Long time

[ciluzen]

Thanks Cil and melweb-

My frame of mind changes hourly. Sometimes I think, yes I can do this, and then I'll get hit with that deep hole of despair because I'm missing H so much. Just have to ride the rollercoaster of emotions and hold on.

I truly believe it gets better as we gain more confidence in ourselves and more understanding of our spouses crazy, fluctuating, hurting behavior. Knowledge is power and time is our friend.

H did stop in to my room at work yesterday to say something to another person in there. (an excuse? he could have just as easily walked right on by). We had a short friendly conversation about the snowstorm that was coming. I have to say that he looks awful. It is obvious that he is not sleeping well at all. Being alone in his new house gives him a lot of time to think. I'm trying not to read anything into this, but this is the same thing that happened at the same time last year. He realized that he missed me and had regrets. Mindreading always gets my thoughts racing so its best to remember to keep the focus on me and let him work things out on his own. I also have to keep my expectations and hope contained. I have a secret place deep in my heart where I keep that hope. Not too many people know about it...except you guys. Thanks for being here.

It is so nice to find others like yourself to share what were going through. To feel less alone in a lonely,confusing, and scary situation. You understand what I'm going through more than my friends IRL and I understand what you are going through.
When my H was sharing his money fears and woes last weekend, I really looked at him. He is still my beautiful, handsome man. But I really looked. He has a growing paunch, his shoulders (I always loved his broad shoulders) are rounding forward, his hair is much grayer, and his face is just very... slack. He looks exhausted and depressed. His MLC is much harder on him than I think he realizes.
Stay strong and stand strong. We'll just keep that hope to ourselves.
Nel