Sorry I disappeared yesterday. I made myself go out and GAL and then the power went out at home. So no access to my DB forum unfortunately. (V - did lots of research on errors of thinking and was really astounded by them - I promise to respond today!)
I wanted to thank all of you for your overwhelming kindness and support yesterday. It was an awful day. Not sure why. But I'm feeling much more positive today.
After getting the call from the boys last night and rushing home to take care of them, the house, dog, etc, I realized that I've got this. Honestly, I handled it all - and I realized I've been handling it all on my own for 3-4 years now. Ever since the H started traveling, I've been in charge of pretty much everything but bringing home a check. And I do a pretty damn good job. Not perfect but I'm way stronger then I give myself credit for.
I've got this. I really do. Am I happy that my family and M has imploded? Absolutely not. And I'm not ready to give up hope but Zeus says you stand for your M at the same time as letting go. And I've realized that's really the only healthy way to do it. I'm going to continue DB'ing, focus on myself (and boys), try to move to acceptance and drop the hope little by little. Thornton and Tim are also right - having a day like yesterday, I've dropped another brick on the road to dropping the rope. Reading another post by Zeus: the H isn't stringing me along, I'm doing that to myself.
It's time to remember how much I have to be grateful for: all of you, my family, my friends, my finances, my health and my greatest gift: my kids. I'm sure I'll still have up and down days on the roller coaster but I know I'm very blessed. I really am.
"You either get bitter or get better. It's that simple. You either take what has been dealt to you and allow it to make you a better person, or you allow it to tear you down. The choice does not belong to fate, it belongs to you."
M 44 H 46 M 20yrs T 25 yrs S15 S12
ILYBINILWY 7/18/15 Move to MBR 9/8/15 Physical Separation 10/10/15 Suspect A 8/2015 Confirm A 12/27/15 D filed by H 2/2/16
You'e right, Broke, you do got this. You can do this and you will.
Gratitude is a big one, isn't it? I pray everynight before I go to bed and I never pray about bringing W back. I thank God for the things I do have - My family, my friends, my job, my car...
This roller coaster ride is full of high and lows. You made it through another low and are a little closer to detachment.
You're doing so good, Broke. You might not feel like it all the time, but as an outsider looking in, I can see your strength building.
That is some amazing insight broke. And I love the quote "...bitter or better." Let's not allow bitterness to creep in but instead do our best to keep a positive mental attitude and a thankful heart.
I'm so thankful for you and everyone here.
"Be messy and complicated and afraid and show up anyways."
Middle of the night here in the Midwest. Just spent a wonderful day with my family. Had a thought about my H. I was thinking just how pathetic I feel because my H didn't seem to find me worthy enough to be faithful to. Then, I realized that HE is the pathetic one and I feel sorry for him. We were so blessed with two beautiful boys and no major problems to speak of until he allowed himself "to fall for the OW". We had typical communication issues after being together 25 years, but truly nothing that I was concerned about.
Vanilla wrote something about our WAS's feeling empty and finding things to fill themselves up with. For me, that's relationships with other people - my H, my family, my boys, my friends, all of you. I truly believe my H is lost, searching for things to fill him up but looking in all the wrong places. He is empty and I'm glad that I'm not him. I'd hate to be him if he ever comes out of the "affair fog" and figures out what he's truly given up and lost.
M 44 H 46 M 20yrs T 25 yrs S15 S12
ILYBINILWY 7/18/15 Move to MBR 9/8/15 Physical Separation 10/10/15 Suspect A 8/2015 Confirm A 12/27/15 D filed by H 2/2/16
Yes you do question your self worth, but you just have to remember they loved you once, so you had qualitys they liked, sometimes we just loose sight over time about what they were, you just have to remember those qualitys and work on it to regain them.
H 50 W 46 T 31 M 24 EA 11.11.15 PA not sure. Dx3 Separated 5.12.15 (not legally)
Middle of the night here in the Midwest. Just spent a wonderful day with my family. Had a thought about my H. I was thinking just how pathetic I feel because my H didn't seem to find me worthy enough to be faithful to. Then, I realized that HE is the pathetic one and I feel sorry for him. We were so blessed with two beautiful boys and no major problems to speak of until he allowed himself "to fall for the OW". We had typical communication issues after being together 25 years, but truly nothing that I was concerned about.
Vanilla wrote something about our WAS's feeling empty and finding things to fill themselves up with. For me, that's relationships with other people - my H, my family, my boys, my friends, all of you. I truly believe my H is lost, searching for things to fill him up but looking in all the wrong places. He is empty and I'm glad that I'm not him. I'd hate to be him if he ever comes out of the "affair fog" and figures out what he's truly given up and lost.
Just let me add to my post about the difference between being alone and loneliness.
Those who are empty are lonely, they do not have an R with themselves. Buddahs, Hermits and Wisemen, those who meditate and are mindful are alone although never lonely because they commune with that which is. Nuns And Monks in strict religious environs are full of the higher power. Loneliness is the emptiness inside which is vacated by self. Nothingness of spirit and soul destruction.
Sending a child to the naughty step or a teenager to their room impacts greatly, it is why the head of a school leaves kids waiting until disciplining, why solitary confinement is so impacting on offenders, but not so on Nelson Mandela.
When an LBS reaches out to others, it from an alone state, to truly communicate and grow, to understand. It is not from loneliness, those here who heal and shift do so from communicating. They offer of themselves, I recollect a conversation with Jellyb when she said I have little to offer as my R did not repair, my answer is this journey is actually not really about repairing R directly, it is about becoming and creating an environment in which a new R can become.
I do not believe As and the fog that goes with them are true connection with another, in fact the OP is irrelevant, they could be an image, alcohol, gambling or other compulsion. It is a distraction a way of triggering feel good hormones. It can't last, maximum 2 years and then either wake up, a different OP or addiction.
Waywards, abusers and from what I can see and read MLCers don't do much of giving as to do so means feedback reflection and risks growth and that risks knowing. It can of course happen if there is a truth dart or reality bites, I have heard of it when they get arrested or have a DUI or find themselves bankrupt or catch an STD or find their OP is unfaithful. When reality bites. When they realise what they have lost and the consequences of their behaviours. Then there is a choice to leave the cheese less tunnel.
I always say that in the end it is the LBS that truly chooses their own path.
DB is for you and you do that which works for you. You build your life for you.
You are not alone when you do that, you are not empty and lonely.
My take
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
V - you have a wonderful way with words. I truly do feel like I've grown over the last 7/8 months. I've taken this time to reflect on who I am and what I wanted to focus on to improve myself. And, I do have empathy for my H. I think he's truly a mess right now, looking for happiness in the wrong places, not facing the consequences of what he's done by convincing himself our marriage couldn't be saved.
On Wednesday, S12 was crying and asking about the divorce. Then, on Thursday, S15 did the same. In the past, I would've run off to H and begged to reconcile because they are hurting so much. Instead, I listened, held them, and bought them some new stuff to put at their dad's to make his house feel more like home. It's a positive step for me to break the pattern of trying to beg/pursue for reconciliation.
So, today marks one month of DB'ing for me. Thought I'd reflect on what I've done well and what I've still got to work on.
Positives: no pursuing, begging or pleading about reconciliation for one month Had success validating during most recent conflict with H Had dinner with BIL without R talk Been doing well with GAL'ing Been detaching well (not contacting my H unless necessary and try to be businesslike) Been present with the kids (ie focused on them, not chores or other things)
Negatives: still working on: not letting my emotions get the best of me enforcing my boundaries to not fall into "friend zone" not to sweat the small stuff and get stressed out not let my "low" days get too low not to analyze everything and mind-read (makes me crazy)
Most importantly, I need to remind myself that DB'ing is about me and my growth. It's not a focus on reconciliation. It's a focus on being the best me I can be.
I hope everyone is having a good day today
M 44 H 46 M 20yrs T 25 yrs S15 S12
ILYBINILWY 7/18/15 Move to MBR 9/8/15 Physical Separation 10/10/15 Suspect A 8/2015 Confirm A 12/27/15 D filed by H 2/2/16
