Wow I'm surprised by STBXH. I sent him the text about coming to see the kids and put them to bed. He read it straight away, then replied 20 minutes later with a please (a first since our separation), then told me his plan for summer holidays ( a first again as I was always along him about holidays and when we should go!), and he even asked if I minded if he took kids away before end of school year. Now you need a little about me, I'm a teacher and I'd never do such a thing, and STBXH knows that I'm very strict on things like that. Last year he never asked to take kids away earlier. Now that's why I'm surprised as since our separation he has always done what he wanted and let me do what I wanted, so why asking me know if I mind my kids missing school!
I replied saying that he should see what suits him best for his holidays plans and I thanked him for letting me know so early about his plans! Then I found out that he read the message straight away. It could be a coincidence that he was on his phone but when I'm on my phone and don't want to read his message I don't click on it to read it! We both have the same phone and usually he reads messages between 2/4 hours later. I know you are going to tell me that usually he is busy, he always had his phone with him!
Am I reading into it too much? I know he is still with OW, so as we are Sunday and he is spending the day with her, why answer so quickly?
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
After turning round like a headless chicken I have started to read quotes about feeing good. Just google them and never realised that there were so many! Well it did me a world of good as I was happy the whole day.
Started to dread STBXH visit. It didn't go as bad as I thought. He was very cold to start with and won't look me in the eyes. He asked me if he could borrow some pots plants. I told him they were his as well so he could do what he wanted. He started to tell me what his plan were with pots. I listened and ask questions when appropriate, then said he wanted to discuss furniture, I said that we could do it when kids are in bed as I had a lot to do and I also wanted him to spend quality time with their dad. This conversation never happens! I also didn't gave any expectation so I was fine.
I did all I wanted to do and instead of staying in my room, I went to sit down with kids and him! Eldest said family time, I did to challenge her nor did he. He quickly read them a short story and left very quickly.
Regarding his quality time, they watched TV and he was asleep! I told him a joke about me forgetting to give youngest her money for her tooth! He smiled.
I looked at him and I didn't like what I saw. He looked dreadful! Not shaved, put weight on on his face, very tired and hardly looked at me. Whereas I felt pretty in my jeans and top!
The good thing is that I didn't feel sad nor happy, just fine! Weird but nice to get off this roller-coaster!
Wasn't to keen to see WAH and God heard me. I put on of my favourite song on and danced like crazy. Straight after I got a phone call that STBXH couldn't come. I validate that he couldn't make it, then he decided to move on talking about house sale, still validated. Told him I got a phone call for him and forwarded his mobile. Sent him a cheeky text ( about him being broken down).
Can't explain why but I was happy. I could have not forwarded the call I had for him, then felt ok doing it. I'm grateful that he rang on mobile, then texted and finally rang on landline to tell me he couldn't make it. He also asked to speak to the kids to explain why he couldn't come. A 180 for him.
I'm also exited as I'm starting singing lessons next week. Never done that before. Not something I'd want to do but I thought it could help me with being shy!
Ok Rouky when you are ready I will play guitar and you can sing! What would you sing? I get busy practicing them. The Interpretive Naturalist at work asked me to play guitar for one of her programs. I am pretty shy about playing but I am excited at the same time. Good to hear that you are happy some of the time. It will come for both of us; we just have to keep forging ahead. God Bless you Rouky!
M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
Hi Rouky, just read your exchange with Huddy about legal separation. I'm also from the UK and TBH, this was my preferred avenue. Our sequence of events was H approached me about selling our marital home (we also have a flat in the city that he is using and I am renting a flat ATM.) My L advised me only to agree to a sale as part of full financial settlement. I suggested to H we legally separate and resolve all financials as part of this. H said he only wanted to resolve financials as part of D. I said D isn't what I want and he filed for D.
Somewhere in amongst this, my L suggested I change my will, which I did. However, most of my assets are tied up in our marital home and the basis on which we own that would have meant the house went fully to him anyway. But changing my will did mean that my pension/death grant would go to others. I didn't find UK law that helpful with separation. It can be done as long as both parties agree that is what they want. A separation agreement can be reached. However, from what I understood it isn't legally binding - tho the courts do place 'significant weight' on the contents - and would likely only change provisions if something big happened which changed 'needs' after that. I asked my L what sort of change (redundancy?) no - she said. Think more car accident and disabled as a result.
Hope this helps a little. I would certainly encourage you to take due steps to protect your interests. Allow yourself some time and benefit from a few free half hour consultations. Also, if you can get a recommendation, that is helpful. The L I chose was recommended and I have spoken to someone else who told me she was recommended to him too. I have been happy with her input.
Good luck & take care xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
As a guy, I wouldn't be offended if you went for an order if that is what you feel is required to protect yourself. Obviously, you are the injured party here, so it is slightly different to me as your STBXH hasn't suggested it.
If you have genuine concerns that your assets may be used by OW and others to enhance their lifestyle, against your wishes, then I would think the best thing to do would be to go and get an order. You can always tell your pension provider that you wish your assets to be distributed differently, in the event of your death or disablement, but if you were to D, your pension would be taken in to consideration at that time. It stinks, but that's the way it is (the greatest advertisement to not getting married is the 50/50 split).
As Sotto says, see a L. Mine was particularly unhelpful, but did provide me wit a few nuggets. As for affecting an R, don't go there right now.
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Thank you very much Huddy and Sotto for your reply. It's all new for me as I'm unfamiliar with all the technical terms (it's going to be one of my 180: being more aware of legal terms !). Funny that you mentioned a will Sotto as my colleagues asked today if I had one. I said no and both urged me to do one. Duly noted.
Went to see my big boss to ask for some time off work to see L, he gave it to my with pay and said that he has noticed I was looking better. That was very kind of him to say that. We carried on talking a bit about my situation and he also told me to do a will. I thanked him for all the support him and my team have been giving me since last year. I felt good saying it!
Later on I got approach by my boss, who asked me if I would consider mentoring a new colleague if the opportunity would arise. I said yes! Again it felt good to be appreciated.
On STBXH front I was dreading to meet him as it was parents' evening. I looked good and wasn't expecting him to be there. He didn't came last time despite saying that he will to the kids. He was there even before me! We just stayed cordial hi, how you are. Then he told me that he was unwell and took the day off! I never saw him took a day off in the 11 years we were together. It was so funny as he moved his chair far away from me when we were talking with the teachers and between the appointments he moved room!
Never mind. The best part is for the end. When we were finished, I thought he'd go but he didn't. He waited for the kids to be ready to go. Then he said that he'd see the kids tomorrow, to which I said that I thought he'd take them for tea because that was what he told me last night. He replied that he was unwell blady bla bla. So I validated and said that was fine.
Then he said to the kids that I'll take them for a chippy! I went I'll see what I have at home. We got to the car park and we said bye, then he asked me if I had the car to which I said no. So he offered to take us back home, then added that he'd take me to the chippy. He drove me there, while driving he told me that his housemate blamed him for not sleeping well because of his cough! I validated then was laughing internally as I know he lives with OW! Then he went on to tell me about his plan for the weekend!
All the time I listened, validated. Now the thing for me was I was genuine in my validation I didn't have any preconceived ideas that doing I'd get him back. I wasn't expecting a lift, nor was I to be told about his whereabouts for the weekend.
At first when I saw him I was smiling but I could feel that it wasn't natural, by the time we got dropped with the kids, I was relaxed and was concerned for him as a friend not as his wife.
As far as I'm concerned he is with someone else, so I might as well behave like a friendly neighbour.
That's great news that you were able to interact as neighbors with no feelings or expectations to get him back. I can't wait to get there. Truly detaching - such a freeing place to be I'm sure. So glad things went well. Keep it up!
M 44 H 46 M 20yrs T 25 yrs S15 S12
ILYBINILWY 7/18/15 Move to MBR 9/8/15 Physical Separation 10/10/15 Suspect A 8/2015 Confirm A 12/27/15 D filed by H 2/2/16
