Momma has dropped the rope, I repeat the rope has been dropped. Why? ...because I am happier.
It's been a few days, so much has been discussed but each and every day I realize how unfulfilled I have been in the M, and in turn in my life overall. I committed to D4 and the WAHs career for years - and I don't regret it. I can't make a person appreciate that enough to see value in me as a person...and that's how I know...I want more.
I've been really feeling good about myself, despite this situation. I KNOW how valuable I am as a woman, as a mother and as a wife. I know it takes a HELL of a WOMAN to be told that she's not loved after a year away from her spouse, while I managed to juggle D4s countless appointments, graduated from college, and planned and excepted a cross country move...all with the dark cloud of D over my head. I fkn nailed it. Now I'm here, ready and waiting to move and start my new life. MY new life....as an amazing woman outside of my M.
I was always looking for that gold star from him - that, wow...I am lucky. I don't know why, because it wasn't the M that made me the way I am. I made me the way I am....I am this person and I really like this person. I can't wait to find out more about myself...and have started discovering those things already.
For example, today at a restaurant - normally I order what I think I should have. Normally I don't order what I want because I don't want the H to judge me. For example, if I want something fatty. I know this is sounding so stupid...but hear me out. Normally I would do what I thought he thought I should do (wowowow). Today, I did not. I ordered what I wanted and I DGAF. It was so liberating!!!!!!!!!
Then, grocery shopping we picked up pizza. He got two kinds that he likes, and honestly I'm not a fan of it that much. So I told him, and then picked up a salad. OMG...again, I felt so free. Just for speaking up! When did I lose my voice? Why would I compromise such ridiculous things for 8 years to what...get him to like me?
And, I picked up ice cream with NO shame. Y'all should know I worked hard to lose 20 lbs. I did it for the wrong reasons. Now I'm back tracking, learning that balance means I shouldn't have to say no to ice cream...ever! Balance!
I'm just so excited right now about my new life. I'm about to take my dogs on a run at almost 10pm. I'm freaking proud of myself! No more excuses. Loving myself means taking care of my health more than I have. Self love, self care. Nobody else can do that for me.
Today I did all the chores, ran the wash and cooked dinner, bathed D4, got her down for bed and didn't feel ANY frustration. Usually it's "why doesn't he EVER help?" Or "why doesn't he see how hard I'm working and want to make things easier for me like I do for him"
No more of that.
At first I thought, am I faking it until I make it? Nope. Today I looked through the D paperwork and was like "you are ready."
I'm still attracted to him, physically which makes things a little difficult sometimes. I can't really imagine being with anyone else BUT I don't have to worry about that right now. I don't even know why I am. I miss touch, kissing, etc...but I don't know if I could feel "that way" for him again having felt the way I do for as long as I have, seeing that he would never do anything to change. It was only me who was willing to change and it was too late...
...and I think in a way, the universe had all of this planned to save MY life. I would have been stuck, in quicksand for years until he got a new job that meant he was home more, and even with him being home...that doesn't mean that his behavior would change to better meet my needs. All of this has helped calm the anger that I've felt...because timing couldn't be better for me to start my new like with D4.
The silver lining is beaming...
I'm starting to come up with a bucket list for my life. Things that I can and want to do/have now that I'll be single. Things like:
Buy myself a post D ring, someday...something to remind myself not to lose myself again. Get a new piercing - nose? Belly button? Both? I dunno. Run a marathon - more importantly, learn to love running Read 100 books in a year Start writing again Start singing again Go dancing Wear more dresses Get D4 a pet fish Bake again Cook what I want to eat, not what we both like
Sooooo many things to do with so much life ahead of me. Why did I stop doing these things? I don't know. Stress, discontentment, depression? I wasn't being myself. Embracing myself. I listen to rap music and love it, old school rap. Why did I stop? I love to dance. LOVE it. I LOVE to sing, I never ever sang for H. I stopped embracing myself.
I'm starting to again and I love it and moving forward, if someone doesn't like it...then walk away. As a matter of fact, if there's a part of me or my life that they don't agree with...I will walk away.
For the first time in my existence, I'm really starting to like me and appreciate me, and love me. Why I ever thought I should change for someone else is beyond me. I was young. I was naive and in love. Lesson learned.
