Where will we go from here

[TimR]

Link to my prior thread...

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...;gonew=1#UNREAD

[TimR]

This will be a bit wordy, and I will try to keep it as concise as I can but maybe this history will provide better insight to my sitch.

WW and I met each other through work. She was a paralegal and I an attorney at the same firm. She worked for a partner and I ran a branch office. Another senior paralegal pushed us to get together.

At the time WW was engaged to S13 father. At some point she caught him cheating and told me she broke up with him. We dated for a few months but it did not work out cause was unavailable a lot (I now wander if I was not OM). So we stopped seeing each other. I actually ended it via text after she yet again broke plans with me.

She got back with S13 father and we were friendly when I was at main office. Then out of the blue she called me crying. S13's father was arrested and she needed to know what to do. The crimes he was accused of were terrible. I agree to represent him and learn of his record...WOW! During the pending charges he becomes physically abusive to her and she tell me she told him its over. (She later claims that he was emotionally abusive through out.) She calls and starts talking to me outside the case and starts taking interest in my activities. She tries judo and signs her kids up too. Our relationship grows and telephone conversations become longer and more intimate (personal). During this time she tells me his moods keep getting darker and darker. She also tells me he stole her gun.

On New Years we are going to out on our first date. WW makes some comment about some kinda of threat he made. I talk her into speaking with her brother (a cop). I take her there and we sit down and talk about how we are concerned that he has a gun, should not have a gun and is making threats to her. Her brother is going to look into it and let the local cops know. We travel back to my house to get both of our cars.

I run in to let my dogs out and get a coat. I hear my dogs going crazy and walk out. There is S13's dad trying to kick in her car window to get at her. I confront him and he leaves. He is later arrested between our houses with the gun on him.

We start dating and I spend a lot of time with her and on the phone cause I am afraid for her safety. WW falls behind in her bills and because of the safety issue, I ask her to move her and her boys in with me. Things are great. We are loving and blah blah blah. Having kids in the home was not something I was used to so I would freak out a bit about sex and the boys hearing. One time they were knocking on the bedroom door asking for something or other. But things are good.

I have to admit, I did not really appreciate the boys when they first moved in. I was not used to kids and had to step up to be the disciplinarian because she wouldn't. Occasionally she would accuse me of being too rough on them about their behavior but things were still good. But we would do things as a family. they got involved in soccer and so did WW. She later got me involved as a ref. We would shop together and just spend time with each other.

After a bit because of job concerns I let her know I might leave my job. I started looking and created an exit plan. It took a year to do and I kept warning her that she would be fired if I left. She did not look for another job and ignored the situation. She also did not voice any opposition to my leaving. When I left the next day she was fired and devastated. WW called me crying after it happened and I tried to comfort her. WW attacked me (I took my staff with me) saying she was happy I took my wh0re with me and not her. She got cold and this was about the time she started sleeping on the couch. She did not just say I am not coming to bed but would fall asleep while watching TV and would not wake up to come to bed. After awhile I would stop trying to get her to come to bed.

For the next couple years we would go through bouts of her sleeping in bed for awhile and then back to the couch. Sometimes I would try to get her to come to bed sometimes not. At the same time during the days she would be ok and we would have fun. But the sex was drying up. Yet she would continue to press about getting married.

I bought the ring she wanted and proposed. She started planning the wedding (it took a year) and at the beginning we were back. Then as the year rolled on she started sleeping on the couch again and the sex dried up again. For relief I started watching internet porn. I would confront her about not sleeping with me and she would give excuses about the dogs in the bedroom. She continued to get colder and arguments happened more, good times became less often.

We got married and it was a great wedding. She came back to bed for awhile but eventually ended back on the couch. She found a new job and her boss was a perv. He was constantly hitting on her. She would vent to me about it. I listened and encouraged her to find something else but I am sure I did not do the best at validating.

We did a family honeymoon. The first day of the honeymoon we did great. We had sex expressed our love for each other and just talked. The next night she stayed until 2 in the kids room and I was angry, the rest of the time she stayed in the kids room. At one point I was very very upset and the next morning we went to one of those timeshare things. I had been texting her begging her to come to our room and there was always an excuse. The guy trying to sell us a timeshare asked what our secret was to be happy. I said time apart and her eyes got watery.

When we got home she again would not come to bed. I mentioned marriage counseling and she would not go. She told me she does not come to bed because of the disgusting dogs in the bedroom. I put the dogs out of the bedroom and slept in there alone while she slept on the couch. I must admit I watched more internet porn during this time.

She did finally find a new job and she was excited. The job started off well. She really loved the work and seemed to like most of her coworkers. However, as time went on her boss seemed to start treating her poorly and she would dread going into the office. I was not doing that well professionally and probably did not listen as well as I could have. She would vent and I would try and be compassionate. Her moods then started to change and as she would vent she would start yelling at me. As that progressed I start retreating.

There was a few times we tried to have sex and I couldn't a few time cause of sickness and I am a sure a few cause of the porn.

On Valentines day she came back to the bedroom and for the next month we were great. Then in June she told me she was pregnant. I was happy and scared and worried and elated. She said somethings about me being happy and I said I was but nervous too. She would not ask me to go to the appointments and when I asked to go she would tell me no its just a waste of time right now and they don't do much. She had terrible morning sickness.

On August 15 she told me she was having an abortion. I said I did not want her too and it was against my religion. She insisted. She gave me a list of reasons and crying said "I don't want you to hate me, it is just for the best." On August 18th she took $600 from me and went and had it done. I was devastated. I pulled back for quite some time.

Things got frostier from there. She never did return to the marital bedroom after that. I would occasionally have blow ups about her never showing affection. WW would say I was the one who was not affectionate. I would work up the courage to hug her and she would shrug me off saying why are you doing that now, you never hug me and stuff like that. It would take longer to build up the courage to hug her again. From that August of 2014 we never slept with each other. She would make comments rude comments about me and such. By the falling August I was we were deep in a hole. I again suggested marriage counseling and by October she agreed to go.

Also by October we were hardly speaking to each other. In counseling she told the counselor that she did not know if she wanted to work on us anymore. I of course was scared and went into Super Husband mode. During our second session she walked out at the end and said she would not come back.

I noticed at the beginning of November not only was she not talking to me was so ever, she was on her phone a lot. We had a talk about how I wanted to save the marriage and she just kept being bitter. I now know this is when at least the EA started.

December was no better and two weeks before Christmas she started staying out late. And well the rest is on my board.

[TimR]

Wow that hurt to type but there it is. I get that I was not a great H, there were times I was unreasonable, neglectful and not affectionate. I see in summarizing my M where I could have done things different and would not be here (well at least I think) now.

Yet that damage is done and I can only move forward. If you have any specific questions, let me know.

Writing it did help me to understand where some of the anger has come from, although still not all.

[Thornton]

Dude,

This isn't all your fault. Your W CLEARLY has some issues. She reminds me of my W. Lots and lots of drama.

You sound like a rescuer, Tim. You were the knight in shining armor protecting her and the boys.

Man, we are so alike.

Here's the thing, men like us typically attract women that need rescuing. It helps define us and gives us purpose.

Did you make mistakes? Absolutely. We all have. But your W wasn't an innocent angel in this either. And she clearly wasn't communicating effectively (ie the dogs are the reason you aren't having sex - gimme a break).

Codepedency is no joke. Have you looked into it?

[TimR]

No I haven't but I will. Thanks Thornton.

[TimR]

Need some help quickly...

Remember, I was going to do the NC.

I got a text from WW. She wants to know what to do about her dog who appears to purposefully poop in the new house.

I was thinking about a reply.

"oh yuck that's got to be disgusting. She is not used to going out on a leash so you should get her a longer leash and be willing to spend a significant time outside waiting for her to go. Have you changed the brand dog food you feed her cause that can upset her stomach."

If I stay dark and don't respond she will take the dog to the SPCA and destroy the kids. Thoughts???

[TimR]

BTW that text is not being the gay friend Sandi refers to right???

[Thornton]

I would reply how you suggested. You are over thinking the gay bf in this instance IMO.

[Sparkls]

Agreed. If anything, the only thing I would take out is the Yuck part at the beginning. THink of this as a conversation about the kids. Straight, to the point, just the facts.

[Ojap]

Wow, Tim. I'm late to the game regarding the text. But agree w/ Thornton & Sparks. Treat it like 'the kids' or 'property' stuff.

All I can say is...it's NOT all your fault. Of course we make mistakes. But...from your story...your W checked out a long time ago.

To boot...have you had the conversation about the abortion since? Do you suspect it wasn't yours? That is not something just swept under the rug. You can't just 'move on' and act like it didn't happen. That would be a 'life event' man....nothing remotely small about it. And the 'family honeymoon' stuff regarding not being with you. Really out of bounds. So..much in your story.

Thornton's eval as a 'rescuer' is spot on. I'm not 'full on' when it comes to that...but my codependency and desire to fix and control situations makes me one as well.

Know that being a 'rescuer' doesn't mean there is something wrong with you. You are altruistic. You believe the best in people and want to make things right when they are wrong. All VERY positive things...but our downfall? We do it at the expense of ourselves SO often.

Lean in and take care of yourself, Tim. Thanks for sharing your story