Where will we go from here

[Thornton]

Hey Tim,

Heavy, heavy stuff, my friend.

I'm sorry you are going through this. Just make sure you are making this decision based on logic and not emotion. Things are about to get bumpy for you. Fasten your seatbelt.

My ex-wife was very angry when we went through the D process. It was awful but I finally made it through the storm. The stress was unreal.

You have my support, Tim. If you have your heart set on it, pull the trigger and brace yourself. You can do this, I know you can.

[broke]

Tim,

I'm sorry I just read through your sitch (power was out here last night). I'm appalled by your wife's behavior. Absolutely heartbroken by it all. And, I'm so sad for you that you are asking if you were so awful if you deserved this. I can say absolutely not. But she is not only punishing you, she is also doing great damage to her children. I cannot fathom why she would want to cut you out of her children's lives. I agree with the other posters, the M has to go on the back burner. Time to fight for the kids.

My H and I saw a family therapist together to talk about parenting plan and other issues. Then we had option to bring boys in with us to the appointments. Maybe you could find one to give you some advice how to handle the sitch? I know ours was very helpful.

What are your plans right now? Talk to W first so she knows about it opening up biological dad visitation.? Have your lawyer talk to her about it? What about if your L called her L to talk about that? Go ahead and file?

I am so so sorry that you are going through this. I wish I could do more to help.

[TimR]

I am going to set everything up but try and wait till next Thursday or Friday to pull the trigger and have L send the initial letter. I want to see what transpires for a bit. However, if she withholds him from me at any point I will be ready to file the following day. I am sure he will come to me if she says anything in the meantime that I need to prepare for.

Funny thing about this when bio dad cheated she learned it from the kids. She knows they will not keep secrets but will volunteer the information without being asked. The fact that he is so adamant about living with me, means he will share openly about her with anyone. Just found out last night he has had several conversations with some mutual friends about how he does not want to live with his mom. OMG my heart breaks for that boy and what he must be going through.

[broke]

Tim,

Sounds like you have a solid plan. IMHO, I still agree with jujub about talking to social worker or family therapist to help you with how best to handle when S13 comes to you to talk. They may be able to give you advice about how to handle your very spiteful WW, too. Finally, it may help you in court if they know how much you really want to do what's best for the boys.

Anyway, I'm glad you have a strategy. And I'm very glad that S13 has you in his life. Just imagine if he didn't!

Remember - You didn't deserve this. No matter how many mistakes we all made, no one deserves to be kept away from their children. And the children shouldn't have to suffer any more either. ((Hugs))

[JulieH]

I think it's good that's you are waiting. Important not to make decisions when emotional. In fact, I would hold off on filing until absolutely necessary for your protection to see what transpires.

Your wife has issues. Your marriage had issues from the very beginning. It seems to have been established off of a lot of emotion and dysfunction. .

But, I do think your wife is acting on emotion right now. You are acting on emotion. She too is scared and she too is angry. I can imagine how fearful she must be knowing that her husband is a lawyer and has access to top lawyers. I know how fearful you must be thinking you might never have access to children again. The court system can be cruel and you are both waving it around like heavy ammunition. Very, very scary and volatile. I am sure you know better then I. My lawyer warned me that once you proceed through the courts things are never amicable. i cannot help but feel like this will turn into a nasty battle. For childrens sake, amicable is always preferred. Please, find a social worker. Maybe school guidance counselors can recommend someone.

Your situation reads like a power struggle and the kids are in the middle.

Did you ever ask her, what she thought would be best plan so that you can still have an active financial and emotional role in their lives? (Sadly, hearing that financial,offering might make her more responsive. But hey. It gets you negotiating )

You can say something like, "I do not agree with divorce but I have no choice and will have to accept this. But I would like to continue providing the children with financial and emotional support. What would be a way that I could do this for them, that you would be ok with?"

Let her have control when it comes to this. Hear her out. Listen to what she says. If things go well for her, she will probably see you as a non threatening advantage to her life.

I was just advised this by coach so I will apply it to your situation

When you do good you will feel good. Will a court battle make you feel good?

When you do bad you will feel bad. Will coming up with solution that makes things easy on the kids make you feel bad?

I think work on building a team right now before making a rash decision. Get advise from different lawyers, counselors, people that have experienced this.

I get that there is so much at stake right now and I get the legal implications for every delay.

[JulieH]

Any vets out there?

[G8r]

Sorry to hear about the turmoil you are enduring. You are NOT a fool. My WW took my D3 to a hotel in another state to meet the om. Mind you, she had only spoken to home online at that time. My D3 asked me if mr. om loved her when she returned because apparently my WW mentioned something to her. My WW responded to my anger by telling me I forced her to do this. More recently, my WW gets tickets or makes plans for the 3 of us to do something then she gets mad at me and bans me from coming. She then blames me for hurting D3. My schedule hasn't changed but my WW is also now by laing me for my D3 missing me. The reality is that she takes her to do things and doesn't want me around. I hate and it angers that she uses my D3 like a pawn (forgot to include this in the earlier post on my thread ) similar to the way your WW is treating your S13. I know on some level my WW is still an ok mother and I yope your WW is as well but for Pete's sake. I tell myself that her A fog is like crystal meth and she doesn't know what she is doing sometimes. It's really the only way I know how to cope with the anger they produce in us.

I truly hope this situation with your WW begins to resolve for you and S13. Stay strong. S13 needs you. Vaya con dios.

[TimR]

Thanks g8r. I looked into social worker and have not had any luck with finding one. I have considered call the school psychologist but am worried it will get back to WW. I may text my fellow coach who works there and will keep it quiet.

You are absolutely right. Once I pull the trigger things are going to get very ugly. I do not want that. Worse I know once S voices his opinion which seems to be happening already, WW is going to start attacking him and taking her moods out on him. There is no saving feelings in court, if you do you lose; so I do not want this to get that far. I am hoping my NC will soften her to an extent, but the fact she was texting me friendly after saying all those things to him, I just do not think it is going to happen. Regardless, I have some time to play with so I am going to hang back and monitor. I know my thread sounds like I am moving with guns a blazin but let me say this is really not what I want. S should not be put in the position he is stuck in, that is a burden a 13 yo should not need to bare. I was 17 when my parents went through D and I was not equipped at that age.

I did find a mediation program which may help but I do not think she will go voluntarily. I also think if I ask right now it will lead to a fight.

Sandi asked why we are afraid of our WW's anger. This is exactly it!

[Ojap]

I don't think you're moving w/ 'guns blazing'. Matter of fact...protecting the children is preeminent. I can also understand that the court involvement will be bad for them as well (though it may be necessary).

I don't know if this is even possible. But is their ANY way that you could have 20 mins., face-to-face w/ the W?

In the invite, say something like, "I would really like to talk with you about our escalating situation. I do not wish to fight, accuse, blame, or beg for anything. We can meet in a neutral place, in public, so that we can both remain calm"

I'm sure it could be worded better...but at the sit down, simply say that you "have no desire for things to 'escalate wildly'. And that engaging in custody/separation battle will be terrible for both of us...but more importantly, the boys"

This may not be an option if she can't be reasonable...but maybe worth a Last Resort before pulling the 'filing' trigger?

[Ojap]

Also...you can speak to the school counselor. And you can let him/her know the delicacy of the situation. They are actually really good resources most of the time.