I know what you are going through is gruesomely hard but wanted to commend you for standing up to your wayward wife. Making her mad and bringing the natural consequences of her behavior to the forefront is actually the best chance you have of breaking her sinful spirit.
She almost broke before and tried to hold out and go "no contact" but just as I told you the pull of the affair and withdrawal almost always result in a little bit more contact followed either by absolute "no contact" OR what your wife is doing....doubling down on the affair because withdrawal did nothing other than convince her that her feelings for OM were real based upon the rush she felt when she started talking to him again.
In my situation, I did as you and I calmly talked to her. OM was long distance so them meeting up wasn't an issue so, despite her nastiness....I just explained to her exactly how she was feeling and why she was feeling it. It was kind of wasted breath until she understood it herself. It's near impossible to "teach" a wayward but what I did do was just keep saying "no" to her. She had no money. No job. No hope of relocating our children to OM's state. She just wanted to cake eat and continue deciding NOTHING about the future. Her affair was completely unworkable as a long term relationship. OM couldn't pay for her to visit and I wasn't "allowing" her to leave. I wasn't going to play the part of the fool while she decided OUR lives.
I see you doing the same thing. Accepting the divorce as likely and fighting things hard on that front now is your best option. Don't forego the motion for exclusive use of the house. Even if you lose you are setting the tone for the whole case with that first hearing in front of your judge being all about your wife's outrageous conduct. You shout for full custody, hope for PRIMARY custody with 50/50 and JOINT PRIMARY being the minimum. (Remember....if she divorces you she's never going to escape this wayward mentality and she'll never become a good parent again. Her darkness, unfortunately, becomes permanent and your children need protection from her even if they don't know it). The more custody you get the less likely she can ever file a modification motion on you seeking to relocate her and the children out of state. What can happen is after your divorce becomes final she immediately remarries OM who lives in another state. The court could actually approve that as one legitimate reason in her favor (among other factors) to allow her to relocate.
Also....in court don't go overboard "owning" your porn problem. The court is not church. The judge won't be granting you absolution. Instead he or she will be weighing blame as potentially one of the factors in your divorce case including custody dispute or in computing alimony. Therefore, don't ever refer to it as some addiction or anything she complained about constantly. Instead it's an issue that is embarrassing, that you haven't done in 4, 5, 8 months and feel you have addressed. Emphasize that until you wife had a relationship with OM, it wasn't a problem and since then you've eliminated it and yet she still choose to continue her relationship with OM. Use it as a chance to demonstrate in court that OM is the most pressing and overall issue in the breakdown of the marital relationship...not her justifications and rationalizations for continuing the affair. I'm just guessing but typically way wards like to bring up rationalizations and justifications AFTER they start a relationship with someone else. Sure she didn't like it and maybe even griped about it. It was probably a convenient resentment for her to withhold her intimacy in the relationship as well. It would have been much harder for her to rationalize not having sex with you had she not had the crutch of your supposed porn addiction. Amazingly, once couples recover.... I have found that (non-obsessive and irregular) porn use and other issues the wayward had with their betrayed husband just become these total backseat issues once love is restored into the marriage. In other words...it isn't that you looked at porn ever that's the issue it's that your wife doesn't (didn't) feel loved and cherished by you. Don't get me wrong. It's good you stopped and took control. It's good you apologized. You just don't have to own any part of your wife's choice to cheat on you (and her family) because you used porn in a public courtroom or elsewhere. Consider this....why does she get to justify her relationship with OM based upon your porn use but you can't justify your porn use on her breaking her vows and withholding sexual relations?? Almost every married man I've met with this issue would give up porn in a second if their wives agreed to have sex with them whenever they wanted (within reason). If it's that easy to give up...it's not a true addiction. As far as court....your porn use may certainly been a very bad sinful habit that you've since stopped, repented of and apologized for but calling it an addiction is hyperbole. In court, I feel labeling it as an addiction makes it sound as though you couldn't control yourself and were looking at porn everywhere ---- on your phone, your computer, your apple watch, in front of your kids, in church, on headphones. It also implies that other behaviors that root themselves in porn could be present - like drug use, prostitution, strip bars, call girls and massage parlors. It could make you appear a riskier custodial parent and the judge could use admissions as justification to award your wife more alimony...essentially saying your marital misconduct was the primary reason for the divorce (which it is NOT). Now that you are going to be fighting a court battle how you frame the issue becomes important ....especially if ever in writing..consult carefully with your attorney and be sure your wife never finds your thread here where you've taken on way too much blame for her choices.
Your wife turned around last time she neared rock bottom and you found her pouring over family pictures in her bed crying. The loss of marital and family history is significant. OM is a stranger.....you are not. I still think that considering your wife's justifications and rationalizations you are better off NOT completely going dark on her and shutting her out. Continue with your GAL but don't pass up opportunities to talk to her IF and WHEN she pursues having conversations. Don't argue. Stay calm. Let her continue to voice her anger and upsettedness. You don't have to win the argument you just have to listen. Don't say "i love you" but do be honest when you tell her that you'd be willing to work on your marriage but that her relationship with OM is devastating to you and must end before you will commit to anything (including negotiating the divorce - do NOT discuss divorce with her....let your attorney handle it and if she's unhappy with things....blame your attorney and merely tell her you'll talk to your attorney about it while promising nothing). At some point cut off the abuse and get out of there to protect yourself emotionally but being willing to meet her need for communication and listen to her will help you someday if and when she turns from her sin and repents.
The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
