Where will we go from here

[TimR]

Pink, Thank you so much for your reply and analysis and compassion to my sitch is very much appreciated. Below I am going to try and answer your questions. Maybe it will provide a little more light on my sitch and you can provide more advice.

1. I have rights as a step parent in my state by taking on the role of an actual parent. S13's dad has been out of the picture for the last 6-7 years, so that actually would help me. The legal theory behind it is that as a society we encourage stepparents to step up and bond with a child by taking on parental responsibilities, in the event of a failed relationship it is not in the best interest of the child to severe those bonds. On of the most recent high court decisions Step dad actually got full custody of step kids over biological mom who btw was a very fit parent (no drugs, no alcohol, no abuse, she was a lawyer too). Thus while it has been uncommon it is growing and the courts are awarding it more and more. Oh, yeah I did not adopt him but should have, in which case I would definitely get 50% or more time with him.

2. Sleep and diet. As far as sleep I have over the counter which would help if I just took them. You are right I should start. My family physician is a good friend of mine and I could get a script called in but I have read they can be habit forming so I have chosen to stay away. Diet... Actually I am eating good. Lots of soup and sandwiches. My diet has never been the greatest (I eat oatmeal for lunch everyday except in summer when I eat yogurt every day) but I have cut out most of all fast food.

3. Divorce settlement. She would not be entitled to 50% of everything. I owned my house before she moved in and it is in my dad's and my names. Since we were together only a short times she maybe able to get a small percentage of the value increase in the last 2.5 years. Alimony and support. She left the marital home so she is not entitled to alimony pending litigation, she also makes nearly what I do (the legal principle is called abandonment). Since we were married such a small amount of time she will not be able to get any additional alimony after divorce.

4. As far as talking to the lawyer where she works. It would not be unethical as per the rules of conduct. But I want to be clear, I would not personally go talk to the person on a friendly level. Actually I do not know the attorney and had very little dealings with them if ever. But I would not go to them, if anything I would my attorney reach out to them and again it would be in a professional manner. I still not know about that yet because I would not want to embarrass her at work too. And like I said it could very well upset her.

5. I don't think I am trying to save S from a monster. I do not like and it p1sses me off to no end that she has threatened him, but I do think that she has been a good mother to him. Yes she is a monster to me right now, but I do not think that she is a monster to the kids. Having said that, I do not think she is thinking clearly and for some reason or another has convinced herself that it is ok to hurt S13 in order to hurt me. Putting myself in her shoes, yes I agree she may see me as controlling her vis a vis S13. However, how do I show that I am not. I am doing everything I can to allow her to call the shots with him with the exception of cutting me out of his life. I certainly could use some suggestions here, because we do need to be civil about S no matter what happens to us or how we feel about each other.

6 Unfortunately, I cannot do any overt peace offering because it seems that no matter what gesture I do that is out of the ordinary, seems to trigger her. I am doing NC and being pleasant when she contacts me. Hopefully by next week she will calm a bit. Idk whether she will contact me by text at all or when or if she will call at all but if she does I will certainly be friendly.

Again Pink thank you for commenting on my thread. I welcome any advise and suggestions you can provide. If it is something I tried or will try I will let you know the results. If it is something I disagree with I would like to have a dialogue about it so I could explain why I think its a bad idea or will do more harm that good and you could explain why you think it is. That hopefully will help me see things more objectively and act not out of emotion. Thanks!