Hey 2times. I too emotionally react to the special occasions. Once I realized it, I prepared myself better. I make them into days I enjoy by planning it around me. Doing things I enjoy, sometimes with friends and sometimes alone. Basically, I make new traditions and memories.
Hope that helps
Me 48 H 46 S 11 M 2004 BD 8/13 H moved out 2/15 -live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
2T, isn’t it a constant battle within ourselves regarding the things we do for our H’s. I constantly think about this line between enabling H by taking care of business and some things for his, and not shaking the things up to allow him to continue on his journey. Heck, I did something I would never think I would do at this point in my sitch, I helped H to book a rental car. I would never thought that he would ask me to do this for him. Is he getting more comfortable with the thought of us a friends, business partners (I doubt this, since his part of the business has nothing to do with my), or something else…
I was just reading Mirage’s post on Wet’s thread about different types of MLC – internal and external. External means that MLCer is doing all the active replay activities – drinking, partying, spending money, etc. which in essence is trying to avoid looking inside. External MLC takes a lot longer. So, with this thought, I’m trying to evaluate of I should continue doing what I’ve been doing, or stir the pot.
I think you have similar situation. With luck of a significant movement one way or another, it is very difficult to make a decision. There is always that last piece of hope… Regarding the phone calls, I would let your BIL answer them for a couple of days and see how it goes. Then you can be back to your usual routine of answering these calls. Maybe it will put a small seed of a doubt in H’s mind about what you are up to. Just a thought. Take care.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Wonka ... I think I've got St. Paddy's day under control! It was never a big or special day for us, so I think I can handle the impish leprechan. My apologies to all the Irish folks out there for not partaking in the green beer.
mleigh4 - the idea of new traditions is very appealing. I think I'll follow your advice. I just never really realized how much those days affected me emotionally. I knew I wasn't happy about not sharing them with h, but I didn't really realize (or maybe consciously acknowledge) the resentment those days evoked that would eventually come spewing out of my mouth. It would take me days and days to get my footing again. I'm so glad I finally saw the pattern because now I can break it. I got this!
Bright - interesting about the internal vs external MLC. I've seen elements of both with my h, but I think the external is the dominate one. He falls into Job's description of masked depression - the A, social life, etc. But I know he does do some thinking from time to time (he will sometimes say "I spent the whole day thinking." True? IDK.) The aspect of the external that I find most interesting is the over-active social life. I have heard so many times in the past 2 years that he has "always" been a social animal. Uhh ... no. The social stuff reminds me of something I read in "The Passion Trap" - they have to find things that fill the void we used to occupy. Funny thing about that is, we are doing the same, aren't we? Although, perhaps in a more well-thought out, life-enriching way.
I'm so grateful for the feedback I get here. It really does help me keep my thinker thinking clearly. Thanks to all of you!
Quick update ...
Very limited text exchanges for the past week - all initiated by him but one (business related). I've talked to him the past three days from the office. The conversations were primarily about business, but he told me all about the retreat (he hated it and won't go again) and other little stuff regarding his move and other things there. I didn't ask questions, but mostly listened and validated when appropriate. He probed a little to find out what I'd been up to or had planned for the weekend, but I was vague and didn't really tell him anything (although I've been up to quite a bit).
I wonder if he realizes how one-sided those conversations were?
As I stated earlier, I suspected the retreat would be a cheeselss tunnel. I don't think it was entirely as I think he did get something out of the program, but it was clear that he didn't get what he was hoping for. I am actually relieved. I had done some research on this group and although the reviews were mostly positive, some compared it to a cult-like thing and that scared me. I was so afraid that in his confusion and search for happiness that he would "drink the kool-aid." He actually said some people there did and he wasn't going anywhere near that. It's a relief to know his search/journey won't take him THAT far off track.
I hope everyone has a good weekend!
Me: 59 and holding H: :53 Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown M: 19 T: 23 BD: 9-23-2013
My weekend would probably seem somewhat boring to those who are out running, going to the gym or engaging in a sport of some kind, but I do what I need to for me. The weather here was nice yesterday, so I enjoyed a couple of adult beverages by the fire pit. (I know, I know ... I shouldn't be drinking alone.) As I enjoyed the warmth of the fire and watched the flames dance around, I pushed h and his MLC out of my mind and concentrated on the many blessings in my life. I reminded myself that there are millions of people in this world who would give just about anything to walk though life in my shoes and even though my life isn't all I might want it to be, it's actually a darn good life.
I tend to look at my weekends as recharge time. I work with my BIL and he's a nice enough guy (and totally confused about what has happened to his brother), but he tends to be a drama queen at times. I can tell him, "BIL, this is what you need to do" but he has to continue to debate, research and pop in and out of my office a dozen times over something that should have been solved in 5 minutes or less. It can be very draining.
Sometimes, my weekends are very tame as I've had quite enough stimulation during the week. This was one of those weekends.
I actually set the wheels in motion for my next adventure last week. I went to a consultation about having some age spots removed from my face. One showed up a couple of years ago near the temple area, then another and just in the past couple of weeks, another.
I was applying even heavier make-up to cover and cursing the spots and thought, you know you can do something about this other than cursing and trying to hide. So, I made the appointment and will have a series of laser treatments to get rid of them. I'm excited about that. I keep telling myself that if I ever have to post a pic on Our Time, I'll look pretty good! LOL
The ironic thing is the place I went is the same one that did h's cosmetic eye surgery a few months before bomb drop. A classic sign that totally flew over my head! But, looking at the glass half full, at least I know someone they've treated and have seen their work!
My best to everyone.
Me: 59 and holding H: :53 Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown M: 19 T: 23 BD: 9-23-2013
I had to text h last night and ask him to call me when he got up (big time difference) because I needed to talk to him about office stuff away from the office. I hated doing that because I'm trying not to initiate contact.
He called and I apologized for asking him to get into business mode first thing in the morning and explained the issue. We discussed and then I apologized again for interrupting his morning routine. I've interrupted his life over there before (for legitimate business reasons) with not so nice results.
When he called into the office this morning (his evening) he asked, "Didn't I talk to you this morning?" I chuckled and said yes and that if he didn't remember it might not be a good thing. I don't know if he was joking or if his mind was so muddled he really didn't remember it clearly. He launched into all his troubles getting his new apartment set up which I really didn't want to hear, but I listened and validated, saying it sounded like a difficult day. He agreed and I again told him I was sorry for making him address business stuff before his first cup of coffee. He than started telling me it was no problem and I could interrupt his coffee time anytime I wanted. Yeah ... right.
He then went on to say he had been invited out to some social event but he was going to stay home, have a couple of beers and watch TV and if we needed anything, just text him. Again, been there, done that, won't do it again unless it's a dire emergency.
I'm trying to make it clear to him that I do not want to invade his life over there. But, I'm beginning to get the impression that he's asking me to do just that. I'm trying to figure out if it a case of him wanting me to pursue or something else, like showing friendship ... I don't know. I'm confused about what he wants and what I should do.
I still find it fascinating that he goes on and on about his day and never asks any specifics about what I've been doing, how the family is,, etc. I don't volunteer anything. The conversations are so one-sided. It's hard for me to comprehend that he doesn't see that. Maybe he does. IDK.
I don't know if I'm doing the right thing here. I'm trying to back off and not interfere in his life. Is it right to show little to no interest? Should I be asking "safe" questions that aren't prying or pursuing? Or is it better to remain distant and disinterested?
I've also been very closed mouthed about what I do here. Maybe I've gone too far. I tell him nothing ... not even that I saw such and such movie. Is that wrong? I sometimes think I need to tell him some of that stuff just to let him know that my life is going on since he's not here to see it. Then other times I think that it may be better to let him wonder what I'm up to ... he'll find out in due time without me announcing it. My gut says that is the way to go, but not entirely sure.
I cut out of the office early today and headed to the nail salon for a pedicure. My toenails are now a beautiful shade of purple. I just wish we had weather warm enough for sandals so I could show them off.
I hope this post hasn't been too "all over the place" to be clear. My mind seems to be a little off kilter tonight for some reason.
Me: 59 and holding H: :53 Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown M: 19 T: 23 BD: 9-23-2013
I would stay the course. When you do have contact w/him, listen and validate. If he talks about his new place, you could ask him some very general questions and if he asks for your opinion, then give it to him. I wouldn't increase the amount of contact just yet. Notice how it's still all about him? That tells me that he's not ready to have a grown up relationship yet. I think he wants a friendship (one sided) at this time.
He's still very much in replay and he's telling mom (you) all about what he's doing. Don't get discouraged. Your man/child still has a ways to go.
Stay the course.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Job, you are so right about the replay, but he's not telling Mom about everything he's doing, or more precisely, about everything he's not doing. In fact, he's telling fibs to Mom!
I found out today, quite by accident, that he isn't logging into his computer here to do sales reports, etc quite as often as he claims (a couple of times a week). In fact, he only logged in once in the past 4 weeks. It's not important that he does, but it sure goes to illustrate - believe nothing that they say.
BIL and I are scratching our heads trying to figure out what on earth he does to fill up all that spare time? Must be nice to be a man of leisure with no responsibilities, no one to answer to, no obligations beyond your social calendar and (possibly) the latest OP to wine and dine.
I will stay the course for now, but I am so sick of the lies.
Me: 59 and holding H: :53 Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown M: 19 T: 23 BD: 9-23-2013
I need to rant and think it might be better to get it off my chest here before I do something dumb. I apologize in advance.
It isn't the lying. I know that comes with the territory. It's the lying about stupid stuff. I would expect lies about OW and things like that, but about spending hours remotely logged and running detailed reports (his words) and such. It's not like I asked him about it. He just throws it out there. He'll just volunteer, "I spent 4 hours today logged in doing blah, blah, blah." Why even bring it up if you're going to lie about it?
I suppose he's trying to make the point that he can stay where he is and still be active in his business. Maybe he's trying to give me the impression that I'm not alone running things here ... that he's fully involved. I griped for a long time that he just walked away and dumped all of this in my lap (which he did) and that I didn't ask for it and I didn't want it. Maybe he's trying to make me believe that it isn't all in my lap. IDK. What I do know is he's checked out of our marriage and he's apparently checked out of his business, too.
He keeps saying he HAS to live there to deal with our suppliers. That's a bunch of BS and he knows I know it. He's there because he wants to be, period. Somewhere in all that fog, he knows I know that, too!
I think the thing that really gets under my skin is that he thinks I (and BIL, to some extent) are stupid. That I don't see what's going on. That he can just lie about anything and I am so gullible and dumb that I won't question it. It just shows complete and total lack of respect for me and sends me the message that he thinks I am a complete fool.
I am trying so hard to find my compassion, my understanding, because I know what he's going through. I know there is a great guy in there somewhere, but right now I am so angry. I don't like be taken for a fool and that's how I feel I'm being treated. I'm feeling so used.
I saw glimpses of old h when he was here last but now I feel like it was all an act to placate me ... have to keep 2T placated in order to continue the fantasy.
I have to stay the course right now, but it appears it is becoming more of biding my time than DBing. I need to be in a certain place financially to D, so I have to keep being the gullible, dumb wife when what I really want to do right now is tell him to get out of my life and never darken my doorway again.
I honestly don't know how I could ever get past all the lying and cheating. I don't know how I could ever believe anything he says. When I think about some of the things I suspected he was lying about the last time I was here, and consider that my lie-radar may have been right, it just turns my stomach. I don't know how I could ever come to trust him again. I know others have reconciled after much worse. I just don't know how they did or if I can.
Sorry for the rant, but I appreciate having a place to do it. It's much better to put all that garbage here than in a text to h. So thank you, everyone, for taking the brunt of my fury.
Me: 59 and holding H: :53 Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown M: 19 T: 23 BD: 9-23-2013
2times. My H used to lie about the dumbest stupidest things. At first I felt the same as you. Then I got to a point where I just didn't care anymore. I too wonder if I could ever trust him again. Not sure, but not at a point where I need to, if that makes sense.
Me 48 H 46 S 11 M 2004 BD 8/13 H moved out 2/15 -live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
