Spamming my own thread: I guess I just can't reconcile in my head the him that he's being right now and the him that I have in my head of who he can be. I guess this really is the crux of what detaching is. Letting go of that image. Letting go of it all. I hope I get there soon....
M:26 H:32 T:8yrs ILYBNILWY/ "I'm not happy": 2/6/16 D-Day-discovered PA/EA: 2/10/16 Separated: 2/14/16 He's living with OW I moved to different state: 06/16 Currently: Trying to move forward
Spamming my own thread: I guess I just can't reconcile in my head the him that he's being right now and the him that I have in my head of who he can be. I guess this really is the crux of what detaching is. Letting go of that image. Letting go of it all. I hope I get there soon....
Ditto, Sparks, ditto
M 44 H 46 M 20yrs T 25 yrs S15 S12
ILYBINILWY 7/18/15 Move to MBR 9/8/15 Physical Separation 10/10/15 Suspect A 8/2015 Confirm A 12/27/15 D filed by H 2/2/16
Before WW: I was not fond of kids, was very frivolous and materialistic and lonely.
Post WW: I am willing to do anything for the boys (although that was them not her) am more grounded and again lonely.
I can see that she opened my world up through her kids and I love her for that.
See, I spent like 3 hours trying to think of something. And the most I came up with was he kept me acting young/fun and he made me be a little bit more liberal with my ideas (I tend to be Middle road all the way). I'll think on it more but everything I came up with were ways I pushed *him* to be better. A very dear family friend told me to just be careful that I'm not just looking for people to fix. Because I'm a fixer. I'm a healer. But in a relationship, that won't be healthy for me or the relationship. I didn't think that's what me and H's relationship was but maybe it played a bigger role than I thought. I never wanted to fix him. I just was pushing him to try and do better. (in my head, those are two distinct things but maybe they aren't).
Why am I the one doing all the self reflection in this?! I'm not the one who effed up.
M:26 H:32 T:8yrs ILYBNILWY/ "I'm not happy": 2/6/16 D-Day-discovered PA/EA: 2/10/16 Separated: 2/14/16 He's living with OW I moved to different state: 06/16 Currently: Trying to move forward
I hope you do too Sparks. I am in the same boat, only I cant get past who WW is now, to who she was. I feel for you and wish you strength to get through this to come out a better person.
Me 41 W 33 M 2013 Suspect A 11/15 Confirm A 1/16 She moved out 2/14/16 Stepson 13 Stepson 16
I really should think more before I hit submit> I think in the beginning, as corny as it was, he told me that I made him want to be a better man. So he showed me just how good of a guy he could be. But lately, he decided he didn't want to try and be that guy anymore and I started to try and push him more and more to not backslide. And the more he did, the more I pushed and we got into this dynamic where I became his parent telling him what he could/couldn't do and he became the obstinate teenager doing things just to spite his parent. In order for our R to go forward, we'd both have to meet each other in the middle. I'd need to see him trying to be a better man and he'd need to see that I"m not going to parent him. I dunno if that'll ever happen.
M:26 H:32 T:8yrs ILYBNILWY/ "I'm not happy": 2/6/16 D-Day-discovered PA/EA: 2/10/16 Separated: 2/14/16 He's living with OW I moved to different state: 06/16 Currently: Trying to move forward
I hear you SparkSB. It's extremely tough to reconcile who they are now with who they were. I think part of this originates with who we think we are. We still love and have feelings for our S; however, the peon they have become creates too much cognitive dissonance and confusion for us so we cling even tighter to our older image.
Me:44 W:38 T:10.5 M:7.5 D:3 BD: 7/2015 W moves out of MBR: 9/2015 WW files for D: 2/8/2016
Sorry to hijack Spark. Catching up on the latest here and theres so much good stuff that I going to step back a bit to comment:
Originally Posted By: Thornton
Anger. That was me yesterday at the gym. I put on some angry music and went into the zone.
It's totally fine to feel the anger and let it out. But, do not let it make you do something you will regret. Because I can almost guarantee you, you probably won't feel angry tomorrow.
I love angry music...its so empowering and I think thats the place where I get to curse H out in my head. For some reason I can only do that when my body is in motion, working up a sweat or in the shower. Otherwise, I try my hardest not to allow bitterness to take root in my heart. But I'm human. Also, the gym seems to be my happy place these days and H seems to be floored by that since he's the runner/gym rat of our R and would train me.
Also, is it wierd that I think H actually made me "better" overall? Even through this? Like, I'm doing so much self-introspection and realizing patterns in my character that have pushed people away and I wouldn't have come to that place so openly and quickly if it hadn't been for H who pushed me to be better, do more in my career and to move confidently in the direction of my dreams. Totally not putting him on a pedestal but, H seemed to be on the right track before he met me. And he was always the one with the positive attitude and who lifted me up even though I was negative, defensive and contentious. I put on a front when I met him...made him think I was a ray of light when actually I wasn't happy in my life at all. He kinda came along and "rescued" me. Don't get me wrong, I was moving in the direction of what I wanted and living my life, its just that when he came along, it all kind of just came together. I wonder if he things I brought any value to his life or made him better in any way...But I do agree with all of you that they change and I'm not really feeling this version of H right now.
"Be messy and complicated and afraid and show up anyways."
I've never been very good at angry. It only lasts so long and then turns to just an uneasy bummed out feeling (which is where I"m at now). I guess I'm just stuck with this thought of how could my feelings in all this not matter in the slightest. Simply put: it's just not fair. It's my life, I should have some say in it. But that was stolen from me. I know I get to chose how I react and how I move forward but that doesn't change the fact that I *have* to do those things.
Life never promised to be fair but dammit, I'm really ready for some things to start going my way. It seems like it's kicking me when I was already down from my mom. I guess more accurately, HE kicked me when I was already down. [censored].
M:26 H:32 T:8yrs ILYBNILWY/ "I'm not happy": 2/6/16 D-Day-discovered PA/EA: 2/10/16 Separated: 2/14/16 He's living with OW I moved to different state: 06/16 Currently: Trying to move forward
W wanted a home, I saved and saved and got her our house. And then she bails on me leaving me in house I can't afford on my own. The house is solely in my name.
