Did you mess up by taking her hand and holding it......twice in one night? I would say you didn't mess up her, but you sure messed up yourself. How? Your mind has given way too much time rehashing it, and your thought have gone from holding handing to thinking about initiating sex.
James, the thing for you to do is act as if nothing eventful ever took place. She should be the one getting her hopes up that it signified something more may be on the horizon. However, that is not the case. You are the one who continues dwelling on those thoughts, and it is a waste of energy.
Initiating handholding is pursuit. You need to stop pursuing her.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks for the feedback - that's why I'm here - to have my friends here keep me from completely shooting myself in the foot! I have no one to talk about this stuff with otherwise and I'm so thankful for all the advice and guidance. Thank-you!! You guys are right of course and I needed the reinforcement. I must admit that detaching goes against every natural instinct that I have - normally I would pursue, pursue and pursue but admittedly this has never really worked in the past. I don't think the handholding thing was a complete screw up on my part but I was concerned that it was so was overthinking it for a few days but I have not pursued since. As for the sex, I was not going to pursue that but just in case for some crazy reason my wife did I just wanted to be prepared for what I should do. I suppose if she initiates it's fine but otherwise stay clear of it. She would shoot me if I initiated this right now
My problem right now is that between work, kids hockey schedules and trying to study there is no time for me to get out of the house and do some things on my own. I feel a little frustrated as it is probably slowing the progress I could be making with GALing but it is what it is and I have to stick to my studying to get through this exam hopefully in the next month or so.
I guess I still don't know what I should be doing in the meantime. We still do most things together socially with our friends so I guess I just need to stay upbeat and positive, laugh and be confident, be a good guy and, as Cadet suggested, lower my expectations (I'm working on this - easier some days than others).
Sounds like you have a good plan in your last post. Keep detaching and stop pursuing. I'd be interested to know if you should still be going out socially together? Is that really detaching? I'm not a veteran and gave made so many mistakes don't think I'm saying you shouldn't. But I'm wondering if it's holding you back in the DB process....
M 44 H 46 M 20yrs T 25 yrs S15 S12
ILYBINILWY 7/18/15 Move to MBR 9/8/15 Physical Separation 10/10/15 Suspect A 8/2015 Confirm A 12/27/15 D filed by H 2/2/16
From the reading I've done it does not appear that I should be going out socially with my wife if I am detaching. We did stop going out together for a period of time about a month ago but since we stopped fighting and things calmed down we started doing things together again. We still sleep in the same bed and go to all of our kids hockey games together as a family and most of our socializing is with two couples and their kids who we are all close with. It's family socializing, not just my W and I. There may come a time where I get so upset or frustrated that I have no choice but to remove myself from socializing together but for now it is something we all still enjoy doing. But, to your point, my W will never really see what it is like to do these things without me nor will I get used to really being detached. Will have to see how things go with the next few MC sessions and see if things get better or worse at home. They can't stay the way they are now though. While we are going about our lives seemingly normally (we have a busy life between work and the kids schedules) there is no connection between us at the moment other than dealing with the kids and some day to day happenings. My W has been doing a Skype with a lady Shaman healer and my W was pretty intrigued after her last session and came straight to me to tell my about it once the session ended. It was nice that she felt she could come talk to me about it. This is how we used to interact not so long ago.
If things start to go off the rails again I don't think I'll have any other choice but to pull back and really detach from doing things together etc (hockey is nearing an end so this obligation will soon come to an end as well). I don't see any real change in her attitude towards me either so obviously what I'm doing now isn't having much of an impact - not really surprised, I'm not doing a lot to make her think I'm going on with my life with or without her.
James - I'm glad V weighed in. I'd love to still be going out socially with my H. I think he'd be surprised by all my changes. On the flip side though, I think he'd consider it a friendship. Because he's made it clear that's all he wants from me. So it's a tough call. I'm interested to hear an answer to V's question then..... If you don't think it's working what's the 180?
M 44 H 46 M 20yrs T 25 yrs S15 S12
ILYBINILWY 7/18/15 Move to MBR 9/8/15 Physical Separation 10/10/15 Suspect A 8/2015 Confirm A 12/27/15 D filed by H 2/2/16
James, keep in mind a WW will use kissing, hand-holding, sex, etc. as a means of manipulation. Keeping you on her hook. Notice how she quickly reverts back to disrespecting you. This may be her keeping you on plan B if she is an EA/PA. For me, I would be checking the cell phone text and phone records on your monthly bill for heavy contact with a number you don't know.
I never suspected my W in an EA until I checked. 1200 texts and over 1000 minutes of calls in a 10 day period burst that bubble. All it took for me to check was a sudden realization she was more secretive and out more than normal. FB is another place where I found the context of this contact since she mistaken thought she deleted those messages. The changing password and other behavior have a lot of signs that this may be going on. My W changed passwords, learned how to block me in FB, etc. (coached from her BF that was in multiple A"s). No point in asking her, she will just lie if she is in one.
Changing the dynamic. Go to work earlier so you can't take care of the boys in the morning. Go to work every day. Go the library to study. Don't ask, just tell her you will be doing this. Be the boss of your time.
Me:49 W:45 M:19 T:22 EA confirmed and ended 8/2014 S:19,17 D:9,5
