I would love some points on my attempt at validation - and next step needing to out boundaries in place.
For 2 years after BD, XH simply had little contact with our boys and I. Hoped in a car and drove to another city where he has lived with OW since. He has continued to buy the boys expensive label and sports gear, just has not seen them or made contact with them regularly or as per the parenting plan we had developed.
Recently, XH has been making contact with our boys and I have supported them spending time together - although they (and I) would prefer it was time with just XH, he insists on OW being present, and 'bribes' the boys with fun activities that they want to do.
Through this recent contact XH had advised he would take the boys to several upcoming sporting events in his city and another one distant to where the boys and i live.
Just last night XH emailed to advise that he could not take the boys as he had previously advised. I immediately felt cross and sad and questioned my level of detachment!
I sent a rather hasty reply effectively saying shame, your choice, and questioning how hard he had tried to ensure the arrangements would work - oops! But i was cross!
XH replied by email immediately justifying his actions and advising would love nothing more than to be at these events with our boys.
I had finally wised up and sent no reply - tried all night to get onto this forum for help - my dillema was should i just validate - eg 'that sounds frustrating.'
or should i validate AND set boundary. eg ' that sounds frustrating. In future we need to stick to parenting plan if etc...'
Without the benefit of the DB forum, i thought and thought then slept remarkably well - no anger/rage or overwhelming sadness This morning I decided that this was the chance to simply validate. That in itself is a 180 - no 'but', no 'in the future'. Just validation.
I do hope to set contact boundaries with him now that he is in contact - and mucking with our lives to be fair - but decided in the long run, this was not the moment.
The boys are now registered for these events and looking forward to them. My usual response would be to bend over backwards to make sure they can get to and compete at these things.
While i have felt as if i am running on empty after the busy-ness of the last few years, I still want to make things work out for the boys and to make alternate arrangements for them. My plan is to let them know that XH advises he can no longer take them, and to discuss options with the boys themselves. Then to advise XH of how we have arranged to manage the events while advising him of a boundary around contact so that the boys and i do not continue to be let down/mucked around at the last moment.
Please let me know thoughts/feedback suggestions/boundaries that have worked for you
