Still moving in a new direction

[mleigh4]

I laughed at your comment about giving H a STFU smoothie! Believe me, I sound like a sailor when I read his asinine comments. But I don't show it to him. I learned from the best

[mleigh4]

Hi KML. That is a good question to ask H, does he think I am a lazy hippie? I have worked for and earned everything I have. He WISHES he was as independent and strong as me. Daddy has his hands in everything he does.

I am sorry about your son. Depression surrounds me in the ones I love, I can't imagine seeing it in my son, and pray I don't. I hope the best for your son.

[mleigh4]

Hawho, unbelievable H is bashing me for my parenting, huh? It makes my head spin if I let it. H is just as much a coward as his mom, he hides behind a computer, she goes through my H instead of dealing directly with me.

It's very unattractive to me, which leads me to update....

[mleigh4]

Took S tonight to drop him off with H. I dreaded seeing him, I really did. S has a field trip tomorrow, to visit NASA! I figured H probably forgot, and it's up to him to make sure S is prepared. So I took paper lunch bags and a lunchable to pack for his lunch, which sure enough, H needed. What a loser mom I am, no?

I am enjoying my night, had a good day, and I wonder....H spew has rolled off me. Sure, it hurts, and I know it's not true, but I honestly can give a rat's a$$ what he thinks. So, is this detachment?......or done?....... the two are feeling very blurred to me.

I told him today, at one point, that I truly am sorry I share a child with him, that it has become a nightmare. I said he will not ruin my one and only chance at being a mother. I mean it all, 100%.

I had flashbacks today, of going on cruises with H and FIL. S went through a phase, from about 3 to 7, where he would insist on wearing pants and long sleeves in hot weather. Even in the balmy Caribbean. When I asked him why, he would say he liked feeling warm, and the sun hurt his skin. He never overheated, I would encourage him to change, and ask him, are you sure?? But I figured, no big deal. Anyway, on cruises, H and FIL would make the biggest deal out of it, to a point where they would have S change, crying as he did it. It infuriated me and would cause all this friction while on vacation. God, I don't miss those days.

I keep getting, reminder after reminder, how often I was pretty miserable with H. We are very different people and don't really seem to respect each other's ideas. I am just as guilty, it's not all him. It's days like today that I truly think he did me the biggest favor by leaving. There must be better than this!?

Thank you guys for your validation and support. You guys are my rock. Hope you have a good night.

[mleigh4]

Guess what!? My company benefits offer 3 free counseling sessions. I was referred to a local family therapist. I will let H know. I will have to see it to believe it, that he will actually set foot in a therapists office. But I have decided, either way, I am going, even if alone. I am looking forward to it and open to some guidance.

[BrightFuture]

Hey, mleigh, just catching up on your thread. It sounds like the B-day party was a big fun. I wonder if the “news” were delivered to your MIL and prompted a jealous response. You handled this very well. I like the idea of parenting classes or some counseling. I also like the idea of giving your S some responsibilities in the house. My son had a few when he was 9, including cleaning his bathroom, and a couple of others.

It sounds to me that you are also rewriting the history in a way, not? Not sure what to tell you about detachment vs. done. Having these thought myself. So confusing.

Can’t wait to hear about the counseling sessions.

[mleigh4]

Hi Bright. Thanks for posting. I am curious, what makes you think I am rewriting history? I do know that his recent behavior is giving me lots of flashbacks, of bad times. It could be, since my armor is back on, that I am focused on the bad times to protect myself. My walls are definitely back up.

I gave H the counseling info, and got crickets back. I will ask him tomorrow when I drop off S with him. If he is going to raise such a stink, that causes 3 days of bashing, he needs to either step up or shut up.

S had a blast on his field trip yesterday. I was sent a really cute pic of him by a mom chaperoning. I forwarded to H, crickets.

H TM last night asking to speak with S about the field trip, I told him of course he could.

I am remaining friendly, calm and upbeat with him. He is very clearly in a PA tantrum.

My friend that started working at his company this week says she has not seen him, and his name is not on the office roster. She figures he must be in the warehouse office......

My S actual birthday is tomorrow, what would normally be a Grammy day. He wants me to pick him up after school, we are going to go get frozen yogurt for us and my 3 co-workers to have a froyo party. I just want to spend some time with my guy on his birthday, before he goes with H since it is his night I am the one who went through 36 hours of labor, but I am sure it will put Grammy in a snit..... It's too bad we all can't enjoy a nice BDAY night with S. It's sad this has brought us all to this place.....

I feel, if H does not participate in parenting counseling for our son, he is never going to get help. If he hasn't by now, why would he? I am not just talking about the last few years, I am talking about the many years I have known him, where he has told me himself he struggles with depression...

I found myself today searching for mediation attorneys. I feel like, day by day, I continue to take the steps towards cutting out. I ask myself, like I have been urged to, what would change? Well, not much. But I just don't see myself with him anymore. I don't see or feel it. That's the thing, I WANT my life to change. I want to finish this one, properly, so I can begin a new one. He is not part of this life anymore, so why drag it out? Trust me, there is nothing there, he does not feel anything for me. I have seen when he does, he is empty and lifeless now. I don't see how that could change if he does not get help.....why hold onto that?

Some may say, I am just reacting to the spew. Maybe, but I think we get to a point, when it all seems so useless.

Eat, sleep, breath, love and laugh. I do everyday and feel good. Just working through the chit.

[BrightFuture]

Mleigh, I see some patterns when you are talking about the past and some of H’s behavior and how it affected you. Maybe I put it in a wrong way. It is not re-writing the history per se, but remembering the bad moments. I do this too, when I feel that I might be at the end of my rope and don’t have any more energy left to continue to see if H would snap out of his funk. Actually, this is what is happening to me today. Some posts reminded me of my feelings when thinking about the past events in my life, and I’ve been asking myself if I want the same life that I had before the BD. And the truth is, I don’t. I want a better life, better relationships, I don’t want to deal with some of H’s behaviors, bad moods, etc.

I understand why you feel that there is nothing left for you to stand for, that you think that your H doesn’t feel anything for you anymore. This might be just the temporary feelings. Just like you said, take one step at a time. You don’t know what the future holds. Regardless, you will be fine. You are doing wonderfully!

[mleigh4]

Ok got it. Yes, I do notice when I get hurt by him, I go back to bad times. Although there has been some progress with him, wanting to spend family time, it's just not enough...

You nailed it, I don't want to go back to my old marriage. After ALL of this, to go back to that? Not worth it. Without help, I don't see how it could be different, it would take changes in BOTH of us. The negativity, the doom and gloom.....yuck!

Thanks for making me think some things out

[bttrfly]

Hi M ... xoxoxo here is a special spew apron to help with the mess ...
I know for me, I def. go to a place of thinking of all the bad stuff, mostly when I've been so hurt that I can't stand any more in that moment. I have often wondered if I am starting to re-write history and try to stay ruthlessly honest about it, because I think it's a trap I could easily fall into.

i think the old marriage isn't something many of us want back, but I would still like to explore a new marriage with the same husband, don't know if that's possible. anyway, just my $.02

xoxoxoxoxo