Looking for a Spark in the dark

[broke]

Sparks,

You sound stronger - you are an amazing force and I'm excited for you to start in a new place and new job. I think you go with your gut. If you think there's a chance he will want the dogs, it doesn't hurt to have them with friends or doggie daycare. Protect your happiness. If those puppies make you happy do whatever it takes to keep them.

[Sparkls]

Today is definitely more of an angry day. Pissed that he's being so dumb. Like, he's really throwing away everything I have to offer for this?! I'm not the one who changed, he did. And now I'm left dealing with the consequences of him being too much of a coward and weakling to just use his f*cking words like a grown ass adult. But that's the thing: he's not being an adult. He's reverted to his 19 year old self. And that's what got him thrown in jail last time so I really don't want to be hitched to that wagon.
Whenever I explain the situation to someone else, everyone always says hes just not good enough for me. And the reality is I was always pushing him to be his better self because it does exist in him but somewhere in the last year or so, he started hanging out with sh*tty people who didn't expect him to be better and he just started to resent that I did. Until he decides he actually wants to be that better person, I don't want him back.

I'm going to try and find a friend to hang with my pups. Say they're having a puppy play date if he asks. I just don't want to deal with it.

[Thornton]

Anger. That was me yesterday at the gym. I put on some angry music and went into the zone.

It's totally fine to feel the anger and let it out. But, do not let it make you do something you will regret. Because I can almost guarantee you, you probably won't feel angry tomorrow.

[TimR]

Sorry you have to be going through this Sparks, and sorry for the anger. I don't know about friends saying you are too good for him? I think that creates a tier system of holding oneself above others when in actuality God has given us all different gifts. No one would come to me to deliver a baby or set a bone, but no one would come to you to defend accusations against them. Yet were we both be if our cars broke down on the highway. See what I mean?

However, having said that it may be that you are two people on completely different tracks. And quite possibly your tracks crossed for a bit but will not again.

Be the best Sparkles you can be, for you and no one else.

[broke]

Sparks,

Ahhhhm that roller coaster of emotions. Sometimes, anger gets you through. And the next minute you are a puddle of tears again. It's truly crazy how you can feel every emotion in a matter of minutes. Agree with Thornton to remember not to act on the highs or lows and let your emotions get the best of you. I'm working on that too. Don't want to undo the good db'ing we've done for ourselves.

Love what Tim wrote about being two people on 2 different tracks. I'm starting to see how my H isn't who I married anymore. Maybe when people say you deserve better that's what they mean: someone who's on the same path with you, values the same things or at least will try to stay on that path even when there's obstacles in the way. Very interesting way to view things.

Glad you have plan for Friday! Being prepared will make it easier.

[Sparkls]

I was watching a Ted talks last night called Break ups Dont have to leave you broken. And one of the things he says is that relationships are about making you a better person. I sat in the shower thinking about how H has made me a better person. Like, when I get down to the nitty gritty of it, how has him being in my life made *me* as a human being better.

And I couldn't think of a single thing.

He didn't make me more kind, more patient, more caring. I was all of those things already. He didn't make me more determined or strong. The only thing I could come up with is that he showed me that I could love completely, without reservation, despite everything I've been through. He made me more immature, made me more rash. I"m not sure those are thing I wanted to be anyway. And now, with all of this, he's made me doubt myself, question my strength, question my compassion, question my reason for loving. More and more, I'm asking myself what is there worth saving here. If he were to do a 180, then yes, maybe. But right now, there's not even a glimmer of that happening. I have a hard time letting go because I've never given up on him before and I feel like by walking away, I'm giving up on him. But I can't help him anyway. So where does that leave me....

[broke]

I need to watch that Ted talk! I've come to the realization that your partner should not make you happy. I think my H thinks I'm the cause of his unhappiness. But he's responsible for his own happiness as am I for mine. Our partners should enhance or add to our own happiness. In other words, I agree that they should challenge us to be better, happier people.

It sounds like you are trying to determine if your partner enhanced your happiness or made you a better person. And I'm doing that today too! I'm hoping that will help me on my journey to be the best me I can be.

Last week, my IC said that I was sad because I'd like to go back to the way things were 8 months ago. And I said absolutely not. I'm a different person now. I've improved so much already. So I'm in 100% agreement, Sparks, unless our partners also change to help get us on that same track again, it isn't worth going backwards.

It's so interesting how we all have such similar paths as an LBS and the WAS has a script!

[Thornton]

Interesting...

I think I saw that TED Talk as well.

Now you have me thinking. When I met W, she had poor credit, a dead end job, was drinking all the time.

I had great credit, a management position, healthy, hadn't touched alcohol in a long time.

Now W has good credit, a career (I did her resume for her and taught her how to interview), a Lexus, and is sober (at least to my knowledge), she was singing in my church's choir as well.

I don't think I really learned squat from her except how to cook some different things and a taste for jazz music.

Hmmm...

[Sparkls]

Good relationships are about finding people who build us up. Who enhance our lives and make us better for their existence in them. I'm just not sure H did that for me anymore. I liked having him there, sure. We did fun things together, but none if it really built me up, other than to show how much adversity I can overcome and c'mon, I've shown that more times than I can count now. As they say, you never know how strong you can be until being strong is the only choice you have. Well, I'm really tired of always being strong. I want someone who's not going to force me to always have to be the strong one. I thought I had that. The ONE time I really let myself be weak with everything going on with my mom, and what does he do?! That's not someone I want because there will come times in my life when I need someone to hold me up again. And he's just proven that that's not him, at least not the 'him' he's become right now.

[Sparkls]

Oh and the ted talks was on the youtubes :p