B's Bootcamp v3

[Bfice3]

Hello DB Forum,

Been a while since I've been posting. Lot's of stuff going here. As far as the relationship with the WW very little good to speak of. My MIL came back to town this past weekend, and I had a feeling that her return is like a herald of things to come.

My oldest D told me last weekend that the WW had mentioned to her that the WW said she was going to fight for her two week vacation and the 'grandparents rights' and that not having that is 'affecting their quality of life' and the my D would probably not like how she fights for it. (I didn't ask for her to tell me this, she just mentioned it when I asked her if there had been any new information on the concert she wants to go to.

The WW just randomly sent texts at different times, one wondering out of the blue what I was paying in health insurance for the kids, and another a few days later, saying oh yeah I just remembered I don't have your address, what is it?

I didn't respond to either. But I did go ahead and start searching and asking about lawyers from several sources and got a few good recommendations on the one I had already chosen, so I just stayed with her. I set up an appointment and went through the process of getting on retainer and told her I wanted to start up the separation agreement.

We went over all the evidence I have on the adultery, and what [censored] is that inn general, none of it matters unless someone is a 'dependent' spouse and just based on income its doubtful that I could be portrayed as the dependent spouse. But...I guess it can still be useful for leverage in the negotiations. My lawyer also had a serious interest in knowing a lot about the OM which was pretty surprising. In fact she said a lot of things that just seemed contrary to everything I thought I needed to be doing. But...I'm just listening and following her advice as it comes.

I have extremely mixed feelings about this altogether. It just feels so final, and there is no way to come back after this. But, I suppose the truth is that it was over long before this. My WW has interpreted the initial email from my lawyer as being an all out assault from me, and basically won't speak to me anymore. Which is probably fine, but I just have this bad feeling that she is going to really run this into the dirt in a way that will be bad for all of us. Although, the whole time she'll be saying and thinking and believing she is doing the 'righteous' thing.

All I really want is 50% custody, and 50% of the financial assets. Splitting up the goods in the house, I'm really not going to go too crazy about. The way I see it, most of the stuff in the house contributes to my kids standard of life and the more they have there, the more they have. I can get 'stuff' over time to fill up my place. Though, I would like one of our big leather love seats.

Yesterday, I was picking the kids up from school and waiting for them to finish up their violin practice. Our priest was out in the parking lot with the big box, so I walked over to help him load it up in his car, and we talked for a good 20 or 30 minutes. I gave him a pretty thorough update since I last met with him around New Year's. In the end he asked if he had my permission to call my WW and see if she would sit with me and him together and we could try to "get the puss out of the wound" as he put it. I said, okay (without saying what I thought my WW would think of that). I don't know if he'll call her, and I certainly have my opinion on what she will say about it if he does...but that's still where my heart is. I still wish that she would get her head out of her rear end and see what she is doing. But...I know that will never happen. She has dug in too far.

I've been reading a lot about narcissist's. And I've really come to believe that my WW very likely has NPR (narcissist personality disorder). Someone with NPR has such low self-esteem that they create this 'false self' that carries and faces reality for them. And everyone they have in their life is only their to reflect back to them their projection of that 'false self' and if they don't reflect back the correct projection they lose their value to the narcissist.

The narcissist will apparently go to any length to feed this 'false self' image. And reading about the behaviors here is what is really so frightening to me. Over the years I cannot describe the hell I have lived in where I have literally felt insane. Something would happen, and minutes after I would be accused of remembering it wrong. Or, I would wake up the next morning and be accused of something I did when drunk...and I would think, "man I must have really been drunk because I don't remember that at all". Events, and conversations, and opinions would constantly be replayed back to me in an entirely new way...and I always just felt that it was my own lack of ability, my own lack of human capacity for emotional understanding that made me so dense that I just "didn't get what was going on", or that "couldn't keep up".

The isolation of my personal life...the leaving behind of my family, friends, and all personal relationships...benefit the narcissist because it keeps me unable to see beyond the "cloud of confusion" the narcissist thrives on to be able to set the rules however they want or need to maintain their "false self" image.

How many times have I thought..."she's crazy, that didn't happen" and she would get so irate until I would apologize.

My logic was always overruled by passionate anger on her end...and then silence and detachment until I came crawling back asking for forgiveness...assuming the blame.

It's a real mess. But, the more I read about it, the more it makes sense. And, I think what has happened is that after so long, I finally stopped caring enough to reflect back happily that "false self" image she so desperately needs. So, she simply had to go get it from somewhere else.

I remember a few weeks before the separation I was talking to her trying to break through and "reach" her. I told her she has always had this "secret place" that I could never get in to. That there was always this part of her that was unavailable to me. Thinking, if I mention it, she will have to surely address it. But, no, she doesn't have to do anything.

The narcissism also falls in to line on how she can't or won't allow herself to go to therapists. Both times we went, she basically just wouldn't accept anything being negative in her description whereas I was always so willing to accept all blame.

I don't know. This whole thing just stinks.

V, I'm going to come back soon and start on the steps with you. I really need to do that.

So...I hope you are all well. I be around soon.

Later.

B