I cant help but notice a lot of contradictions in your statements as well as conclusions.
You mention you saw her worried but did not want to ask her in view of how things were but you were up for sweaty sex if she agreed. Where is the sense in that?
You talk about detaching but most of your posts are based on what she did or said to the minute details? If she played a particular song I am sure you will post asking if the lyrics mean anything and if the chorus reflects what she is feeling ... that sort of thing. Where is the detachment there?
You ask about having sex but still maintain the "IDFYA" statement in your head. You even question your attractiveness and mention you work out. What do you think a woman finds attractive? Why do women prefer the bad boys? Maybe because they treat everyone bad except her so she special? And if they are bad ass because she also feels protected? Do you think she will call them out because they forgot to take out the trash? I am not a "hot" guy (unless im sunbathing) but I have found myself more successful with women after learning how to interact with them. Interaction is fundamental but the real strength is self confidence. Be the guy who will get his nails painted pink for his daughter at home but turn his wife face down in the pillows on a sweaty night. Who will listen to the ramblings of his wife and call her out if she oversteps but drop the guy who says something inappropriate to her in a club. Examples.
You do 90% of the chores in and out of the house while she has a lie in yet you allow her to say she feels like a mother to you. When I was younger there was a person who did what you did and the house budget as well. She was my mother.
IMHO I think that your biggest problem is your attitude which results in all these issues. A strong pro active TNS (Take No Sh1t) attitude if in place automatically answers many of the questions for you as well as stop you from doing many actions.
You are always on the defensive. You are always batting out the balls thrown at you and then judged on your response. God forbid any get through. Change the game. Football/soccer. Become the goalkeeper and her the one taking the penalty. No one likes taking penalties when the game is on the line. They have more to lose.
Grow a pair and take the battle to her. She knows there will be peace so long as she wants it and she knows how to unsettle you. Unsettle her, make her start thinking about what is going through your head rather than hers. It is what we call changing the dynamics.
If she comes to give you a kiss on the lips put your cheek. If she comes to kiss your cheek, turn so it is cheek to cheek. If she goes to give you a hug do a 1 second hug, pat her on the back a couple of times to let her know you finished and continue what you are doing. If she goes to hold your hand, lift it up, kiss it with a peck and let go and continue with hands separated. Be amicable, caring but keep your distance.
NEVER NEVER initiate.
When she said the "hopefull we can at least ..." your reply was still needy and put on a plate a chance for her to shoot you down which she has a habit of. Something else you seem to overlook when worried about holding hands. Why not say "dont know about that but for sure parents to these amazing kids".
You dont seem to have much success at the MC. So here's a question, what would happen if you turned around tommorrow and said you were cancelling your sessions because you need to sort yourself out before having someone else do it. You need to make sure all the pieces are there before you attempt to make the puzzle.And you do cancel. How would she react?
The moment you stop worrying about p1ssing her off is the moment you start regainning self esteem and respect and seeing where you really are in this M. Which at this moment is with your b@lls under her stiletto.
One thing before I sign off. I know a lot may not agree with you or anyone else. Fine, but when you do defend your posture ask if it is because I am wrong or because you are worried about her reaction.
Sandi says that our W will challenge us and throw a fit if we stand ground but deep down they accept it and admire it.
