TxHubby - you my friend made me laugh! We all have our own path to self improvement and figuring out what life is all about and to be honest I've not seen anything negative come out of the two sessions she's done so who am I to judge.
I think Vanilla hit the nail on the head. Every situation is different and I had been thinking about that lately. I'm not naive and am an IT guy in my day job so phones, computers, routers, internet logging etc is all easily tracked by me and I've seen nothing to be concerned about - there is no other man. She has her reasons for her discontent with me and I have to deal with that and not look for excuses. We have a long history of fighting and she wonders if we can get past it, if it just too much to overcome at this point. I can understand why she says that. It would seem easier to just break up and start a new life but I don't think either of us is willing to give up on our marriage yet.
We had our 4th MC session tonight and it was a train wreck. We went in optimistic and on really good terms between us and the MC, who we both already were not liking, just rehashed all our issues that we already have rehashed a thousand times before so was a complete waste of time and money. We have another MC lined up who was recommended to us that my W and I spoke to on the phone and we both really liked her personality - more direct and to the point. We both are looking for some guidance on how to move forward and just rehashing all our crap is not helping, necessary to some point to have the MC understand who we are but at some point they need to have some words of wisdom, insight, some tools and ways to communicate - not just repeating back to us what we've told them.
I do the like the idea of changing the dynamic - when I have done this my W has questioned why I have to be in earlier or stay late etc. That's about the only thing I can do right now.
I think my approach is going to have to be hybrid. I won't pursue but my W and I still want to be together and do some things together and that is positive so I won't cut that out. I think it's going to take some time to work through our issues and with any luck we can find some understanding and my W to forgive the resentment. Don't know if she can but that's what has to be dealt with. I'll still apply the rules for the most part as I won't pursue or follow her around, ask where she is etc which will give her some space - I think she has felt smothered by me and so have I from her at times so it's not a bad thing for either of us. Anyway, I can't rush this - it's going to take time and I want to make some real changes so we can have happier future together. My W feels I'm all talk right now (said so at the MC tonight) and I get it, there isn't much I can do to show her things are changing for the better - it will take a while for a new more positive routine to set in.
As for my 180, if things go bad it would mean detaching from doing things together, perhaps even one of us moving out but I'll cross that bridge if it comes. Thanks all!
I agree if the spouse is wayward, although a more walk away spouse is likely to get to the issue and want a different resolution.
Some wives (like V) are not wayward and the best solution is to validate and take on board what is being said instead. If a non wayward spouse is treated as if their words are meaningless when it makes sense to them they are likely to walk away faster.
Care.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Take your time you have plenty of it and all will go well or you. You may want to research a technique called 'Blamestorming' which is a workplace solution to disagreements. I was taught this in the 90s in a workplace training course.
There was a workbook.
DR has a section on disagreements.
I also suggest you review the NLP technique called mirroring to show empathy. Whenever possible friendly neighbour with 'sticky' eyes is great for rapport. If that's too hard look between the eyebrows when you talk to others.
These helpful styles can be used in many sitches with friends, coworkers and family members.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Vanilla, this is exactly what I'm wondering - I'm worried I'm not going about this correctly. I still don't feel that pursuing will do me any good but I do think my W is looking for interaction between us, to see if I'll help her out from time to time, to treat her better than I have in the past, to give her some attention, to be her friend and not her enemy (had gotten this bad in the past) and just show her I care. I think I can do this if I don't pursue yet listen and validate what she is saying and simply don't be defensive. That is a start - we still have a lot past issues to deal with but we need a more positive day to day interaction.
Just now my W and I were talking and she said 'hopefully we can at least be friends after all of this' and I responded 'hopefully more than friends' which she responded 'I'm not very optimistic about it' which hurt but instead of chasing after her to talk about it I left it. She may just be sounding off still since our MC meeting yesterday was such a disaster. In any case, I didn't think it would do me any good to try and talk to her about it. That said, my W just left to go meet the new MC (one on one), my one on one is next week, so I'll get an update when she gets back. I don't expect much though as for this meeting they just let you talk the entire time.
What's the difference again between a wayward wife and walk away wife?
Vanilla, this is exactly what I'm wondering - I'm worried I'm not going about this correctly. I still don't feel that pursuing will do me any good but I do think my W is looking for interaction between us, to see if I'll help her out from time to time, to treat her better than I have in the past, to give her some attention, to be her friend and not her enemy (had gotten this bad in the past) and just show her I care. I think I can do this if I don't pursue yet listen and validate what she is saying and simply don't be defensive. That is a start - we still have a lot past issues to deal with but we need a more positive day to day interaction.
Just now my W and I were talking and she said 'hopefully we can at least be friends after all of this' and I responded 'hopefully more than friends' which she responded 'I'm not very optimistic about it' which hurt but instead of chasing after her to talk about it I left it. She may just be sounding off still since our MC meeting yesterday was such a disaster. In any case, I didn't think it would do me any good to try and talk to her about it. That said, my W just left to go meet the new MC (one on one), my one on one is next week, so I'll get an update when she gets back. I don't expect much though as for this meeting they just let you talk the entire time.
What's the difference again between a wayward wife and walk away wife?
If this is your 180 it is a good one in my view.
You are working on becoming a man only a fool would leave as well?
Consider my suggestions on the communications, there is a lot of work to do on you.
Time to get busy.
------------------------------------------ A walk away spouse is more rational as there is no A fog, that doesn't mean that it is easier to repair an R just different. That is my understanding.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
