Now what?/ One Day at a Time

[melweb]

Thanks for the thumbs up, job. I think I did pretty good too {insert happy dance here}


He's starting early today. Just got "I don't want you to hate me for I how I feel."

[melweb]

SO I've decided these are his choices. Pick One:
A) BOO HOO
B) Guess you should have thought about that before
C) Why do you even care if I hate you?


I'm kidding. But seriously!! I have yet to reply.


Now that I am a few days past the initial shock and I have had some time to reflect on the months following the first BD, what I did that worked, and I how really think I am up against a horse of a different color now. Or possibly I am just overthinking.

After first BD, I followed advice in DR and from this forum. I 180'd to be happy, upbeat, confident. (I wasn't happy in that marriage either.) I backed off when I thought it was right and engaged when I saw the chance. I validated, became his friend, and gave him space. I upped my stay at home duties (we had a fight about me not ironing his clothes a month before BD.) Everything he thought I was, I 180'd it! I complimented and praised without going overboard. I eventually saw him pursue me when I distanced, saw his eyes change when he knew he was suppose to keeping me at arms length but wasn't. Furthermore, I really felt in my heart that was not what he wanted and he was not having an affair.
It worked. 8 weeks later, he said he was not leaving!!

From there, we had plenty of R talks about what went wrong, how we were going to fix it, what we both wanted and need from the M, lots of sex and date nights. We say "I love you" daily, he thanks me for saving the M, lots of appreciation and respect. In the meantime, his cell phone use became a thorn in my side. It was constant and inconsiderate. If I mentioned it, I was accused of not letting him have friends, I was pressuring, and we needed to go slow. He mentioned these women "friends" once or twice and that he would not give them up. And in fact they helped him save our marriage, as one is having M trouble too. By this time, I am pretty sure it is an EA with one of them. Idk which one. One is married, the other is divorced.

Last week , he needs to go three hours north for work, which is conveniently close to to OWs. This is when I believe EA went PA, as condoms are missing along with Cialis. Hes home for a day, I get I love you, babe, etc. We snuggled before he left for biz trip which he is now on. Thats when the proverbial crap hits the fan. And I get the email saying he tried, he can't give me what I need, and he needs more passion.

So while, before, I had gotten to a place where I felt it would be his loss if he left, I truly believed that was not what he wanted. It was what keep me going on the really hard days. And I really was a woman only a fool would leave, and the best melweb I could be. All that is still true, and he still wants to leave. And now there an OW!

[Cherry]

Melweb you're doing great. I think he is continuing to text out of sheer guilt. He does have feelings for you I'm sure- but he's so lost in himself he hasn't a clue what he wants
Your sitch sounds like mine, and I think after BD #1 both you and I are caught up in a romance again. I know when we reconciled it was like the honeymoon period again. Can't keep our hands off each other- sex many times a day.

I think now, for the both of us the hard work hits again. But you have got this, you started before and now you'll continue. Exercise, socialise, treat yourself to new clothes/ make up. Have your hair done- whatever makes YOU feel good and bring out that amazing woman that he would be an absolute IDIOT to leave

[melweb]

Hi Cherry!! How are you?

Thanks for the pep talk. I agree--- he does still have feelings for me, but is it enough this time? I really felt after BD#1, that is what helped my sitch and there was no OW at the time. I replied to "I don't want you to hate me for me feelings" with "I will always respect your feelings." He asked me if I was ok, and said this wasn't easy and he loved me. I did reply I loved him too, because he said it first.

I guess you're right--we got caught up in the romance (and sex) and honeymoon period of reconciliation. I believed it was what we needed, and what had been missing. We have been married 21 years and always put kids, careers, moves (we've moved 8 times) first. Life just took over.

And funny you should mention hair--I have an appointment next week for a cut and color, prob some highlights. We were suppose to be going to Mexico in April, but I assume I am uninvited to that, but I am going to get some tans anyway.

So glad you stopped by. I had been thinking of you.

[kml]

I'm gonna go out on a limb here and suggest that the affair with the OW predated bomb drop number 1. Yup. Maybe it was a different OW, but in my experience, most guys don't drop the bomb UNTIL they have slept with or at least engaged with heavy flirtation with a new affair partner.

My guess is they fought, or she backed off, or he felt guilty, but after the period of reconciliation with you, she reeled him back in.

He's still depressed/in MLC and like a drug addict, has fallen off the wagon again because of the great high that you get from infatuation.

Let me make one suggestion - when he returns from his trip, announce that you are going out of town for a few days. Yup. He can watch the kids and the house. You're taking a break, a mini-vacay all of your own.

Be a little vague about it. You're going with "a friend". Or you're going off alone "to think about what you want". Don't let him know where you're staying.

If you can afford it, get out of town. Visit a friend, or go to a spa, go lay by a pool and have drinks with umbrellas in them and read novels - whatever.

If you can't afford it, go crash on a friend's couch and watch Netflix. Just get out of the situation for a couple of days and let HIM wonder about where you are and what you're doing.

See - as long as he knows you are there waiting as his plan B, he thinks he can enjoy his affair and still be able to come back to you when he's tired of it. But the minute he starts to think it's possible that YOU might go out on the town and pick up some guy in a bar, or have a secret lover like he does - well, suddenly that affair of his may not look like such a good deal.

Mind you, I'm not suggesting you lie, or actually meet any men, or ANYTHING like that. I'm just suggesting that you leave a little bit to the imagination, let him wonder a little bit. Be independent and a little bit mysterious. If he's wondering about you he won't be thinking about her..

[melweb]

hi kml

I do not think they slept together before BD #1, but I suppose anything is possible. They met 3 or 4 days before BD#1. I had access to his phone acct at that point, but aside from a few texts, there was nothing else--not hundreds of texts, no late night texting, no phone calls. But it could have been very heavy flirtation indeed. Or I guess a one night stand- who am I kidding??!!

It was after we reconciled that it seemed to escalate. I no longer have access to his phone acct.

I love the idea of me taking off for the weekend, but I really cannot, due to lack of funds. I am not even sure how I am getting groceries on Friday. We moved here with a house still for sale and it has not sold yet. That has put us under serious financial stress. And because we just moved here, I do not have any friends yet. I am working on that, as I just started working last month.

However, I DO plan on hitting a restaurant that has live music on Saturday night. By myself. In some hot dress.

[melweb]

H called, yes called, Wed evening. No R talk, just hows things, whats new. I am cordial and kind. Then he texts me at 1:30 in the morning, "You awake?" I wasn't.

Last night he texts a pic of where is, then tells me a friend of his and his wife with three young kids split up.

I talked to IC yesterday he too. I know he supports DB, because he suggested it after first BD, yet he thinks I address the A. That its too psycologically damaging not to, and totally friend zone/roomate H. No laundry, ironing, etc. And clearly by becoming 'the best melweb and a woman only a fool would leave,' I wasn't very successful.

I maintain that he thinks he has the hard part done by telling me. He has yet to
pack a bag and walk away from this family. Furthermore, I think this A does not have a Snowballs chance!! They live 3 hrs away from each other, and if its the one I think it is, she has 4 kids under 10! Maybe I am being too optimistic.

He is home tomorrow and I am so confused!!!

[TxHubby]

H called, yes called, Wed evening. No R talk, just hows things, whats new. I am cordial and kind. Then he texts me at 1:30 in the morning, "You awake?" I wasn't.

Last night he texts a pic of where is, then tells me a friend of his and his wife with three young kids split up.

I talked to IC yesterday he too. I know he supports DB, because he suggested it after first BD, yet he thinks I address the A. That its too psycologically damaging not to, and totally friend zone/roomate H. No laundry, ironing, etc. And clearly by becoming 'the best melweb and a woman only a fool would leave,' I wasn't very successful.

I maintain that he thinks he has the hard part done by telling me. He has yet to
pack a bag and walk away from this family. Furthermore, I think this A does not have a Snowballs chance!! They live 3 hrs away from each other, and if its the one I think it is, she has 4 kids under 10! Maybe I am being too optimistic.

He is home tomorrow and I am so confused!!!

I worry you're trying to nice him back. That doesn't work with MLC. I tried it for almost two years. Two years of hell.

[melweb]

Hi Tx--I am not trying to do anything at the moment cuz I have no idea what to do. And as my IC pointed, I "niced' him back the first time and it backfired big time. Right into the bed of an OW. I seriously do not know what I am doing!!

This MLC beast is a horse of a different color for sure!

[melweb]

H comes home sometime today from biz trip. I am nervous/ anxious, but not really. Can that be a thing?

Luckily I am scheduled to work all next week, so I will be busy. I also have an appointment for a cut and color/highlights for my hair. And tans. I was planning that stuff anyway as we were suppose to go to Mexico in April. I assume I am univited to that, but he changes his mind like he changes his underwear. (I'm sorry, I meant his thongs, cuz that is what he is wearing now. Yuck)

When that new movie with Jen Garner comes out, I am going to that, and a concert in the park that same week. I got GAL galore.

Wish me luck today.