Wife has filed for divorce

[excile101]

My problem Cristy is that the children are suffering now because of my w's frustration towards me. The D is in progress and my wife wanting space is probably the only way for me let her miss me and the marriage.

I have stayed in the house for over 2 months now and tried DB but nothing has worked. She is resolute whilst I am here and I'm sure her mom and sister giving her bad advice is not helping.

The messages I get seem to be about justifying her reasons to D. She speaks of possible solutions now, but never offered anything like counselling or therapy before. Everything was swept under the carpet or I would get emails threatening that if I didn't change, it was over. All it did was make me go underground and hope that the storm would pass.

Vapo, I will go through the list as you requested with my take....

- The issues with my D8 were mainly caused with her being bullied at school. She then started to mimic my w's attitude towards me, has attachement issues and my w did nothing to support me, infact, continued to start arguments with me in front of her. I felt isolated.

- The issues with showing love and being giving, yes I am at fault for not being overly loving, but I adored the children and my w, but she couldn't see it. She would criticize me for not being selfless enough, although now she says that I have improved.

-The lack of intimacy was a major problem. I watched porn, but the models I would choose resembled my w. I was literally fantasizing about my own w!! She was not interested, I felt I could never get close to her. We didn't talk about intimacy or sex. She was so unapproachable. In the end, it was easier to "get off" to porn than try harder. Never was sex therapy an option until this letter.

-My hobbies used to be an issue as I have always played in bands and was a semi pro guitarist. After we married, I stopped gigging and just played for my own enjoyment. She resented it and saw it as a waste of time and that it took me away from time with her and the children. It was a big part of who I was. I stopped playing completely in September of last year to make her happier. It didn't work.

- The communication issue was a major problem. We never really talked about us. It was generally about the kids and we were always too tired in the evening. She would withdraw into herself and so would I. Never was counselling a suggestion at the time. Lack of compassion may have been her way of saying that I was not listening to her. I agree, maybe I missed a great deal of things out of fear of being criticized or left.

- My latest job was an issue for her. I had been made redundant twice in two years. I took what I could get in my field. The work involved me starting at 5am and finishing at 2pm. She thought I was shirking and not earning enough. That will now change as I have finally found a high paying, long hours position...she isn't interested in any of it now. Our lives could be so much better but she is too resolute with the D.

-My W did everything around the house and with the kids. She dealt with all the finances but also, didn't allow me to have any say over anything. I felt like a child in my own home.
She then lost respect for me and didn't see me as a man anymore.

The porn has really hit her hard. She thinks she is not attractive. I think that it may be the one issue that if she can work through, even have therapy, may help us. I feel like we never really knew each other deeply. She would presume things about me and I didn't pay enough attention or show enough interest, Partly, I was scared of upsetting her but failed anyway.

Moving out, bettering myself and living my own life seems the only solution. If she sees the change then her heart may soften with time. I don't know, I need step by step advice specific to my sitch.