom at some point and make it through. He was a wonderful man at one point...I'm sure there are many who have never seen him without his mask, as I have, who still think he is. I believe that wonderful man I knew and loved is even further inside still, cowering away from whoever it is that wears the mask of "wonderful man".

Right now, I'm working on finding a summer job (I work for a school and have summers off), setting up meetings at a few universities to see what it would take to for me to enter a masters degree program after 26 years away from school, and trying to ready my house for sale, with and without H. I am also trying to GAL and nurture my new friendships that I have so quickly made in this crisis. I have a fairly full plate. I'm also stepping into the cloud of the unknown, as I have no idea what will happen beyond this month financially, socially, or, really in any aspect of my life.

But, really. I'm ok.