Did the obsessive worrying thoughts start after pregnancy or before? I know through your sitch I have read about the worry about the children and how you worried about something bad happening to them out of your care. I know you worry when the boys are with H. I know you had a traumatic health issue too after the birth of the boys (if I am remembering rightly the Big C- correct if I am wrong). And history of trauma/abuse in a previous relationship.
Undiagnosed anxiety - likely. PTSD - possible.
JujuB I recall you have had support from a DB coach. Therapist/counsellor?
This might a starting place of some freedom for you JujuB.
Yes. I do need a counselor. For some reason I always feel like I can get through things without one.
I always worried (about job and school performance, loss of loved one ) , but never as much as after childbirth. Definatly PTSD And post partum then. Was pregnant again with the C diagnosis and had pretty traumatic experience. Led to issues with husband that made him want marriage counseling and then he left.
My anxieties are now all about husband and what he is doing instead of health issues. They seem to evolve with each new crappy life event.
PTSD is a difficult diagnosis and a particular disorder.
I think it's more likely that it's a reactive state called an endogenous generalised anxiety.
Just because you are paranoid doesn't mean they aren't out to get you. These are real life events which have an impact on you and that is absolutely completely totally normal and natural. What you are experiencing Ju is to be expected.
In fact there would be something amiss if it wasn't like that and if there was no leakage then I would really be concerned.
I am going to recommend a book by Bessel The body keeps the score.
It's really good to know the effects of damage.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Thank you I am going to order that book. I was thinking that maybe I am writing myself off as crazy and it's really just a way for me to deny and blame myself.
It is 2:30 am and I woke up after maybe 2 hours of sleep. My heart is pounding and I am currently convinced that husband is involved in affair. It makes so much sense. The way he is acting, the way he has been setting things up. There is no other situation on this board in which a husband Left his wife without some type of affair. I am actually imagining myself asking his mother about it. She is a bad liar and I would be able to tell immediatly if she knew. I am imagining her crying. I am imagining myself going to a lawyer and setting things up to file.
I cannot ask him again. He continues to say no. He says That other woman right now would be too much stress for him to handle. That he wants nothing to do with other women. That he wants no emotional connection with other woman. When I asked him about physical, he said he he didn't even think he would be able to (he often was unable with me..even sometimes in beginning of relationship when he truly loved me) that physical is never just physical with women. He very recently had a pretty serious type of arrhythmia. So I know he is under stress and I cannot make any legal moves if he is currently undergoing heart issues,
When I talk to him, I believe him. When I don't talk to him or have communication with him I imagine the worst, or perhaps what is obvious to everyone but me.
I do not know what to believe. In my life, I want a husband and a family. I do not want to waste my time being stringed along and lied to. If he is having affair, I will move on. If he is having a mental crisis I would wait, But I do not know what to believe. I do not know if I can live not knowing the truth. I have no real way of knowing. I thought of PI in past, but it would be unaffordable, especially if husband was with someone in other state through work.
the way he is treating me is not ok. He is stringing me along and it is taking a toll on me. It is not ok to just walk away from your family. To disinvest financially and emotionally is not ok either. To stonewall is not ok. He has ended this allready, he is just not dotting his i's and crossing his t's. his words and actions do not say reconciliation. He was talking about finding a job in a more affordable area of the country, away from us but unsure if he wants to be away from kids. (Will justify it by saying I am asking for too much money though)
At one time, husband was stable, kind, loyal and devoted. He has always been honest. He cried during my labor because I was in pain. He cried when he found out babies gender. He was teary eyed during our marriage ceremony. We have been together for 14 years. Past 3 to 4,years (after kids were born and his father died and I became difficult because of kids) he slowly withdrew and detached completely when we moved in with my parents. His main complaint back then was that he was being pulled by me, his job, and his mother and couldn't handle it and had no time for himself. He now says he compromised everythign for me and that neither of us should have to compromise happiness.
Vanilla, you have been on these boards for a while. what would you do in my position?
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
Everyone's sitch is different, for me it didn't matter if my WH was having As, it was just another nail in the coffin and the other behaviours were abusive enough one more was just one more. My WH hasn't had one long A but four or five tacky ones, although I think he has been with Maggotroni for three or four months now, he is going back and forward to Italy.
It's like WH has Malaria and a broken leg, the Malaria is enough to make him ill.
Waywards lie, you can believe nothing they say.
Your issue is around is my H a WH or a WAH. Is he wayward? Are there As or multiple As?
To me the A wasn't the deal breaker, the other stuff is enough.
So what is the bottom line?
Ignoring an A, how bad would H behaviour have to go before you detach?
Look I am not saying unattach, you can still stand for M. For a new M and that can be H.
Ignore what he says and of course take note of only have of that which he does.
I believe in Intel, I truly believe in knowing, when I filed I had to know so that if I wanted I could go for Adultery in my D. If your state is a fault state then it's important too.
My spider sense says there is an EA likely in another jurisdiction and it would be difficult to uncover. So the first thing I would want to do is keep a diary of H location. You would need access to his phone or computer to really know.
A local A is likely to be easier to uncover, a half decent PI can do this, and if it really matters to you then hire one. If this was the case then I suggest he may not consider moving away.
Do you know where he is looking to live? Does his current employer have offices there? Statistics show us the majority of As are work related and start with an EA. a PA may require the little blue pill which may not be good for his heart.
Alternatively there could be another compulsion or if he moves then any waywardness may be in his grasp. H may be delaying.
Why does his health make a difference to you seeking D? It shouldn't.
Living with in laws is often really stressful in an M. I think his analysis of too much is a good one.
If it were me then I would detach and include that there is a good possibility that H is wayward in his thoughts, in the planning stage of an A or will look for an A eventually.
So you find out that at the moment H isn't actively wayward although he is (let's say) on dating sites or emailing a co worker, would that make a difference?
Even my WH had breaks between scuzzies. But he was always seeking POWs. So an active A meant nothing at any point.
Julie H isn't stringing you along, sweetheart he is very clear he has sacked you as his W. You are stringing yourself along. He isn't treating you in any particular way, he has just said "no R" and that's his choice. You keep asking him won't help, he feels it's none of your business. He may be lying or not although he will feel ready to move on when he does.
Eventually it will unfold. Eventually even if he hasn't already he will move on its a question of time and he may feel that's ok. Your need to know isn't his need to tell. Another poster here stuck with attachment is APeace (Ghost) so wrapped up in whether his W is wayward or not that he is stuck cycling. Looping. Fearing being abandoned that his W having an A makes that certain. Ironically a spouse being wayward often makes it easier to stand, it adds gravitas and a focus. Walking away is harder to explain but R is more likely. But only if the LBS gets their stuff together. Di-Mond appears to be in this sitch, her H is a WAH whose compulsion is gaming., she has handled this beautifully and mastered her major problems and is becoming someone only a roll would leave.
Julie, you have a lot of work to do on you, a great deal in fact to be healing. You are not crazy, you are moving through the Kubler Ross grief curve. In fact you may have two going on together which are cycling to different length cycles, enhancing some phases.
Your first focus needs to be Julie and her children, the focus on whether H is wayward or not is getting in the way of you focusing on you, doing that which is right for you, irrespective of its affect on your R.
Quite often there is childhood trauma trapped in this, so I am going to ask is this a factor?
There is a reason you are trapped, it's serving a purpose for you. What is it doing for you?
Can you get to the bottom of it, I don't care about your H iwaywardness, it's you I am concerned about. If uncertainty is getting in the way of you healing and growing then why is that?
Hugs
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
I am going to second what V and Jelly said. There is so much wisdom in their words.
I also believe in Intel. Although I made use of mine in really, no extremely, stupid ways. You must know why you need the intel. Will it help you legally? Will it give you a peace of mind? Although I now know in hindsight that the intel I sought never gave me peace of mind, because I was too all over the place to make use of it wisely.
So Julie, before you make use of intel, I really think you need to work with a counsellor or therapist on yourself first. Because you need to be calm and clear about what it is that you want, what your fears are, and how you really should use of the intel, and how it will really affect you.
Is there someone in your family or your friends that you can use as a sounding board? Someone who knows you and preferably H well, and can give you unbiased advice, i.e. more than one sides and possible solutions.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
Thanks for tapping me on the shoulder on my thread. I know you're having a hard time and I wish it would hurry up and get easier for you.
I haven't been posting much anymore because I feel like a broken record that doesn't accomplish much. But I'll say it again:
Whether he is in an A or not, whether 'limbo' continues or a D is finalized...the next 12-24 months should look the same in terms of the life you live. It doesn't matter, so call off the PI and keep your eyes on you.
You should grieve, recover, take care of you and your family. Doing this isn't 'wasting time'. I'd say it's making pretty darn good use of it. What the heck would you do differently than this is your H was having an A? I don't understand. Would you go to the bar and jump into bed with some other guy in exchange for making him promise to hold you and talk you off the ledge for when you're crazy or lonely?
J, you can't cling to him and a dead marriage with cat claws, fly up and down an emotional roller coaster, and then think that the issue is limbo. He is not 'stringing you along', it is your issue, you choosing to not let go.
I'm not criticizing or judging you for this. I haven't walked a mile in your shoes, and it's clear there is tremendous pain moving around in your heart and head. But you do need to understand this because if you don't you'll start making life changing decisions based on emotional reactions to your sore spots.
I do know the 'uncertainty' is difficult...I always compared it to the difference between knowing your spouse died in a car crash, vs. having them become a 'missing person', where you never really know what happened, and you can cling to hope for weeks or months that they will turn up.
Your H is a missing person. It's been long enough. Go ahead and grieve, and put the marriage in the ground. Have a ceremony if you need to. Take the wedding ring off and put it in the ground. Take care of yourself. Move forward with the children. Whatever fears you have, work on yourself in IC, GAL, and rebuild.
If WAH comes around and wants to work on R in a year or two, take a look at who you have become, where you are, where he is, what he has become, and you'll know if it makes sense to discuss that possibility. But you can't possibly decide that now, because you're either clinging out of fear or pushing away to punish. Still too attached. Just keep walking J. Keep walking. Don't look back.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
