Looking for a Spark in the dark

[HopeRB]

Sorry to hijack Spark. Catching up on the latest here and theres so much good stuff that I going to step back a bit to comment:

Anger. That was me yesterday at the gym. I put on some angry music and went into the zone.

It's totally fine to feel the anger and let it out. But, do not let it make you do something you will regret. Because I can almost guarantee you, you probably won't feel angry tomorrow.

I love angry music...its so empowering and I think thats the place where I get to curse H out in my head. For some reason I can only do that when my body is in motion, working up a sweat or in the shower. Otherwise, I try my hardest not to allow bitterness to take root in my heart. But I'm human. Also, the gym seems to be my happy place these days and H seems to be floored by that since he's the runner/gym rat of our R and would train me.

Also, is it wierd that I think H actually made me "better" overall? Even through this? Like, I'm doing so much self-introspection and realizing patterns in my character that have pushed people away and I wouldn't have come to that place so openly and quickly if it hadn't been for H who pushed me to be better, do more in my career and to move confidently in the direction of my dreams. Totally not putting him on a pedestal but, H seemed to be on the right track before he met me. And he was always the one with the positive attitude and who lifted me up even though I was negative, defensive and contentious. I put on a front when I met him...made him think I was a ray of light when actually I wasn't happy in my life at all. He kinda came along and "rescued" me. Don't get me wrong, I was moving in the direction of what I wanted and living my life, its just that when he came along, it all kind of just came together. I wonder if he things I brought any value to his life or made him better in any way...But I do agree with all of you that they change and I'm not really feeling this version of H right now.