Where will we go from here

[TimR]

Ojap, thanks you hit the nail on the head. Was the baby mine or not?? I kills me further to think that it was not mine and I was the fool who did not recognize prior As.

My WW accused me of being distant. I would ask how I could not be, my first true love I caught cheating, within months my father caught my mother, when I finally open up and find the one person I absolutely trust she has an abortion and then an A. How can I not have a wall around my heart. This stuff doesn't just leave you it forms who you are... and well before I had major trust issues, IDK that I will ever be able to trust again.

All I can say is each time WW gives me venom she is helping me erase the good memories and getting me closer to the point I do no longer care or the emotion I have left for her is only resentment.

Needless to say with all the S13 threats this week and then the text today like she didn't just humiliate me yesterday, right now I only have anger for her. I am going to swallow it right now and let it out in the gym or at practice but that anger can strangle any love left in me.

[Ojap]

Good choice to process it through physical activities...for sure.

Honestly...until/unless there is some remorse or she 'comes around'...you won't be able to move past those issues. So for now...I would say do your best to process those feelings through the DB process. Detach. GAL. I know its easier written than acted out...but they seem to be helping me, on the whole.

Sorry you're in such an angry place. I would be too, man. There's nothing abnormal about it. Just keep processing in healthiest way possible. Keep asking in each particular situation, 'What is the wise thing to do?' 'What is going to get me to the most desirable outcome?'

[1313]

Tim,
that's a lot more involved than I ever imagined. I have no idea what I would do in a similar situation. You did your best. You're only human.

Unfortunately, your W has a lot of things to work through - there's an awful lot in her past and her behavior that sounds like recurring patterns. Unfortunately your MIL sounds like an enabler.

BTW, I wouldn't worry about S16 being poisoned - he'll resent you no matter what. He's just at that perfect age as was I. He's angry too, and has a lot to be angry about.

Well, everything you've been posting makes a lot more sense now. Unfortunately, you've got to put that oxygen mask on yourself first. Then you've got to decide who's next. I wouldn't want to be making that decision, but I know you'll make the right choice.

Go push yourself, exercise and detach - it's all you've got right now. And see if you can get some sleep - sometimes the subconscious can find solutions you never could.

[TimR]

Well here is where I am tonight. I picked up S13 and we went up to practice. I forget whether it was broke, hope or sparks that suggested I try and discuss with about the custody decision and do it subtly. Well I did not need too. He got in the car tonight and we were not even a mile away from his house when we had this conversation.

S: "when are you going to do custody of me?"

" I don't know buddy, why what is going on"

S: "my mom asked me if I about going to play for another club once a week."

"Oh yeah what did you say."

S: "I told her no. she said then maybe I just wont play so much."

"She really said that?"

S: "Yeah she got real mad at me and said she is my mom and you treat her bad and I should choose her side because she is my mom"

"I am sorry she said that to you. She should not be saying those things."

S: "So when are you going to do custody of me???"

"Well buddy I wanted to talk to you about that. I want your ok before I do, but I want to tell you all the possibilities of what could happen..." I explained what all could happen from me not getting any custody at all and never seeing him again to me getting week on week off with an order from the court not allowing her to interrupt his sports. I also explained about the possibility of maybe having to visit with his biological dad. He had a lot of questions about that like but what if I do not want to and what if his dad doesn't want to see him. Would he have to.

So I we got there but I was concerned that he still had more to tell me because we were arriving at practice. I decided to skip my workout and drive him home. As I suspected he did have more to say.

It started with her telling him he needs to stay away from me and she was going to start making it so I do not see him because I am a bad guy. Then he told me that she was talking about his dad and that his dad was so much better than me. I did say that she was saying those things to make him mad at me so he doesn't like me no more. He said I did not have to worry about that because he loves me. We talked more about custody and I while I did not say anything bad about her, (and I did say I don't want to say anything bad about you mom cause I do think she is a wonderful mom), I explained that he will have to testify and if he says he wants to be with me she will probably be mean to him for saying he wants to live with me. I know I shouldn't have said that but the kid needs to know the truth of the consequences. He said he would tell anyone he wants to live with me and he should be the one who gets to choose.

Well anyway we are just about to his house and he says this:

S: "If I tell you something, you have to promise me you will never, ever, ever tell mom I told you."

"I promise"

S: "Mom has had trailer park boy to the house a lot. She told me if I ever told you and she found out, I would never see you again."

"I figured she did, she thinks I am stupid but I am not."

So looks like I will have to file. I told him I would probably file next Thursday. And I would let him know before I do it.

Again I just cannot have a single good day... Not a single one. I honestly can say any feeling other than loathing I have for her is quickly drying up. How are you supposed to continue loving someone when you do not even respect them anymore. And how can you respect someone who would hurt their own child and lie to them just to hurt someone else. For the love of God this is her own son and she is willing to hurt him to get at me for no reason whatsoever. ARGH!!!

[Thornton]

She sounds very unhealthy, Tim. She has a lot of issues.

Does she drink or do drugs?

[TimR]

She was never a drinker and as far as I know never did drugs. Who knows now?!?

I know when I file sh!t is going to hit the fan. Guess all my DB activities have been for naught, but I have to think of him first!

[JujuB]

Hi Timr


I really think that you should see a social worker that specializes in family counseling... Even if you are the only one that goes. I think they will have good advise on appropriate ways to discuss this whole situation with the children.

Sounds like those boys have been through a lot. I know you want to do the right thing by them, but I believe it is usually recommended that parents discuss what is going to happen together or with professionals around if the situation is volatile.

It will not be in The children's best interest for them to feel they are choosing or confiding in one parent over the other. I know you want to be honest, but there must be a different way to approach it. Professionals will be able to help.

I think this is the most important thing to figure out right now.

[TimR]

In our state there is nothing like that. We file and then the first step is mediation through a master (nonelected judge).

My lawyer suggested speaking with her and threatening that if we do not work it out before court then she might not just be sharing time with me but biological dad. This suggestion would not go over well from me but it may be worth a shot through an attorney WW knows is really good.

If that does not work, filing is the only way I have to proceed.

[Sparkls]

We (Pa) don't have it as part of the divorce process but they exist. Your L may know how to get them involved. But I agree. I think having another third party involved to sit down with everyone may be a good idea. It may not help but if a neutral third party tells your wife she's being a d*ck, it may go a long way to at least putting a damper on her hate speech.
It may do nothing but I think it's worth looking into.

[JujuB]

TimR

what about just talking to a social worker independently then to discuss healthiest ways for children to go though this type of tragedy? There is a lot to process, and sometimes when we are forced to deal with the emotions and stress of all this, it can be difficult to look at it as a whole.

This way you have better idea of what they are going through and what their needs will be at this time. I think it is great that you are not saying anything negative about their mother.

I wish we could get some vets on here.