KGirl - new life, new stuff

[KGirl]

I am still having trouble sleeping - I hope it abates soon. Had a dream that XH reappeared in my life and we were in some sort of relationship but I kept wishing for it to be XBF in the dream. Then I woke up at 4am and didn't fall back asleep until right when it was time to get up (that plus stuff from yesterday I'll mention later).

I think what my obsessions are boiling down to is: were we just incompatible (particularly in what we wanted/where he was in life to handle a 'real' mutual relationship) or was I being crazy/unreasonable again (I guess "again" is relative - and influenced by XH) in that I was codependent, too needy, possessive, jealous etc. In other words: were we incompatible and therefore a bad relationship to begin with, or were we potentially compatible people that didn't work out because my destructive behavior contributed to it? And while people keep saying cr*p like "he just wasn't the one then. There are plenty of fish in the sea" it's really not helpful at all - because what if I keep finding people that COULD be "the one" but I mess it up?

Lots of second guessing and trying to replay in my mind what happened and remember it but it's foggier as time goes by. Like, when we went to dinner and I asked him what he had going on later in the week (which he later said was "prying" and he felt "constrained" by all my questions), I thought I was being conversational and showing interest in his life and being connected, but did I have a ton of judgment/nosiness that was negative? I don't know. I try to remind myself that I felt like I wasn't important to him, that I was mostly a "weekend" girlfriend, but then I remember that he DID text me during the workday and maybe it wasn't that bad - I'm too needy.

I'm sort of hoping the IC will say "oh no, you're totally reasonable, these are normal relationship needs and he just didn't want to meet them!" and a weight will magically be lifted, but it's like some punishment-loving part of myself wants to beat myself up over my behavior whether it was reasonable to most people or not.

And, of course.. thinking that maybe we weren't in the same place/page right now leads me to thoughts like "well maybe in a few months he will be.. and then.."... I think about whether he'll contact me, realize he really misses me and I added value to his life, etc. The way he ended it he described me as being constricted and feeling guilty, like I was controlling, and apparently no value added there.

So I had my first volunteer shift yesterday and was pretty excited about it. It involves selling used books and using a cash-register. We couldn't do practice transactions but I had a manual that seemed pretty straightforward. Right when I was getting ready to pack up someone came and bought several items. I thought I was following the instructions to add each item, add tax, etc. but I got a grand total of $4.06 for $4.00 worth of merchandise (not 5.5% tax, for sure!) So I tried it a different way and got $4.17 which sounded alright.. but I later calculated and realized it wasn't, so I didn't charge the person enough. And in the process, made a mess of the sales transactions because there weren't instructions on voiding a transaction, how to record a transaction with multiple items, etc. So just sort of a mess overall. I wrote an email to the volunteer coordinator explaining what happened, asking if I had the buttons in the right order or not and some questions about the details.. but I felt SO DUMB afterwards. I have a master's degree and can't ring up $4 worth of books. Which then led me to feeling like I was a total F-up overall in life.. and missing XBF even more because I wanted so bad to tell him what happened, hear him tell me it'd be OK and I'm great like he always would (which then lead me to thinking.. he was actually pretty great, how did I scare him away!) etc. etc. So, rough day.