The begining of the rest of my new life? (3)

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Uau, my mind is blown off.
This camera issue did more damage than I ever expected!! I did more damage that I could have ever imagined.
Before I had a talk with STBXW she sent me an email.
In it she told me she had been thinking about the answer I gave her (“I will think if I lend you the camera). Besides mentioning some past grievances regarding issues with more than four years - I gave my previous camera to my brother without consulting her – she mentioned she felt a separation between “my” things and “her” things, when, according to our wedding contract, everything acquired after the marriage belongs to both of us.
She added both of us gave different contributions to our common patrimony and that she made a big personal and professional sacrifice by abandoning her profession to come and join me in this foreign land and that allowed us to increase our assets.
Therefore, she concluded she should acquire her own camera and for that she proposed three alternatives:
- She would buy it immediately;
- She would ask the money from a friend and they pay it back when she would start working and when we would split our assets;
- We could split our assets right now without waiting for the divorce.
We met the same day at school. She was still smiling at me.
I validated her feelings about my previous camera.
She reproached the upcoming trip the kids and I are taking to Florida by saying she hadn’t been consulted and it was an expensive trip. She said since the separation back in October she had tried to be cautious with money and had not incurred in any big spending.
I told her I would not like for her to buy a camera right now and that she could ask money from the friend. Nevertheless I told her she could have gone in all the trips she wanted. I know this doesn’t make any sense, but trips are not corporeal and she would not be taking them with her after the divorce.
We ended up not discussing the third alternative due to lack of time.
Two hours later she sent me a new email saying exactly that. She also asked me why I considered trips a different kind of investment from objects.
She told she had refrained herself from long trips in order not to spend money.
She asked if it would have been her booking such an expensive trip if she would need to consult me.
The ended by saying she needs everything clarified when it comes to the money that is ours, although I am the only one working.
Thursday morning I called STBXW.
I told her we could not officially split our assets, only when we divorce, but we could do it unofficially, as long we would trust each other and later on would not go back in our word. She could open a bank account in her name and I would give her half the money we have deposited.
Regarding the question she asked about having to consult me in advance if she would want to go on a long trip, I did not answer directly.
And then I blew it!
I told her since October, since our separation, and although she has the credit and debit cards for our account, not once I had checked or controlled any of her withdrawals. And then I tried to joke about it, saying if she would have spent all the money in men I would not have noticed. So, no, she would not need to consult me. I also said I didn’t feel the need to consult her for the trip since it was money I had earned with my work. Ending the conversation, I joked again saying from now on I would ask from her a detailed list with all her expenses in men. She said in an angry voice: “never”.
There and then I realized I had to apologize for my rudeness.
I waited until the afternoon, when I went to her place to pick up the kids. She was furious. In front of the kids she said she would open a bank account the following day, as per our agreement. She said now she understood everything, that I had revealed myself (in the sense that I would be jealous). I pulled her away from the kids and apologized. She would not accept the apologies I kept repeating. She mentioned silly things like the fact that she had good friends who would never let die of hunger and that, fortunately, she did not have to prostitute herself in order to eat.
I arrived home and wrote an email reinforcing my apologies for my rudeness.
This morning she sent me an email with the bank account number.
She wrote she is very happy the camera issue was brought up because it had helped to clarify a lot of issues and to reveal who we really are.
She added that from yesterday I should fell myself exonerated from the duty of supporting her. She added: “Rest assured that I did not withdraw a single penny from the money you so hardly earn and that since our separation I did not spend more than reasonable to pay bills and current expenses. I have someone who can help me from today on and until you transfer the money. Don’t worry, you don’t know this person so I am saving you from the shame.”
My immediate reaction was to go to her place and apologize again.
I did not do it.
I will not be involved in any more drama.
I have apologized orally and in written.
Her anger is completely disproportionate.
My actions reveal that I have always trusted her: after the separation she kept all access to the bank accounts; I have been paying for the house she rented and moved into; I paid her Christmas trip to her parents; not even once I asked her about a single expense she had done; I left all the money in the bank.
Right now I only feel sad for my kids. I miss them. I am sorry I cannot provide them with a family.

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Just had a nice surprise.
This is STBXW's weekend with the kids.
However, they called me one hour ago because they wanted to come to my place (maybe Playstation has something to do with it).
STBXW brought them.
This is the first time something like this has happened and I have to praise STBXW for bringing the kids when she didn't have to.
Well, she brought the kids to the gate, which was open, so I didn't have to go down to open it.
STBXW didn'e even look at me. She left the kids and turned back.
I think she is now following the NC policy.

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Well, lots of things have happened in the meantime.
STBXW kept saying that, fortunately, she did not have to sell her body to get food for her table.
She said that someone else in her situation would have gone to our bank account, withdrawn half of it and hide it. I replied that someone in my situation would have cancelled all her card the day after she left home.
She added that from the moment I said I could spend the money I earn the way I want it had been proven that we were not equals.
We then decided that she should open a bank account on her name and that I would transfer enough money for her expenses for the next four months. She can do whatever she wants with that money.
I have done that and STBXW has given me the debit card for our joint account cut into small pieces.

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Two days ago STBXW and I had a joint session with my therapist.
Since her psychotic event in December 2014, STBXW has been having therapy through Skype with therapist who speak our mother tong.
Since we are living abroad, we now decided STBXW should have a support network also here.
The only specialist we found was my current therapist.
It is not the best solution, I would prefer to keep him all to myself.
But since it is ethical and doable, we took the decision.
The therapist scheduled a meeting to set boundaries and limits and to inform us how exactly he will be doing to parallel therapies. The purpose is not reconciliation and this is not couples therapy.
Where I want to get to is that STBXW said exactly this during the meeting. She also said that she was very clear as to what she wanted, which is, the divorce. She added she had been confused before the event, but after it she was firm in what she wanted.
It's a pity she forgot to mention the reconciliation which happened in June 2015. She has never explained to me why she then decided once more for the divorce all of the sudden.
I had intense feelings of hate all over again, watching her telling those things.
And today I still have these feelings with me. I hate her. Not because she destroyed our marriage - now I see I would not like to be with this person and that she would never satisfy my needs - but because she destroyed my family.
I feel such pain for not being able to provide my kids with a family.

[Zues126]

She has never explained to me why she then decided once more for the divorce all of the sudden...
...I hate her. Not because she destroyed our marriage - now I see I would not like to be with this person and that she would never satisfy my needs

Totally normal to feel both the confusion and the disgust. Just understand those are feelings and don't believe the conclusions you draw on them.

Because if you do you become a hypocrite. Why did she leave? She felt the way you feel, nothing positive, that she'd never be happy with you. The only difference is she believed these feelings were TRUTH and acted on them.

Feelings shouldn't be used to navigate through life. Feelings aren't a good reason to terminate a marriage or a family. And for you, feelings shouldn't be used to burn bridges with STBX. It's ok to feel them, listen to what they're telling you, and honor them...just don't act on them. Act on BELIEFS.

I always say "act with the character you wish she'd had. Lead by example. If you can't do it, how do you expect her to?"

[Zues126]

Well, lots of things have happened in the meantime.
STBXW kept saying that, fortunately, she did not have to sell her body to get food for her table.
She said that someone else in her situation would have gone to our bank account, withdrawn half of it and hide it. I replied that someone in my situation would have cancelled all her card the day after she left home.
She added that from the moment I said I could spend the money I earn the way I want it had been proven that we were not equals.
We then decided that she should open a bank account on her name and that I would transfer enough money for her expenses for the next four months. She can do whatever she wants with that money.
I have done that and STBXW has given me the debit card for our joint account cut into small pieces.

I just read this and the prior post.

Listen...quit apologizing!!! For crying out loud. WW is like a darn spoiled 4 year old throwing a fit, and you're following her around begging your little princess to be nice.

Or worse, you're wasting your breath trying to explain yourself or defend yourself.

ACTIONS speak louder than words. Want to show her change? Stop playing this stupid game. The game where you try to show her you're a good man. You WILL NOT WIN THIS GAME. So don't play.

You don't need her validation. Don't quibble with her. I know, it's fun to think of some snappy come backs. I would've used "The moment you unilaterally destroyed our family we weren't equals". But just because she's acting nasty, doesn't mean you have to get everyone on your side, her especially. That just becomes YOU acting nasty.

However distant she is being, be more distant. You say you're done with the drama. Good. Stop fixating on it and get back to YOUR life. What are your 180s? Your GAL activities? Your goals?

Whenever I read someone's sitch and it's 90% WAS and <10% DBing I know they need to turn the focus back to them. You've got this. Now make it happen.

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Zeus (not Zues) ,
I have some food for thought in your writings. I will sleep on them
I will just tell you what just happened.
STBXW called me saying that in a neighbouring country an opera for kids will stage next Sunday.
The kids are with STBXW this weekend.
The asked me for the car and added that they would not mind if I come along.
I am the classical music lover in this family. STBXW never cared and would only take kids because it's a different kind of cultural event.
So far, and since the separation, my policy has been of not taking part in events where the four of us would be together as a family.
STBXW has to understand what she did to the family and it's not good for the kids, it would only confuse them.
But I am tempted to accept, just to try something different.
I just don't understand why only two days after reaffirming the divorce intention she wants to do stuff together.

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I decided to accept STBXW's suggestion.
I booked one hotel and two rooms. I am staying in a single room.
The four of us went to the cinema and had a great time.
STBXW smilled and talked a lot.
In the evening we went to the restaurant for dinner.
S7 wanted to toast to a wonderful meal and so we did.
Then, and most awkwardly, STBXW asked me what was the camera I was thinking to buy her (remember the last mess started when STBXW asked for my camera).
I didn't answer, but she insisted and asked what was it good for and I told "for portraits". She asked how did I know she liked portraits. I explained her.
Both kids went to the toilet at the same time and we stayed all by ourselves. We just talked about the food.
Now I am typing this in the hotel room.
Why did I decide to do this?
I guess to try something different.
I don't have any expectations and do not hope for any miracle to happen this weekend.
I don't even feel attraction for her right now.
Tomorrow we are going to the opera with the kids.

[Ripe]

[quote]
Feelings shouldn't be used to navigate through life. Feelings aren't a good reason to terminate a marriage or a family. And for you, feelings shouldn't be used to burn bridges with STBX. It's ok to feel them, listen to what they're telling you, and honor them...just don't act on them. Act on BELIEFS.

And you are right, Zues.
Right now I am acting on my beliefs, not my feelings.
I believe in marriage and family and this is what I am standing for.

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Well,
The weekend went well.
We looked like and behaved like a normal family.
We went to the cinema together, to dinner together, to the opera together.
STBXW smiled at me, shared food with me over dinner, made me taste her desert, told a lot of stories about the kids.
We walked alongside each other on the street.
I kept some distance, smiled less and shared less than she did, but more, much more, than since the separation back in October.
There was no R talk.
Crossing a bridge, S7 noticed a locker there and said it was because the couple who had put it there never wanted to break. He then said mom and I had never put a locker on a bridge.
STBXW had to give some kind of explanation.
What did I feel?
I felt no attraction for this woman. I felt that if I would meet this person now I would never try to conquer her. I felt that it was nice to have the family acting as close as possible as a family, and that was it.
I realised that if things would change for the better, which they don't seem like, I would need to make a choice. The choice of loving STBXW again.