Now what?/ One Day at a Time

[bttrfly]

you may also want to consider working with a db coach. i found mine to be extremely helpful. and while we are DBing for US, I personally believe we also are DBing because we want our marriages to work. Else, well, why are we all here and not at a support group for people working on divorce not hoping for reconciliation.

but that's just my opinion.

[bttrfly]

and you don't have to do anything about anything today except breathe. ok? xoxoxo

[job]

I do agree w/what bttrfly has posting about DBing and wanting marriages to work out, but ultimately, we have to work on getting to a place of level footing in order not to react to what they say or do when they are communicating w/us.

She is also correct that you don't have to anything about anything today. Take the time to breathe and know that no matter what transpires, you are going to be okay.

[melweb]

thanks again job.

I hesitated using the word 'tactic' but could not come up with another one while I was typing. Thanks for catching that.
As I said I have maintained all my 180s and they have indeed made me happier and more patient, even with my kids.

I basically did all those things you suggested the first time and I fear he will see it as a ploy to get him back. I was accused of that before--that I would say anything just to keep him from leaving.

Do I bring up the A, or no?

I have some mom stuff to do this week, per usual. I go the Y for yoga and walk. I may go get a much needed haircut and color too.

Thanks again for all your input. I appreciate it

[job]

I wouldn't bring up the affair because all it does is make him more defensive and angry. I would leave that alone for the time being. Whatever you know, keep it to yourself for now. I know that this hurts, but the more you focus on her and what he's doing w/her, the more he'll defend her and side w/her as to the reason for leaving you. Besides, most of they lie about the affair even when confronted w/the evidence.

I want to point out that if you were doing things the first time around and then stopped, yes, I can see where he might think it's a ploy to get him back. However, if you remain consistent w/your activities and continue to do them no matter what he says, he will eventually see that this is something you are doing for you. The key is consistency.

For now, focus on you and your family. Continue to do things for yourself and leave your man/child swinging in the wind.

[melweb]

Nope--never stopped any of my 180s. I knew most of them needed to be done even before BD anyway. Most for myself and some for the good of the M.

I had decided not to reply to his email, but in a few days I was going to respond with your suggestion. He caught me off guard by texting me last night. Asked if I was ok and did I get his email. Said he didn't know what to say, and I said I don't either (SHOOT!!) But clearly I did know what to say so I said, that we were making progress and it has only been a month and a half. Then I sent a screen shot of a text message from 10 days ago where he said he loves me and can't wait to be in arms, and that we are well on our way to love and happiness. (DOUBLE SHOOT) Reminded him that he thanked me for saving the marriage. His reply was that was while were ML. (Umm a text message and ML are two different things)
He says I can only tell you how I feel now. I finally get a hold of my senses and instead of saying 'feelings can change', I just said ok.

Good grief... I am ok now. I did this once I can do it again!!
And as Ciluzen reminded me "I am a woman only a fool would leave!"

[ciluzen]

You can do this again. I know it. Cheerful, calm, upbeat, and validating in each convo.

Just remember, there are no buts in validation.
Validation is agreement with his right to his
feelings, while not necessarily agreeing with the feelings.
It is letting him know you hear and understand what he's saying, without necessarily agreeing with what he's saying. Asking to clarify an unclear position is also validating, as it shows you are listening and seek understanding.

You're not out to win the interaction, just make him feel heard and understood. Smile and make eye contact, even if you feel like you're forcing it. Make him look! R talk? Let him do the initiating and talking. Just validate.

And don't worry about making mistakes or putting your foot in your mouth. We all do it...try, try, again.

[melweb]

Thanks Ciluzen. I GOT this!!

Now that I am a few days post BD #2, I am a tad more rational in my thinking. Thank goodness.

As he is on a biz trip, interactions have been thru text and only on is initiative. After the Sunday debacle, he was silent Monday. Tues evening I get a text about our house we have for sale (It has been on the market for almost a year, and causing us significant financial stress, and good ol' regular stress.)
He asks if there is any word on the showing. I do not reply,as I am busy with my life, for two hours. He says 'apparently not.' I do not reply for an hour and say "no.' He says "so you're not talking to me anymore?" I say "sure, I'll talk to you." He says, "ok, just wondering, off to dinner." I say "Have fun." 3 hours later, he texts. "I am staying til Saturday." (I am not at all surprised by this because I believe OW is there, or on her way there for the weekend.) It takes all I got not to say, Gee, really??, or Surprise, Surprise, --or something else that I cannot write here.
I do not reply (GO ME!!) An hour later, "You awake?" I say yes. He asks Why I am being so cold? (Seriously dude??)
I say I'm not. He says ok. I say "Thanks for letting me know about staying. He says You're welcome.

So questions, and this is why I hate texting, but how can I be short and sweet, thru text without it coming across cold? I am mad as he!!, but I really wasn't trying to be cold, I was just trying not to be all pursuing and such.

And also, are they usually this delusional in that he just dropped a bomb on me and I'm supposed be like, 'gee, thats ok. No worries." And go about like it never happened? Funny thing is after first BD, and I 180'd to happy, upbeat and confident, he accused me of being in denial.

[job]

You did fine. He's thinks you are being cold because you are not jumping to respond to his text messages. Continue as you have been. If he starts up the textathon again, wait a while and respond. If he asks why you are not responding, advise him that you are busy doing things. No one says you have to be sitting there waiting for him to text you.

Your responses were fine...it's him, not you. Continue as you have been.

[Nel]

Melweb-

We also just sold our marital home at the end of January after being on the market for a year and a half. What a relief because it was also causing us financial stress, but it did give us something to communicate about. Now we don't have that common link although we also don't have that stress. Good luck with that.

It's funny that he thinks you're being "cold." I do agree with you though that texting can cause some things to be misinterpreted because of the lack of emotion. I've learned to say "I'm sorry you feel that I was being ______. That's not what I meant."

Keep up the good work!

Nel