Looking for a Spark in the dark

[Sparkls]

I was watching a Ted talks last night called Break ups Dont have to leave you broken. And one of the things he says is that relationships are about making you a better person. I sat in the shower thinking about how H has made me a better person. Like, when I get down to the nitty gritty of it, how has him being in my life made *me* as a human being better.

And I couldn't think of a single thing.

He didn't make me more kind, more patient, more caring. I was all of those things already. He didn't make me more determined or strong. The only thing I could come up with is that he showed me that I could love completely, without reservation, despite everything I've been through. He made me more immature, made me more rash. I"m not sure those are thing I wanted to be anyway. And now, with all of this, he's made me doubt myself, question my strength, question my compassion, question my reason for loving. More and more, I'm asking myself what is there worth saving here. If he were to do a 180, then yes, maybe. But right now, there's not even a glimmer of that happening. I have a hard time letting go because I've never given up on him before and I feel like by walking away, I'm giving up on him. But I can't help him anyway. So where does that leave me....