Still moving in a new direction

[mleigh4]

Hi Bright. Thanks for posting. I am curious, what makes you think I am rewriting history? I do know that his recent behavior is giving me lots of flashbacks, of bad times. It could be, since my armor is back on, that I am focused on the bad times to protect myself. My walls are definitely back up.

I gave H the counseling info, and got crickets back. I will ask him tomorrow when I drop off S with him. If he is going to raise such a stink, that causes 3 days of bashing, he needs to either step up or shut up.

S had a blast on his field trip yesterday. I was sent a really cute pic of him by a mom chaperoning. I forwarded to H, crickets.

H TM last night asking to speak with S about the field trip, I told him of course he could.

I am remaining friendly, calm and upbeat with him. He is very clearly in a PA tantrum.

My friend that started working at his company this week says she has not seen him, and his name is not on the office roster. She figures he must be in the warehouse office......

My S actual birthday is tomorrow, what would normally be a Grammy day. He wants me to pick him up after school, we are going to go get frozen yogurt for us and my 3 co-workers to have a froyo party. I just want to spend some time with my guy on his birthday, before he goes with H since it is his night I am the one who went through 36 hours of labor, but I am sure it will put Grammy in a snit..... It's too bad we all can't enjoy a nice BDAY night with S. It's sad this has brought us all to this place.....

I feel, if H does not participate in parenting counseling for our son, he is never going to get help. If he hasn't by now, why would he? I am not just talking about the last few years, I am talking about the many years I have known him, where he has told me himself he struggles with depression...

I found myself today searching for mediation attorneys. I feel like, day by day, I continue to take the steps towards cutting out. I ask myself, like I have been urged to, what would change? Well, not much. But I just don't see myself with him anymore. I don't see or feel it. That's the thing, I WANT my life to change. I want to finish this one, properly, so I can begin a new one. He is not part of this life anymore, so why drag it out? Trust me, there is nothing there, he does not feel anything for me. I have seen when he does, he is empty and lifeless now. I don't see how that could change if he does not get help.....why hold onto that?

Some may say, I am just reacting to the spew. Maybe, but I think we get to a point, when it all seems so useless.

Eat, sleep, breath, love and laugh. I do everyday and feel good. Just working through the chit.