Been a little while since I posted, thank you for checking up on me. Rd, you're still my hero. V, I hope to hug you in real life some day. Anna, I bet you're just gorgeous in real life...
I've been dropping by threads when I can to lend some support, but like many of that have been here for a bit, it's hard to see all the new posters and feel the panic and anxiety bursts that come from reading their threads. I can viscerally feel their pain.
Here's my update.
Life sitch: Amazing. I feel as blessed as a man could be despite my external circumstances. I'm on the road, traveling, meeting incredible people, watching synchronistic events unfold left and right. Been reading eye opening books (Daring Greatly, Return to Love) and listening to inspirational podcasts everyday that have seeped into my being and I can feel the change in my day to day experience. Most days I find myself SO overcome with gratitude. So much so that sometimes it stops me in my tracks for a second and I say out loud, "Woh!"
Today I spent the morning volunteering at a nursing home, reading to patients, listening to war stories (WWII - my lord those guys were badasses), and enjoying the chit out of the older folks. Despite the joy I get from the people, it's a tough place to be and I have to stop and catch my breath sometimes. Suffering is everywhere. Some people whisper that they want to leave but they're not allowed, that they hate it there and can't wait to die. One man started crying and said he wished God would just take him and he can't figure out why he's left in there to suffer. I cried in my car when I left, I just couldn't shake it after hearing that.
It's sobering to see so vividly the juxtaposition between spending a life fearing, and trying to avoid death only then to wish for it so earnestly. It adds an appreciation for life, an understanding in the power of time and impermanence. I'm not sure the impact all of this is having on me but I know it's reorganizing my thought patterns and DNA.
DB was like a PhD in being human, this is something else entirely. I head into the gym every night with a renewed thankfulness for the health and vitality I still have, which also makes transmuting that last bit of anger I can't seem to shake over my failed M all the easier. What a blessing it is to still be able to do everything I want with my body.
If you're reading this, I hope you take pause and despite the pain in your heart or the anger, or the turmoil, or the frustration or whatever it may be, I hope you find gratitude under there somewhere. It's there. My goodness is it delicious.
Marriage Sitch:
NC with my W since my last post - about 5 weeks. Not a word. Getting pics of Woofie involves reaching out to her so I don't do it. I'm almost at the point where I miss him more than I miss her, but I don't want to hear her voice or even see her name on my phone so I just look at the 10,000 photos of him I still have with me.
When I left my W was upset that I was "stalling" our D, even though I wasn't - I'm just not helping. I've submitted everything I owe to my attorney, who oddly enough, hasn't returned my last two emails checking in with her to ask if there's anything else she needs from me to get this finalized.
I guess this means I'm still getting D'ed as far as I can tell. Haven't heard otherwise, and the last time I spoke to my W she was adamant. As I've said before, my life has changed so much since BD that I'm not sure reconciliation would be a good thing anyway - I can't be with a fool! My life course has shot in a completely new direction, one that I wouldn't trade for all the tea in China, or my old M.
I've never in 40 years woken up this inspired, feeling this connected to my friends, family and even strangers. I have nothing to hide in my life any more so opening up and being honest with people let's me connect on a level that is completely foreign but so so soul filling. Intimacy my new jam and I'm loving it.
I've also never felt like I was more on the right path than I do right now. Not only do I really like the guy in the mirror now, I'm fascinated by what he's doing. Everyday I get an email, text or message somehow that the writing I'm putting out helped someone through a difficult time, or helped them decide to get sober, or to start believing in themselves. That in itself is worth every ounce of suffering from last year.
Yes, I still miss my W, I truly do. I miss her laugh, her smile, and the smell of her hair. I miss watching her mind work and holding her hand while we walked our little moron. I don't miss the feeling that she was going to leave any day, and I was going to die when she did.
I've talked to a few people on here about the theory of islands, and truly I miss parts of the old island I lived on. Fortunately, exploring the new island is just so damn amazing, invigorating, and inspiring that I often forget about the old island completely. This is happening more often than not now.
Some days I still get a quick shot to the back of the knees from a memory. Hearing my friends are all pregnant is tough too to be honest. Those days I just take a deep breath and find ten things about my life that I'm grateful for. By the time I get to 6 I'm solid again, the last 4 are just icing on the cake.
To wrap this up, as I wrote to Mutatio last week, I now believe whole heartedly that happiness is a choice, joy is a choice, and "reality" is completely subjective and negotiable. Truly it is. When you're struggling, find something to be grateful for and then build on that. If you struggle two minutes later, go back to being grateful. It's hard to be anything else when you're overcome with gratitude even if that may mean stepping outside of your own drama for a few minutes just to try.
Cheers everyone. Hugs to you all.
412 days sober,
PP
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
