Just journaling a bit … been doing a good deal of reflection.
So in full disclosure I am going through some cycling. Why … why the past year? What purpose/lessons were learned what was that all about? This time last year I had accepted D, not what I wanted but I felt W may very well need that to move on and process through her journey, I loved her enough to let her go … and did. Then 24MAR15 she tells me she is messed up, wants to work on M, I made the mistake of treating her like she was coming out .. looking at it was either she emerged and went back in (guilt/to much damage?) .. or one helluva touch and go that felt like nothing I have witnessed in the 2 ½ years of dealing with this … so the question, what did I learn?
I learned I can look at myself and know .. truly know I did and have done all I can humanly do, to save this M.
I also realized, that my gut was right, I needed a reset like this, my boundaries were not all in place and some were down right soft, I was not happy nor getting anything from the M.
I am happy with the fact that only 10 days after discovering the text/pics I moved out, MY terms .. I left her. Of course she monstered and said she wanted a D all along .. how dare I look through her things .. blah blah blah, but it was ME who left HER, her actions carried this consequence and I held my promise … any OM contact I was gone and I am. Its nuts .. just 3 days prior we had it out a bit, I thought there were some issues actually getting addressed .. little did ?I know OM was back in the picture, but she wanted me to stay till May, even was in tears saying she could not stop me from leaving her if that’s what I wanted to do .. not wanting me to leave .. blah blah blah … she was lost then and I suspect she is still lost and I have no doubt she will bottom out one day but I just can not allow myself to be near ground zero any longer.
I am not sure what to do at this point, a good friend I have had in all this .. he does not get it completely but never judges, he brought up today he worries 10 years from no I would still be holding on to that thread of hope …. I told him for the past 2 ½ years I was, I felt that’s what God had wanted me to do … but now, I have dropped the rope, because in my heart that’s what I am to do. Do I want a D .. of course not, but I cannot control that no more than I can control the M … its in His hands. At this point I have a long road of healing ahead of me regardless what she does or does’nt do. The things she has done and said to me over the past 3-4 years I am admittedly jacked up, talking IC jacked up .. I am not ready to attend IC just yet but the more I reflect the more I realize I will have to deal with this damage I have been served. Once I heal .. well then I will take it from there, but any relationship .. is not on the table for me at the moment.
I am not sure what will happen, part of me sure still wants to stand … eventhough this person wearing my w’s skin is a demon, part of me mourns my w’s death, part of me has cast her aside and has said good riddance … then another part is sad and confused asking why this, why again and it hurts. Then I cycle back through them all all over again.
W is back to blaming me for it all, I am not motivated, failed to satisfy her, tossed the degree in my face once again … all my fault and I sealed my fate … I did reply to this one as I have ignored 90% of her texts the past 2 weeks. I told her my fate was sealed when she lied/betrayed and cheated AGAIN, her affair in fact sealed my fate, but I thanked her for showing me who she really is” and ended the convo by telling her I would have S call at 8. She spewed for a few more messages but I did not reply
W showed up to the new place Monday, Monster/Psycho demanding her key to the Condo which I had already told her I was not giving up till all my items were out, not going to have to align schedules to gather my things, I reassured her that once I had my things I would gladly give her the key as I want nothing to do with that place. She then told me I needed to pay rent/prorated till I returned the key, I actually laughed and said “good luck with that” … she then demanded to see S to ensure he was safe … really? I threatened to call the cops if she made a scene, I had S meet her at the door .. poor kid in the middle of Crazyville. She is looking rough again, lost, tired, stressed. Fortunately this time around when I have S, I am taking him to school, and do not have to have any contact with her, which I haven’t .. its been NC text/phone/in person since Monday. She is all happy and upbeat on the phone with S (She is on speaker as my earpiece on my phone is toast ) but I did hear her cry a bit saying she missed him.
I can not say where this ends, who can … no one knows. I do feel myself softening a bit, not that I would take her back right now .. but I have begun praying God helps her again, He is really the only one who can save her at this point, I see her in trouble and just hope she doesn’t do anything more stupid that she will regret/have to deal with later.
