Middle of the night here in the Midwest. Just spent a wonderful day with my family. Had a thought about my H. I was thinking just how pathetic I feel because my H didn't seem to find me worthy enough to be faithful to. Then, I realized that HE is the pathetic one and I feel sorry for him. We were so blessed with two beautiful boys and no major problems to speak of until he allowed himself "to fall for the OW". We had typical communication issues after being together 25 years, but truly nothing that I was concerned about.
Vanilla wrote something about our WAS's feeling empty and finding things to fill themselves up with. For me, that's relationships with other people - my H, my family, my boys, my friends, all of you. I truly believe my H is lost, searching for things to fill him up but looking in all the wrong places. He is empty and I'm glad that I'm not him. I'd hate to be him if he ever comes out of the "affair fog" and figures out what he's truly given up and lost.
Just let me add to my post about the difference between being alone and loneliness.
Those who are empty are lonely, they do not have an R with themselves. Buddahs, Hermits and Wisemen, those who meditate and are mindful are alone although never lonely because they commune with that which is. Nuns And Monks in strict religious environs are full of the higher power. Loneliness is the emptiness inside which is vacated by self. Nothingness of spirit and soul destruction.
Sending a child to the naughty step or a teenager to their room impacts greatly, it is why the head of a school leaves kids waiting until disciplining, why solitary confinement is so impacting on offenders, but not so on Nelson Mandela.
When an LBS reaches out to others, it from an alone state, to truly communicate and grow, to understand. It is not from loneliness, those here who heal and shift do so from communicating. They offer of themselves, I recollect a conversation with Jellyb when she said I have little to offer as my R did not repair, my answer is this journey is actually not really about repairing R directly, it is about becoming and creating an environment in which a new R can become.
I do not believe As and the fog that goes with them are true connection with another, in fact the OP is irrelevant, they could be an image, alcohol, gambling or other compulsion. It is a distraction a way of triggering feel good hormones. It can't last, maximum 2 years and then either wake up, a different OP or addiction.
Waywards, abusers and from what I can see and read MLCers don't do much of giving as to do so means feedback reflection and risks growth and that risks knowing. It can of course happen if there is a truth dart or reality bites, I have heard of it when they get arrested or have a DUI or find themselves bankrupt or catch an STD or find their OP is unfaithful. When reality bites. When they realise what they have lost and the consequences of their behaviours. Then there is a choice to leave the cheese less tunnel.
I always say that in the end it is the LBS that truly chooses their own path.
DB is for you and you do that which works for you. You build your life for you.
You are not alone when you do that, you are not empty and lonely.
My take
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
