Help - Married for 20 years. My WAW held it together for years but in 2015 she started chopping away. 2016 started out by us being separated in the same house. I've made lots of changes in myself - but no real notice yet from her. I need practical ideas that will help my 180. I've been doing many of the tactics that Michele recommends - but I need more. Any ideas? My window of time may be closing. Here is what I have been doing.
Building a good relationship with my youngest - trying to reduce the nonsense.
Being financial responsible - on my way
Completing tasks/projects around the house that are years overdue
alternating between being available, helpful, etc and being absent and distant.
Going to others to get things done that she typically did - life is going on without her.
I'm taking charge on meals (alternate days, etc). She did all the meal prep since time began.
Please send me your ideas/tactics that will work. All ideas are welcome. Let me know what is working for you.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Thanks for the reply. I've two of her books and have engaged one of coaches. I've been through the links and will continue to reference them. I love the lighthouse story. I really need some more practical ideas. In some respects I'm trying to become a super husband (Without chasing/pursing) considering I was a mediocre one for so long. I'm hoping/guessing that will break the patterns of past.
Hi, the more we know about the relationship, kids, home life, problems, etc., the better we can help with practical ideas.
I will caution you about putting your Super Husband cape on and trying to do all your work and hers, too. It does not impress the W that feels done with the MR, nor does she really appreciate it. It is common for a H to finally wake up and then swing too far out in his attempts to make up for the times he left all for her to do. The key is to stay balanced. Do your part, but don't do everything. Sometimes, it has the reverse effect you want.
Getting on projects that have been waiting for years is great. Finishing uncompleted job is really great! It must make you feel better about yourself, to see what you can accomplish. Don't be disappointed if she doesn't have a lot of praise or appreciation. She may act as if she barely notices. Don't look to her to validate what you've accomplish, just know within yourself that you have done a good job.
The reason I said don't look to her, is b/c at this point, she may think if she shows excitement or even appreciation for your work, you may misinterpret it to mean things are much better between the two of you.
Has your W said she wants a divorce? Has she said if the M is over, or that she is done with it?
In-house separation is really, really hard. You are going to need a lot of support, so I hope you come every day and talk with us.
Do some deep thinking about yourself, bad habits, what you need to improve as a man. Don't pour all your energy into doing things for her. Look within to see what needs changing there. Become the man she fell in love with.....or better. What kind of man would he be?
What are the ages of you and wife? Kids?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks Sandi2 for your reply - sorry for the long time between posts. I thought things were going well.
Here are the details.
I'm 48 She is 51
Yes - she has said she is done with the marriage. She has not taken any steps to move out. One of Michelle's coaches has told me that her inaction is a good sign as it shows confusion.
I've turned off the will to chase/pursue. Although tonight I did a little chasing and acted badly when I was rejected. But, on the whole I've been OK at trying to be detached. It's a struggle.
Married 20 plus years Children Female 20 not living at home, Male 15, and Male 10.
We got married after baby was conceived. I did not step up right away and say lets get married. It took 6 months after the baby was born. This is still a sore spot.
I have been a bad husband - I could not manage money and my career has not gone well. We've had several close calls with money.
In the last 3 years she has gone back to work in the last year has found her "calling" in a technology community. She feels this is her life work and I have prevented her from being part of it. Further, she feels that I only want to control her and will only let her get involved with things I approve of.
She went to a couple of conferences in 2015 - one without my "buy in/approval". While she was there she started an emotional affair. I snooped on her phone and found out about it. I contacted him and he backed off. She now blames me and is mad because she thought the Other guy was a friend when I'm sure he just wanted her on at his finger tips and/or make it physical when the time came. She feels played by him and feels this is one more time I tried to control her.
Since Jan we have been separated in house. Yes, the super husband has come out. I've not expected her to acknowledge the work for the reasons you have pointed out. It is satisfying to get the projects done and I kind of enjoy the fact that she is noticing and not saying anything. It's kind of a false tension i.e. she is choosing not to "reward" me and I know she is not going to recognize it. I'm kinda waiting for her to "burst" with a "will you stop already".
I want to be the best man I can be. I hope that is the man she wants. Her current passion is like an affair - she is throwing all her energy into it. Doing the bare min for her kids and it does not help she is hating her work right now.
Like I said I need practical, tactical things I can do. I get the strategy - but I need help in the day to day.
As I said she is planning/saying she is moving out. One of the reasons I've been doing much of the house work is to show her that I'll/we'll be OK when she is gone. That I/we won't be lost without her.
I am taking care of myself the best I can. I'm in the best physical condition I have every been. Lean, fit, committed to my fitness. My work is going well - not great but good. I'm hoping it improves - but my mental energy is not quite there. I've been trying to improve the relationships with my kids. Friends/family have been tough - as most are saying we need to split and I should not be a door mat.
I'm trying to be mysterious - but I struggle with that. I need a practical/tactical guide on how to be unavailable.
I'm really tempted to tell her to get out - but I know that will not work to bring her back.
Sandi2 and anyone else. Your words of encouragement and ideas are very much needed.
Thanks
Biggybiz
M:50 W:53 MR:20 D:21 S:17 S:11 BD-Sept 2015 Suspected PA Sept 2015-Confronted W & OM Dec 2015 Actually EA In house Sep:Jan/16-May 2016 W moved out:May 22 2016 OM-Intro Oct/17-On scene July/Aug 2017
Hey Cadet, Sandi2 anyone else. I read the "rules" on what to do when she is in an affair. My W is so involved in her work/passion that it's like an affair. I've started turning off my "nice" steps. I took back the MBR, trying to make her more accountable for house stuff, Keep convo's short, etc. Should I tell her it's time to move out? One of the rules is she will have her cake and eat it too. My DBR coach her lack of action shows confusion, so should I keep her close and hope to influence her? Or one of the rules says
She has to suffer some type of loss (due to her decisions) in order to shake her from her fantasy fog. - If I tell her to move out will that be the kind of loss that could shake her from her fog?
Let me know your thoughts.
M
M:50 W:53 MR:20 D:21 S:17 S:11 BD-Sept 2015 Suspected PA Sept 2015-Confronted W & OM Dec 2015 Actually EA In house Sep:Jan/16-May 2016 W moved out:May 22 2016 OM-Intro Oct/17-On scene July/Aug 2017
She has to suffer some type of loss (due to her decisions) in order to shake her from her fantasy fog. - If I tell her to move out will that be the kind of loss that could shake her from her fog?
You think it is that simple?
It will probably be YOUR loss and YOUR fault.
If that was the solution this site would be called "kick em to the curb" not divorcebusting.
How is reading the rest of the homework and the book going?
Thanks Cadet. No I don't think it is simple. The reading is great, the coach is fab, the homework is hard. I'm not sure I understand. If the rules say she has to experience her own loss to get out of her fantasy fog am I just supposed to wait till that happens? Am I not enabling her. She is hardly a mom, she hides in the basement - losing herself to her "online community" where she feels she belongs (like an affair).
I get she is in a crisis, I've turned off the "nice" and certainly taken off the super husband cape. Everything I'm doing is for kids and I. According to the rules - she see's me as the enemy
Any and all ideas are welcome.
M:50 W:53 MR:20 D:21 S:17 S:11 BD-Sept 2015 Suspected PA Sept 2015-Confronted W & OM Dec 2015 Actually EA In house Sep:Jan/16-May 2016 W moved out:May 22 2016 OM-Intro Oct/17-On scene July/Aug 2017
Just my personal opinion asking or indicating in any way for her to move out would be a mistake. She will not get to see your GALing as readily nor will she see your improvements as well. This is just my opinion. Before I knew of the A, I had a big argument with WW and suggested she stay with her mom for a bit. Well guess what she got a house to rent and now OM comes over a lot and I am alone. I cannot really work on it except the few brief text or phone exchanges we have and since she moved out she has become tons more angry. This is just my opinion.
Me 41 W 33 M 2013 Suspect A 11/15 Confirm A 1/16 She moved out 2/14/16 Stepson 13 Stepson 16
Thanks TimR et al. You have talked me off the ledge. So telling her to move out bad idea. I kinda feel caught. The coach says don't talk about the future and it's hard to show her I'm getting a life if I don't start planing for a future. So agreed step one keep her close, step two keep up the GAL, fitness, planning family activities with the kids and getting her to participate (which she often does). What is Step three ? Like I said I need practical ideas that show her I'm GAL and the kids and I will be fine without her. As I said, Fitness is off the charts, I'm doing my share plus more of housework, catching up on home repairs, cleaning up financial mess, building my business,going to church, trying to find time to see friends and family. But, its all becoming regular - I need practical ideas on how to "disrupt" her and keep her guessing.
M:50 W:53 MR:20 D:21 S:17 S:11 BD-Sept 2015 Suspected PA Sept 2015-Confronted W & OM Dec 2015 Actually EA In house Sep:Jan/16-May 2016 W moved out:May 22 2016 OM-Intro Oct/17-On scene July/Aug 2017
