Ups and downs

[JulieH]

Thank you for all the responses. I have a lot to think over. I have also just had a session with coach and will respond back later.

[JujuB]

Ahh I keep signing on with wrong name and no edit button. That's what happens with no sleep.

[JujuB]

Julie

To me the A wasn't the deal breaker, the other stuff is enough.
So what is the bottom line?
Ignoring an A, how bad would H behaviour have to go before you detach?

our marriage was not good. We never set it up right from the beginning regarding a lot of stuff. We kind of just winged it and then when big issues came up, it became too much. We had no commutation skills, and we were not meeting each other's needs. Husband slowly withdrew over the years. He left us without clear communication and without a plan. He said goal was reconciliation. This was really bad behavior... To walk out on us like that. To refuse to give me an answer. His neglect was really bad to. This is enough for someone to walk away. But for some reason I cannot leave.

If I found out later, that I put up with all of this and there was an affair I would be furious. Especially at myself. Why wasn't this enough for me to have some pride and walk away? Leaving us is enough. It has been 9 months now that he has been physically gone. ,



Look I am not saying unattach, you can still stand for M. For a new M and that can be H.
Ignore what he says and of course take note of only have of that which he does.

he does nothing. Work has been his priority. He says it and shows it. A marriage cannot survive that. He says he has to provide. He has always said that. His job does not pay overtime, so it has never made sense. I suspect I am pretty sure that because of his ocd, he might have to put more time into things in order to complete them (he was like this with taxes and resume etc.... He says he has to provide for kids but would not pay child support. There is no sense.

I believe in Intel, I truly believe in knowing, when I filed I had to know so that if I wanted I could go for Adultery in my D. If your state is a fault state then it's important too.
My spider sense says there is an EA likely in another jurisdiction and it would be difficult to uncover. So the first thing I would want to do is keep a diary of H location. You would need access to his phone or computer to really know. A local A is likely to be easier to uncover, a half decent PI can do this, and if it really matters to you then hire one. If this was the case then I suggest he may not consider moving away.
Do you know where he is looking to live? Does his current employer have offices there? Statistics show us the majority of As are work related and start with an EA. a PA may require the little blue pill which may not be good for his heart.

. Our state is a no fault. At this point, finding Intel would be like finding a needle in a haystack. His schedule is irregular. He lives away, I have no access to his stuff. Even if I did, he is extremely computer and technology savy...I'm talking went to school for it, lives, breathes, and works technology. Plus he a perfectionist and ocd and has always been protective of all of his stuff because he has a lot of friends that actually hack for fun. I am opposite.



Alternatively there could be another compulsion or if he moves then any waywardness may be in his grasp. H may be delaying.

. The two of us always had plans to move away because we could not afford it here and more higher paying opportunities in his field in other states. If we divorce, and both stay here we will both struggle. If he moves away, he will be choosing to leave kids. I will have freedom to move anywhere I want but would need to stay for help with childcare, so forced to struggle financially. Also, dividing kids every other weekend is easier emotionally and gives me a break then having him take them for 1 big stretch
Is there a woman he likes in other office? Of course that would explain so much. But again I have no proof and no way of getting any.

Living with in laws is often really stressful in an M. I think his analysis of too much is a good one.

. Yes. This was the worst thing we could have done. He completely detached while he was here. But when I asked him to move out, he said he only would if I returned to work full time (logistically impossible at time). He had set me up for failure and was really just looking for excuse to walk out.

If it were me then I would detach and include that there is a good possibility that H is wayward in his thoughts, in the planning stage of an A or will look for an A eventually.

yes I am trying to detach. I am putting it in my mind that I am going to divorce. I am coming to terms with it. I understand the things we did wrong. Both of us. I feel like it is fixable, but if he does not want to do anything, I cannot certainly save the marriage if he does not want it saved

Julie H isn't stringing you along, sweetheart he is very clear he has sacked you as his W. You are stringing yourself along. He isn't treating you in any particular way, he has just said "no R" and that's his choice. You keep asking him won't help, he feels it's none of your business. He may be lying or not although he will feel ready to move on when he does.

. I feel like he is. first he said goal was reconciliation, then he said no reconciliation, then he said yes reconciliation, now he says "he can't say yes or no" and that he "has to get myself straightened out first" "I don't know, I have to get career straightened" out"

My DB coach did say that men involved in affairs are usually quick to request a divorce. My husband hasn't said this yet. He keeps saying he needs space.


Eventually it will unfold. Eventually even if he hasn't already he will move on its a question of time and he may feel that's ok. Your need to know isn't his need to tell.

. That's a horrible way to treat someone. Why would he not tell me? Perhaps he is too busy and stressed to deal with legal issues, and is waiting for his life to calm down. Coach says he struggles because he is still connected. Comments like that keep me hanging on but I worry they keep me in denial too.

Another poster here stuck with attachment is APeace (Ghost) so wrapped up in whether his W is wayward or not that he is stuck cycling. Looping. Fearing being abandoned that his W having an A makes that certain. Ironically a spouse being wayward often makes it easier to stand, it adds gravitas and a focus.

Walking away is harder to explain but R is more likely. But only if the LBS gets their stuff together. Di-Mond appears to be in this sitch, her H is a WAH whose compulsion is gaming., she has handled this beautifully and mastered her major problems and is becoming someone only a roll would leave.

i will check out her sitch. Thank you. If he is a WAS, for me their is more compassion and I move forward differently because I don't feel the pressures from the legal situation.

Julie, you have a lot of work to do on you, a great deal in fact to be healing. You are not crazy, you are moving through the Kubler Ross grief curve. In fact you may have two going on together which are cycling to different length cycles, enhancing some phases.

definatly anger. What is other one? do you think denial? That is scary for me, because I like to be honest with myself and self aware.

Your first focus needs to be Julie and her children, the focus on whether H is wayward or not is getting in the way of you focusing on you, doing that which is right for you, irrespective of its affect on your R.

I know this. Although legal and financial decisions to consider with me moving on. Some of which are good for me and kids if we reconcile but very bad for me and kids if we do not and vice versa. This is major source of stress for me and gets in way.

Quite often there is childhood trauma trapped in this, so I am going to ask is this a factor?
. I truly cannot think of any. No infidelity in my family, no divorce. Just negative and cynical parents. I Discovered Major childhood tragedy in husbands childhood that he has no clue about though that explains so much. It explains his obsession with providing and working and his neglect of kids.

There is a reason you are trapped, it's serving a purpose for you. What is it doing for you?

my inability to walk away from Partner even though I am not being treated well. This was my experience with my first relationship as well. I don't know why. Fear of making a decision and acting on it? Being risk adverse? Walking away from marriage is big risk and heavy complications.

Can you get to the bottom of it, I don't care about your H iwaywardness, it's you I am concerned about.

If uncertainty is getting in the way of you healing and growing then why is that?

. Because I lack confidence to make a decision that will affect my future. I don't know if i am right in my judgements. (This must be FOO thing). Thank you.

Hugs

V

[JujuB]

" Ironically a spouse being wayward often makes it easier to stand, it adds gravitas and a focus"

Yes. It is a clean cut crossing of a boundary. easy definition. Unable to deny. (Although more of a sharp pain)

The not knowing is really mentally draining. (Dull, nagging pain) I too have noticed that the few posters on here that do not know, really have trouble moving forward on a path.
I am going to stop asking husband about other women, because even when he tells me no..It feels good temporarily, but I don't believe him days later. I have to stop caring. I have been trying to think of the all things I find unattractive about him.

It's like, my future is all to be determined by him. Thi is very unsettling. I know rationally that anyone reading this is saying..."no. You do what you want. It has nothing to do with him. Make adventures for yourself, have fun without him. Your happiness should not be dictated by whether or not you get back with your husband. Go out and have fun and GAL". But for some reason, he is constantly a thought.

I am hoping this will become easier when I feel better as well. I know this is a major hindrance. Right now my chest hurts especially at the end of day. I am so tired. I was out of breath for 30 minutes after doing light exercise. i have to go back to MD. This is the never ending virus and its making it hard to get out of the slump I am in. But at least I know eventually it will get better.

Thank you for responding

[broke]

JujuB,

I'm sorry you aren't feeling well emotionally or physically. If your chest hurts that much, could it be pneumonia?

I think when I was feeling so low on Wednesday, I was approaching my sitch the same way as you. When I have my lowest points, I'm focused on whether H and I are going to reconcile. Those days I think reconciling is impossible crushes my spirit. I feel "stuck" and can't get myself out of the hole of despair. Then, something or someone gets me to remember I can only control my actions and my reactions. I can only work on myself and be the best I can be. I can't let H be responsible for my happiness. Only I can be responsible for that. My next partner is only responsible for adding or enhancing my happiness. Just like I'm not responsible for making my H happy.

I just wanted to say you are not alone. The swing of emotions is such a struggle. That dull, nagging pain has been stuck in my stomach for 8 months. I think only time, working through the pain and personal growth will allow us to move forward.

I'm thinking go you and I hope you feel better. Can you get out and have coffee with a friend or do a GAL activity today? ((Hugs))

[JujuB]

Broke
Thank you for posting. I have been in a bit of a depression this past month. I am fine at work, but really low. I actually did not think to call and socialize with someone (I always feel better when I do that) but did shopping therapy instead. treating myself to an expensive face mask as I write.

I actually do think it's a walking pneumonia. My coworker listened to my lungs and felt there was difference in sounds of right upper lobe so as soon as I can get back to MD I will. I know this is what is keeping me down. When I have energy to get out and do stuff I feel so much better about my life.

Next couple of days I have pretty long and intensive course to take. I know most of material but you get so much out of them when info is not completely new.

[Sparkls]

I was right there with you today Juju. I didn't really have anything uplifting to say as I'm pretty deep in my own quagmire of depression/regret right now but I just wanted to say you aren't alone.

And yes, pneumonia will do that to you, but fortunately, a quick course of antibiotics should clear it up pretty quickly and get you back up on your feet. Just remember to stay really well hydrated, helps to clear all the gunk out of your lungs faster (I speak both as an almost doctor and having gone through that several times in college).

Try googling positive break up quotes. Sometimes puts me in a better mood. Or puppies. No one can be sad and looking at puppies.

[JujuB]

Thanks for tapping me on the shoulder on my thread. I know you're having a hard time and I wish it would hurry up and get easier for you.

I haven't been posting much anymore because I feel like a broken record that doesn't accomplish much. But I'll say it again:

Whether he is in an A or not, whether 'limbo' continues or a D is finalized...the next 12-24 months should look the same in terms of the life you live. It doesn't matter, so call off the PI and keep your eyes on you.


thank you for posting zues. I know you haven't been posting much anymore and I always appreciate a thought from you.

Yes you are right. Regardless, I really have no other choice in the matter and have to make the best of it. Many say to do nothing is really the best thing anyhow. Sometimes, no often times it is hard to separate rational thought from my emotions that cause me to basically obsess.



You should grieve, recover, take care of you and your family. Doing this isn't 'wasting time'. I'd say it's making pretty darn good use of it. What the heck would you do differently than this is your H was having an A? I don't understand. Would you go to the bar and jump into bed with some other guy in exchange for making him promise to hold you and talk you off the ledge for when you're crazy or lonely?

straight answers would give me that closure. It would also help me figure out the dreaded legal crap. If there was affair, it would be handled differently. There would be no hope for reconciliation. I would not try for friendship. He would be dead to me.
I am not ready for OM. I think about it and say sometimes that it would be a good way to detach and that I need someone to help me not care about what husband is doing. That maybe I would not care and obsess about whether husband cheated if I myself did. Technically we are still married.

But first off, any guy that actually goes for me in my situation is not the type of guy I would want. 2nd I am too unhappy and emotionally unavailable to go through the motions. 3rd I don't think many women really seek one night stands. I can't imagine being used would make anyone feel better.


J, you can't cling to him and a dead marriage with cat claws, fly up and down an emotional roller coaster, and then think that the issue is limbo. He is not 'stringing you along', it is your issue, you choosing to not let go.


. Yes. We are separated. We are not married. He gets to be separated without the legal implications. Do I proceed legally? Gives me closure and improved finances and secures arrangements with children. I have some knowledge of how my future will go. Do I need to work more ? Etc. What is the purpose of not filing if relationship is over. But yes saying reconciling indicates that we are done or would not need reconciling... In my mind, it was just 1 big fight and I was waiting for him to see reason. I

I'm not criticizing or judging you for this. I haven't walked a mile in your shoes, and it's clear there is tremendous pain moving around in your heart and head. But you do need to understand this because if you don't you'll start making life changing decisions based on emotional reactions to your sore spots.

I do know the 'uncertainty' is difficult...I always compared it to the difference between knowing your spouse died in a car crash, vs. having them become a 'missing person', where you never really know what happened, and you can cling to hope for weeks or months that they will turn up.

Your H is a missing person. It's been long enough. Go ahead and grieve, and put the marriage in the ground. Have a ceremony if you need to. Take the wedding ring off and put it in the ground. Take care of yourself. Move forward with the children. Whatever fears you have, work on yourself in IC, GAL, and rebuild.

If WAH comes around and wants to work on R in a year or two, take a look at who you have become, where you are, where he is, what he has become, and you'll know if it makes sense to discuss that possibility. But you can't possibly decide that now, because you're either clinging out of fear or pushing away to punish. Still too attached. Just keep walking J. Keep walking. Don't look back.

. I am working on withdrawing. Will be easier when I feel better. Just short word answers now to husband. How do you not think of them though?

[JujuB]

Thanks spark.. I wish I could adopt a puppy. I Think that would be the answer.

[Thornton]

Puppies make everything better. I have my W's dog because she couldn't take him with her and he an I are best pals now.