Need help. Threading water, learning to swim.

[G8r]

Thank you rich4j, daybyday, and broke. This whole thing is a process. I was feeling very sad and lonely last night and I was feeling the same way this morning which caused me to become a bit introspective this morning. The frequency of my WW pointed out that I'm angry has increased dramatically lately. Initially I attributed to her projecting her anger onto me and then telling me I'm angry. To some extent, I know this to be true. She wants me out of the house yesterday. I also hear the anger and contempt in the tone of her voice, I see it in her face and body language and I am starting to see it in her actions (such as tossing my clothes out of the dryer in a ball in the laundry basket while I still hang and fold her stuff if it's in the dryer and I need to use the dryer) so it was easy for me to point the finger and say all the tension in our house is originating from my WW and her anger. I didn't feel like I was angry with her because I wasn't showing (IMO) any anger, raising my voice, calling her names or making snide passive aggressive comments. However, my WW knows me better than anyone else, so I began to wonder if I'm angry and wasn't admitting it or maybe I just didn't want to be so angry with someone that I love. What if I really am angry and it shows in my face and posture? What if I am using a poor tone of voice that is somehow conveying to her that I'm angry? If so, then I am contributing to my own demise by giving her what she wants to support her decision to leave. I certainly can't control what she does, let alone what she feels, so that leaves me.

I decided this morning that regardless of whether or not I feel angrt, I don't want to convey that message to her (at least from my perspective). I also don't want to be cold towards her which I know I have been because I don't know how to be nice without being her friend and that is something I will not do. That is why, out of the blue, I decided to thank her for letting me put our D3 to sleep even though it was my WW's night. She responded with complaints and passive aggressive comments but I don't care. I did what I wanted to do and that was to be nice and to let go of some of my anger and maybe a little sadness (it's always been easier for me to feel and release anger rather than sadness).

We're still getting a D and I'm not happy about it but I need to let go of this anger without continuing to push her away. I t hi k I made a decent 1st step and I'm feeling good about that which has led me to be in a better mood today compared to yesterday.

Btw, I dropped the smoking like it was hot back in September and haven't looked back. Voy a ir con dios.