Everyone's sitch is different, for me it didn't matter if my WH was having As, it was just another nail in the coffin and the other behaviours were abusive enough one more was just one more. My WH hasn't had one long A but four or five tacky ones, although I think he has been with Maggotroni for three or four months now, he is going back and forward to Italy.
It's like WH has Malaria and a broken leg, the Malaria is enough to make him ill.
Waywards lie, you can believe nothing they say.
Your issue is around is my H a WH or a WAH. Is he wayward? Are there As or multiple As?
To me the A wasn't the deal breaker, the other stuff is enough.
So what is the bottom line?
Ignoring an A, how bad would H behaviour have to go before you detach?
Look I am not saying unattach, you can still stand for M. For a new M and that can be H.
Ignore what he says and of course take note of only have of that which he does.
I believe in Intel, I truly believe in knowing, when I filed I had to know so that if I wanted I could go for Adultery in my D. If your state is a fault state then it's important too.
My spider sense says there is an EA likely in another jurisdiction and it would be difficult to uncover. So the first thing I would want to do is keep a diary of H location. You would need access to his phone or computer to really know.
A local A is likely to be easier to uncover, a half decent PI can do this, and if it really matters to you then hire one. If this was the case then I suggest he may not consider moving away.
Do you know where he is looking to live? Does his current employer have offices there? Statistics show us the majority of As are work related and start with an EA. a PA may require the little blue pill which may not be good for his heart.
Alternatively there could be another compulsion or if he moves then any waywardness may be in his grasp. H may be delaying.
Why does his health make a difference to you seeking D? It shouldn't.
Living with in laws is often really stressful in an M. I think his analysis of too much is a good one.
If it were me then I would detach and include that there is a good possibility that H is wayward in his thoughts, in the planning stage of an A or will look for an A eventually.
So you find out that at the moment H isn't actively wayward although he is (let's say) on dating sites or emailing a co worker, would that make a difference?
Even my WH had breaks between scuzzies. But he was always seeking POWs. So an active A meant nothing at any point.
Julie H isn't stringing you along, sweetheart he is very clear he has sacked you as his W. You are stringing yourself along. He isn't treating you in any particular way, he has just said "no R" and that's his choice. You keep asking him won't help, he feels it's none of your business. He may be lying or not although he will feel ready to move on when he does.
Eventually it will unfold. Eventually even if he hasn't already he will move on its a question of time and he may feel that's ok. Your need to know isn't his need to tell. Another poster here stuck with attachment is APeace (Ghost) so wrapped up in whether his W is wayward or not that he is stuck cycling. Looping. Fearing being abandoned that his W having an A makes that certain. Ironically a spouse being wayward often makes it easier to stand, it adds gravitas and a focus. Walking away is harder to explain but R is more likely. But only if the LBS gets their stuff together. Di-Mond appears to be in this sitch, her H is a WAH whose compulsion is gaming., she has handled this beautifully and mastered her major problems and is becoming someone only a roll would leave.
Julie, you have a lot of work to do on you, a great deal in fact to be healing. You are not crazy, you are moving through the Kubler Ross grief curve. In fact you may have two going on together which are cycling to different length cycles, enhancing some phases.
Your first focus needs to be Julie and her children, the focus on whether H is wayward or not is getting in the way of you focusing on you, doing that which is right for you, irrespective of its affect on your R.
Quite often there is childhood trauma trapped in this, so I am going to ask is this a factor?
There is a reason you are trapped, it's serving a purpose for you. What is it doing for you?
Can you get to the bottom of it, I don't care about your H iwaywardness, it's you I am concerned about. If uncertainty is getting in the way of you healing and growing then why is that?
Hugs
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
