Raliced, I struggle with this too. I know I *should* be a bigger person... and Mr. Fantastic is certainly giving me space to... but I just can't. I don't want to. It feels too much like letting his narrative win if I did and I just don't have the grace to go that far.
In my case, it's also true that the parenting was never truly joint. My girl went through the mean girl drama for all of 2nd grade and Mr. Fantastic gave neither her or me input. With all the struggles I had with her behavior before the marriage died I went to him often to try to talk about how to deal with it and he would just throw up his hands and say he didn't know.
Your desire to co-parent with your X is natural and commendable. But do you think it's feasible? Even if he weren't being so avoidant right now would he be a trusted resource for you? Or do you wish he were the ideal version of himself who could engage as the sort of partner we all need? And if you know in your heart that he isn't really going to engage as a parenting partner, could that be the reason you're reluctant to thaw (in addition to all the harm he did to you)?
I'm glad your daughter's friend situation has gotten better -- kudos to you for being properly engaged and creative in helping her navigate that.
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But I know that I have agency in this and could suck it up, pipe up and say, "I'd really like us to have both better and more frequent communication about the girls. What do you think we should do". And I just can't do it. And I don't know why.
To me, it's 100% reasonable that you would put up a strong protective barrier against your X. You've been through a LOT and you've navigated it with way more calm and grace than I ever managed. Cut yourself some slack. Maybe someday, when your life has evolved and all this is less raw, you'll find that you've drifted into a more peaceful relationship with him.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
