Ups and downs

[Zues126]

Thanks for tapping me on the shoulder on my thread. I know you're having a hard time and I wish it would hurry up and get easier for you.

I haven't been posting much anymore because I feel like a broken record that doesn't accomplish much. But I'll say it again:

Whether he is in an A or not, whether 'limbo' continues or a D is finalized...the next 12-24 months should look the same in terms of the life you live. It doesn't matter, so call off the PI and keep your eyes on you.


You should grieve, recover, take care of you and your family. Doing this isn't 'wasting time'. I'd say it's making pretty darn good use of it. What the heck would you do differently than this is your H was having an A? I don't understand. Would you go to the bar and jump into bed with some other guy in exchange for making him promise to hold you and talk you off the ledge for when you're crazy or lonely?

J, you can't cling to him and a dead marriage with cat claws, fly up and down an emotional roller coaster, and then think that the issue is limbo. He is not 'stringing you along', it is your issue, you choosing to not let go.

I'm not criticizing or judging you for this. I haven't walked a mile in your shoes, and it's clear there is tremendous pain moving around in your heart and head. But you do need to understand this because if you don't you'll start making life changing decisions based on emotional reactions to your sore spots.

I do know the 'uncertainty' is difficult...I always compared it to the difference between knowing your spouse died in a car crash, vs. having them become a 'missing person', where you never really know what happened, and you can cling to hope for weeks or months that they will turn up.

Your H is a missing person. It's been long enough. Go ahead and grieve, and put the marriage in the ground. Have a ceremony if you need to. Take the wedding ring off and put it in the ground. Take care of yourself. Move forward with the children. Whatever fears you have, work on yourself in IC, GAL, and rebuild.

If WAH comes around and wants to work on R in a year or two, take a look at who you have become, where you are, where he is, what he has become, and you'll know if it makes sense to discuss that possibility. But you can't possibly decide that now, because you're either clinging out of fear or pushing away to punish. Still too attached. Just keep walking J. Keep walking. Don't look back.