I would tell any H to not permit a child to start sleeping between him and his W. It builds a wall between H and W, and it develops into a terrible habit for the child. Even if the child slept on the other side of the W, it would not be a good situation for the MR. I feel that many women do it intentionally to keep the man from initiating sex. She has a built-in excuse of the child always being in the bed and she might wake up.
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Sadly, we made no efforts to talk about our problems before I found out about OM. We had no previous affairs in our relationship that I know of. I searched her phone and found the texts because I noticed that she was on her phone more than usual. I'm not proud of snooping, but I couldn't help myself. That same night I approached her about just wanting her to be happy. I'm sure I caught her off guard. I had no plan and was acting calmly, but impulsively, if that makes sense. She said that she didn't want our daughter to come from a broken home, but that she couldn't live like this anymore. She also said she wasn't sure if she could financially handle living in our house by herself. Than she left to go be with our daughter.
You need to decide how you will respond if she wants to continue living under the same roof, but not giving up her OM. Would this be a deal breaker for you?
Hi Sandi, I think I misunderstood the question originally. The answer is yes. If we continue to live under the same roof, and she doesn't give up OM, that would be a deal breaker for me.
I'm in the process of downsizing from the home, so that I can move out fairly quickly if necessary. I feel like I'm prepared to end the M, but there's still some doubt in my mind. There's decisions that hinge on the status of getting a D, like if we're going to continue to send my daughter to private school. The decision deadline is in 2 weeks, and she told me yesterday that she hasn't decided yet. Does that mean she's still undecided on D?
I had a great first DB coaching session with Chuck today. Made me see that I need to stand up and clearly state what I want. Also made me see how I can adjust some of my 180 actions.
I can't take it anymore! The WS has started drinking earlier than usual and is just so nasty this evening. I offered to go get dinner tonight just because she's been making or getting us dinner on most nights. When I asked her what she wants, I got a "whatever! I don't care!" And the tone just had so much contempt and hatred in her voice for me. I know that I can not control the actions of others, but it's so hard to be on the verge of a nasty argument in front of our daughter.
It really is terrible when they get nasty and angry. My WW is filled with anger for me. I have no idea why or what built it but it is really there, a lot. I get accused of things I cant even fathom having done. Please do better than I have in biting your tongue. Vent here instead of at her. Also create boundaries and stick to them. If you WW is anything like mine you can expect rebellion to any boundary you set and it will get worse before it gets better. I wish you the best of luck and I will pray for you.
Me 41 W 33 M 2013 Suspect A 11/15 Confirm A 1/16 She moved out 2/14/16 Stepson 13 Stepson 16
I'm starting to think that the faster we get D, the sooner my daughter can begin adjusting to her parents being split. At least she wouldn't have to live in a tension filled home. My concern is that the WS is taking her with her to see the OM, and making her keep secrets from me. If so, that's a big burden to place on a child, but I know it's possible because my WS went through that herself as a child. Though her folks made their way back together. I guess that's what gives me some hope, that WS is going through what her mother did, and then she'll come back around.
I'm also concerned that my WS will continue to drink after I move out, and how safe that would be for my daughter. At least I can protect her physically while I'm here.
Your post is being looked after by some great vets. If your W is a WW then Sandi is your best hope at undersanding.
I think in your MR you have spent too much time worried about what your said, did or thought. You were trying to make a never neverland for her. It was all about making her happy and giving her a good life or a good married life.
I did something similar at the beginning and found out later that instead of improving I was damaging.
What I did without realizing it until some time later when she exploded was blow apart her sense of security. I put the pressure on her and by hiding financial issues worsened the situation.
Many times what worries us is not what we do know but what we think we dont know. If I hid things and informed her. Hoe does she know I am not telling her the whole truth?.
IMHO therefore hiding things is never good. Dont tell her everything but dont everything. There is a fine line only you know. They can sense these things.
Another point is the bedroom, in your case it is messed up if you each moved to a bedroom from the start. There is no MBR so it is hard to conquer back that which never existed. You going to her room will be damaging.
As for the drinking I do not know what you are waiting for. I would have called her out the first time when she was drunk and with D. Emptied all bottles, packed a suitcase with her things and put her and it on the doorstep. Something.
I too do not understand why you make an issue of the drink but not OM. I can only imagine she is drinking to find the strength or ease the pain. She is not as strong as you think and the lower she goes the lower she pushes you. I think your last post about calling it a day because she answered badly is more a retaliatory action but I do not see you ready to walk out the door with all that will fall on you. I do not see you detached.
I once said that shouting at someone gives them temporarily strength. A bit like lighting a fire for a barbecue. If you blow air it lights ups quickly and fiercely but if you stop it does down as quickly. Do it too often and on one of these it will catch on and then burn by itself without help. You are at that stage I think. Gaining strength from her actions but not yet ready to burn alone.
You need to make a stand. Call her out on the OM, why are you hiding it from her? The OM is not the issue. Your M problems are but until he is out of the picture you cannot do any rebuilding. I think that letting the WS know about the OM is like starting the clock.
A whole new ball game.
Address the OM and drinking issue with no concessions, no negotiations. Do not back down. She will fight with tooth and nails but every mark she leaves on you without you backing down is a mrk in your favour. Every drop of blood she draws from you is a drop of respect you are gaining.
Then you may have a chance.
Finally, during all this time until she clears her head, detach and GAL but not as a house maid or dad, as a person, a man.
Find out about yourself, who you are, what you want and where you can make yourself a better perosn for your W 2.0 or someone else.
WW not speaking to me. I saw divorce forms that were not applicable to our sitch in the trash, so she's probably got the other forms. Looks like she's going to file.
When I saw them last night, I felt some relief, cause maybe it meant eventually there would be some calm in my life. This morning I'm just empty and struggling to get to work...
