To me the A wasn't the deal breaker, the other stuff is enough. So what is the bottom line? Ignoring an A, how bad would H behaviour have to go before you detach?
our marriage was not good. We never set it up right from the beginning regarding a lot of stuff. We kind of just winged it and then when big issues came up, it became too much. We had no commutation skills, and we were not meeting each other's needs. Husband slowly withdrew over the years. He left us without clear communication and without a plan. He said goal was reconciliation. This was really bad behavior... To walk out on us like that. To refuse to give me an answer. His neglect was really bad to. This is enough for someone to walk away. But for some reason I cannot leave.
If I found out later, that I put up with all of this and there was an affair I would be furious. Especially at myself. Why wasn't this enough for me to have some pride and walk away? Leaving us is enough. It has been 9 months now that he has been physically gone. ,
Look I am not saying unattach, you can still stand for M. For a new M and that can be H. Ignore what he says and of course take note of only have of that which he does.
he does nothing. Work has been his priority. He says it and shows it. A marriage cannot survive that. He says he has to provide. He has always said that. His job does not pay overtime, so it has never made sense. I suspect I am pretty sure that because of his ocd, he might have to put more time into things in order to complete them (he was like this with taxes and resume etc.... He says he has to provide for kids but would not pay child support. There is no sense.
I believe in Intel, I truly believe in knowing, when I filed I had to know so that if I wanted I could go for Adultery in my D. If your state is a fault state then it's important too. My spider sense says there is an EA likely in another jurisdiction and it would be difficult to uncover. So the first thing I would want to do is keep a diary of H location. You would need access to his phone or computer to really know. A local A is likely to be easier to uncover, a half decent PI can do this, and if it really matters to you then hire one. If this was the case then I suggest he may not consider moving away. Do you know where he is looking to live? Does his current employer have offices there? Statistics show us the majority of As are work related and start with an EA. a PA may require the little blue pill which may not be good for his heart.
. Our state is a no fault. At this point, finding Intel would be like finding a needle in a haystack. His schedule is irregular. He lives away, I have no access to his stuff. Even if I did, he is extremely computer and technology savy...I'm talking went to school for it, lives, breathes, and works technology. Plus he a perfectionist and ocd and has always been protective of all of his stuff because he has a lot of friends that actually hack for fun. I am opposite.
Alternatively there could be another compulsion or if he moves then any waywardness may be in his grasp. H may be delaying.
. The two of us always had plans to move away because we could not afford it here and more higher paying opportunities in his field in other states. If we divorce, and both stay here we will both struggle. If he moves away, he will be choosing to leave kids. I will have freedom to move anywhere I want but would need to stay for help with childcare, so forced to struggle financially. Also, dividing kids every other weekend is easier emotionally and gives me a break then having him take them for 1 big stretch Is there a woman he likes in other office? Of course that would explain so much. But again I have no proof and no way of getting any.
Living with in laws is often really stressful in an M. I think his analysis of too much is a good one.
. Yes. This was the worst thing we could have done. He completely detached while he was here. But when I asked him to move out, he said he only would if I returned to work full time (logistically impossible at time). He had set me up for failure and was really just looking for excuse to walk out.
If it were me then I would detach and include that there is a good possibility that H is wayward in his thoughts, in the planning stage of an A or will look for an A eventually.
yes I am trying to detach. I am putting it in my mind that I am going to divorce. I am coming to terms with it. I understand the things we did wrong. Both of us. I feel like it is fixable, but if he does not want to do anything, I cannot certainly save the marriage if he does not want it saved
Julie H isn't stringing you along, sweetheart he is very clear he has sacked you as his W. You are stringing yourself along. He isn't treating you in any particular way, he has just said "no R" and that's his choice. You keep asking him won't help, he feels it's none of your business. He may be lying or not although he will feel ready to move on when he does.
. I feel like he is. first he said goal was reconciliation, then he said no reconciliation, then he said yes reconciliation, now he says "he can't say yes or no" and that he "has to get myself straightened out first" "I don't know, I have to get career straightened" out"
My DB coach did say that men involved in affairs are usually quick to request a divorce. My husband hasn't said this yet. He keeps saying he needs space.
Eventually it will unfold. Eventually even if he hasn't already he will move on its a question of time and he may feel that's ok. Your need to know isn't his need to tell.
. That's a horrible way to treat someone. Why would he not tell me? Perhaps he is too busy and stressed to deal with legal issues, and is waiting for his life to calm down. Coach says he struggles because he is still connected. Comments like that keep me hanging on but I worry they keep me in denial too.
Another poster here stuck with attachment is APeace (Ghost) so wrapped up in whether his W is wayward or not that he is stuck cycling. Looping. Fearing being abandoned that his W having an A makes that certain. Ironically a spouse being wayward often makes it easier to stand, it adds gravitas and a focus.
Walking away is harder to explain but R is more likely. But only if the LBS gets their stuff together. Di-Mond appears to be in this sitch, her H is a WAH whose compulsion is gaming., she has handled this beautifully and mastered her major problems and is becoming someone only a roll would leave.
i will check out her sitch. Thank you. If he is a WAS, for me their is more compassion and I move forward differently because I don't feel the pressures from the legal situation.
Julie, you have a lot of work to do on you, a great deal in fact to be healing. You are not crazy, you are moving through the Kubler Ross grief curve. In fact you may have two going on together which are cycling to different length cycles, enhancing some phases.
definatly anger. What is other one? do you think denial? That is scary for me, because I like to be honest with myself and self aware.
Your first focus needs to be Julie and her children, the focus on whether H is wayward or not is getting in the way of you focusing on you, doing that which is right for you, irrespective of its affect on your R.
I know this. Although legal and financial decisions to consider with me moving on. Some of which are good for me and kids if we reconcile but very bad for me and kids if we do not and vice versa. This is major source of stress for me and gets in way.
Quite often there is childhood trauma trapped in this, so I am going to ask is this a factor? . I truly cannot think of any. No infidelity in my family, no divorce. Just negative and cynical parents. I Discovered Major childhood tragedy in husbands childhood that he has no clue about though that explains so much. It explains his obsession with providing and working and his neglect of kids.
There is a reason you are trapped, it's serving a purpose for you. What is it doing for you?
my inability to walk away from Partner even though I am not being treated well. This was my experience with my first relationship as well. I don't know why. Fear of making a decision and acting on it? Being risk adverse? Walking away from marriage is big risk and heavy complications.
Can you get to the bottom of it, I don't care about your H iwaywardness, it's you I am concerned about.
If uncertainty is getting in the way of you healing and growing then why is that?
. Because I lack confidence to make a decision that will affect my future. I don't know if i am right in my judgements. (This must be FOO thing). Thank you.
