Feeling he's in MLC, but in D process

[ciluzen]

So, just a journal thing.

My birthday was yesterday (pisces...confused and swimming two different directions at once.)

Got a bday text from H, "Rise, shine and have a Happy Birthday!". I texted back "thank you, you have a nice day yourself".
Got a text 5 minutes later from his ladyfriend wishing me a happy birthday. Still not quite sure what to think of those two. Guess I just shouldn't.

I decided last month to throw myself a bday party. I've never had one since I've been married (went out to dinner as a family), so I decided new me wanted to feel loved by friends and daughters. D25 heard this and decided she would be in charge. She just wanted names of invitees; the rest would be a surprise.

Hmmmm. Much thought went into this.

Of course I'd invite my new close friends. I had to open up to people at work and at meetups to form a quick support group when I realized how alone I was when H left. He was not only my best friend, but my link to my "social group" made up of ladyfriend, her friends, and people in his office (some in our lives for almost 20 years).

I also invited ladies from the office. Three of them have been very supportive of me in a quiet way (made sure I didn't spend holidays alone, asked after me).

I also invited "social group". None of them have asked after me or spoken to me unless I've contacted them, but I felt the need to invite them.

Party was great! Lots of fun. D25 and D23 worked hard to make it nice for me. The only no shows? Social group and ladyfriend. Ladyfriend did send a text saying she couldn't make it and sent a token gift (bud vase)with office ladies.Guilt? But the others proved that they are not worth my time (no RSVPs).

So, thoughts? I came away realizing social group and ladyfriend were never close...could not get past small talk, gossip (which I hate), and surface cordiality no matter how hard I tried. I could never understand why I wasn't experiencing with them what I experienced with my friends I've kept from college. There was no intimacy. If H didn't arrange something, or I didn't throw a party, they would not call me. No intimacy. I don't think H ever has it with them either (maybe ladyfriend, though), but as long as he can have fun with them, maybe its enough for him? Not my problem, though.

It made me lonely to have no intimacy in those "friendships". But til recently, I had him. Maybe that's why he calls to "vent". I don't gossip. But now I listen better. He has started asking me more questions. We used to talk in depth a lot.

My new friends are very supportive of me, of each other. There is an openness. They don't mind intimacy. We ENJOY discussions about the world, our work, religion, differences, acceptance. A few gossip, but not much. When they ask how I'm doing, they mean it. They want to do things with me. This is different. This is what I craved.

In short, this was an eye opener...an epiphany. One of many lately. I'm learning everyday about MLC and relationships, but also a heck of a lot more about me, my needs and what has been missing in my life for far too long.

And I just thought I wanted a birthday party.