Two Wolves

[CaliGuy]

GAL suggestion......there's a band you might want to see playing on April Fool's Day at the Legacy brewery in Oside......say hello to the drummer for me. 7-10.

I would ch CL them out but I DJ C-bad Friday nights, we were packed last week which always helps my ego a touch 😊

[CaliGuy]

Thanks Bright, and I agree... She is going to hit a serious spin cycle I think as I'm not available... Not even responding towards anything non S related and honestly right now I'm good with that... She picked her path and she can go it alone

[kml]

I would ch CL them out but I DJ C-bad Friday nights, we were packed last week which always helps my ego a touch

Then swing by the pet food store by the fancy movie theater/library near your new place on march 19th around 5 pm - i hear they're playing there too.

[Fogg]

Just wanted to say I'm still reading along cali and wish you the best. Still love reading about your sitch and how you handle things.

[AJM]

Hi Cali. I'd like to say I'm surprised, but let's face it, it's been brewing. Along with you, I wonder at the why you needed to go through this. And then again, I don't

Sorry for your son and what he's had to see. I would guess there will be some anger there. For a very long time. Good thing he has his father to help him with that.

As for the rest - here's to the next steps and not wondering about that part of your life any longer.

I'm sure there will be many emotions in the next few years for you, but I also know you are in a place where you can handle it. I also know there is much better ahead. And that you're ready for that as well - you'll see what I mean later as it unfolds

My hat's off to you. You're a classy guy with a lot of integrity. Your son is very lucky to have YOU in his life. And you're very lucky to be tested the way you were.

God speed.

AJ

[bttrfly]

Cali thanks for the update. I'm really proud of you. You have certainly done a hero's job here ... now it's time for you to find out what's next for you. While none of us would have wished this for you, I am excited about what the future holds for you. Yes, you will have a lot of healing to do and I have no doubt that when you are ready you will begin that part of your journey.

I don't think it's softening to pray to God for her. One thing my H's grandfather always said is that forgiveness is everything. He was right. When we don't forgive it not only keeps us tied to the person, it causes more damage to ourselves. I know it's way too early here to be talking about that but file it away for later. You've gone through so much. The last thing you need is more damage from this. xoxoxoxo

[bttrfly]

^forgiveness doesn't mean you forget or allow more damage from w either cuz I love the boundaries you've set and that you are looking at your needs finally being met ... just to be clear. what i mean is a deeper level of letting go so you can truly move on and heal xoxoxo

[uRworthy]

Hey Luke...man, life sure has some twists and turns and ups and downs and rounds and rounds...well, you get the picture.

So, it's normal to try to understand why you had to have this particular journey. The thing is that the reasons will unfold when they do and sometimes we never really know for sure.

I do believe that you needed to know that you did all you could. I think you needed to get to this place in this way or you would alwaysw wonder. I also think that it was important to you that your son saw that you tried. You showed him some amazing stuff.

But he also saw some not so amazing stuff and he will need your help. I know you are up to the task.

As for your wife, she is still broken and deeply in the tunnel. I suspect that her health stuff scares her a lot. But none of that is your problem. Doesnt mean you cant pray for her, though, right? Doesnt cost you anything to do that.

The truth of it is that they have to walk this on their own. They cant do that while looking over their shoulder at us. They just cant.

No one knows what the future holds except that it holds you. Now you continue your journey in your wonderful Cali way. The very best thing you can do for her is to let her go. It doesnt mean you dont love her...it just means that you want her to have the best chance of becoming whole one day.

I am so glad to hear about your apartment. It sounds wonderful. Try really hard to let go of trying to figure it all out and just accept that this was how it was meant to play out.

You are going to be great, Luke. Take care of that amazing boy of yours. Be there for him. Listen to him. Love him up.

I am always around....

[CaliGuy]

Well I came into work early to get a jump on things as things really have picked up (Thank God for the distractions) and as I arrived no phones/internet .. nothing so my hands are tied I figured I would journal/update a bit … been meaning to do it but honestly not much to say as I have accepted it and there has not been much movement.



This is about as dark as I have ever been with her. It’s been about a month since I seen the text/image, and with the new arrangement I drop S off at school vs her place, and pick him up from school as does she at the moment as her contract job she is able to. Speaking of which …. Thoughts that have crossed my mind about her contract job, its hourly and she has missed considerable time and the cynic she is setting up things for D and making sure her income is lower than it would be .. the hurt angry little boy is really wondering how long OM was in picture without me knowing .. if he was gone at all. Seems I fell for a seriously hard Touch and Go …. Lesson learned and I am in a way grateful for it as I have reset my boundaries and have refocused on myself and my son and have really been at peace over all with things, sure bouts of sadness and anger come up … especially when I drop off S but I see it when it happens and do not allow myself to stay there long.



Contact with her has been limited, Saturdays with S’s baseball games, she sits on the visitor teams side and avoids me at all cost. Just seeing her angers me a bit, I try not to be that way but its helped me detach …. I catch her looking my direction during the games and think to myself .. “Is this how it’s going to be … it’s sad” She is back to looking stressed mostly but all over S with ILY’s and striving to be Supermom, buying him somethings every weekend. I told S to live it up … chuckle to myself how sad she is and how the guilt seems to be bubbling to the surface, received a text yesterday “You have to stop blaming me for everything that just shows your immaturity” … out of the blue and not sure what she was referring to … again I did not reply as I have really ignored her.



I have accepted my W died in a MLC train wreck back in 2013, her ghost visits now and them but mostly it’s just seeing her zombie corpse walking around … she is dead to me and that’s [censored] to say but its how I feel. Maybe one day she bottoms out and is faced with what she has done, I do feel sorry for her when/if that day comes but I also thing the guilt and reality will send her right back in the tunnel as it did the past few months. I still pray for her, I hope one day she will find peace and I hope someday she can be a good mother to our child but I am not counting on it any longer. My Mediation appointment is set for Mar 17, ironically 2 years to the day I learned she contracted the STD, more fuel to my sails to get me past it I think. I have just a couple concerns but mostly have all the documents prepared.



My GALs have been pretty active, this time around I do get S a bit more which I look forward to, our bond is very strong and growing. We do not talk much about the sitch but I do bring it up to get him to know I love him, its not anything to do with him, and I am ‘here’ if he wants to talk. Saturday night we had a nice day, finger foods, movies, video games and just enjoyed the day. During the movie he curled up on the couch next to me and I asked him what he was thinking … he said “Good thoughts Dad” I asked “Like what” he replied “How you are the best dad ever, you play with me, coach my baseball, spend time with me, we watch movies together and wrestle, we always have fun just being crazy” … warmed my hear and almost broke a tear the little … fill in the blank. I have Softball, work, Football keepings me busy … had a great game yesterday 5 sacks and 2 TDs against kids half my age … total ego boost and felt good having some food and beers with the fellas after the game.



All in all I am good, grounded and at this time just taking things one day at a time. I am not so sure I am really standing for the M anymore, I would love to say if she woke up I would take her back but I know she is not waking anytime soon and if she ever did the amount of things I would need to see most likely outweigh anything someone would do to earn back the trust she totally demolished, I deserve better than what she can give and I will NEVER settle for less. For now I still carry myself as M, and most likely will till the D is finalized and I will deal with that bridge when it comes, there is a good deal of healing I know I must go through. Currently I bounce back and forth with W, seeing her as the Science Project and its more out of curiosity … then not understanding how someone can totally destroy everything like she did .. TWICE and writing her off as being dead to me…. God willing I will get through all this, I have to .. there is no fail option for me nor S, I will be better/stronger/wiser from all this .. not sure what the lessons are but I know I was meant to learn them.



Hope you all are well, I continue to read but seldom post … I know there is ‘success stories’ but would be lying if I felt like anything short of saving a marriage makes me feel like one. I know I have improved and made huge steps in progress but I also am disappointed in allowing W back when I did thinking she would continue to work through the issues, I let my guard down and really see no possible R for my M, I know I will be ok but I would be lying if I wasn’t disappointed as for my S I never ever wanted a broken family for him.

[HaWho]

Hi Cali - I so understand your disappointment for your son's sake. We all want in tact marriages for our kids. Someday, when your s is old enough and understands what really happened, he will see you as a man of integrity. This happened to you and your son and you, of course, can only control your share.

As for the mediation, I too live in CA. I have an acquaintance who divorced in CA as her h cheated on her. (I now believe he was in MLC but back then had no comprehension of such a thing.). Anyway she did intimate that she was awarded more in the divorce due to his cheating. I am not sure if such a thing is still accurate but I am sure you have covered this base.

Also, given your wife's reduced income due to her contract employment status, I am wondering if something can be written in the agreement to review salary every x amount of time?

Take care.