NYGal still trying

[Sotto]

Hi, this is a lovely post from PP on Mutatio's thread on this theme. I thought it might be helpful to repost it here...

Hey Mu,

Lots of writing on death and dying man, but I get it. Your M is dying. Part of you is dying. Trust me, I get it. I was surrounded by death last year and no one past away. Energetically it was everywhere.

I'm on a journey right now that is literally about death, the real kind. The physical kind. I'm interviewing people who will be dead in a year, talking to people who have terminal conditions, and working with folks who work with them. They all say the same thing,

"No matter what condition your life is in, find what you can be grateful about in it. Do this because some day you're not going to have the choice to do so like you have now."

Heavy.

This hit home for me when I heard a guy talk about his father. The man was an angry driver and yelled at people behind the wheel. His father told him he used to be the same way, now he would give anything just to be able to drive again. Some day Mu, you're not going to be able to make the choices you can make right now.

Choices to appreciate what's there more than what's not. The choice to find joy in spite of the pain and heartache you're experiencing. The choice to reach so gXddamn deep into yourself just to find the spec of joy that may be hiding, and then use that as the foundation of your life moving forward. It's in there. Find it.

IN SPITE OF, is now one of my favorite phrases. I learned it from BD. Pre BD I didn't think there could be happiness, joy, contentment, laughter, love, and more if there was any pain present at all. It was one or the other, black or white. Don't f*cking tell me there's grey, it's either black or white. That was my attitude.

One of the greatest gifts of BD and DB'ing was having to make that choice. Was having to develop the skill to make that choice. The hard fought, tear driven, gut wrenching choice that I am going to have to find happiness in the face of losing the love of my life. The impossible choice. The choice I swore could never be made and anyone who asked me to could go f*ck themselves. They didn't know how much I loved my W. They didn't know how hard I fought to be with her. There was no happiness without her.

But they were right. There is happiness without her. There is joy without her. There is laughter without her. There is love without her. All of them can live side by side with the heartache of missing her, it's not one or the other. It's in spite of. And in addition to. And then some day, that joy is going to slowly edge that pain and heartache to the side, inch by inch. But only if you first let them live next to each other.

I read a lot on here that there cannot be happiness without our spouses, that it's impossible. That's nonsense. More likely it's codependence at its finest. But it's pure nonsense. Happiness is a choice. It's a hard fought battle on somedays but that's the game we're in. We didn't ask to be here, but neither did anyone who woke up in a chitty spot in their lives. We're in it. So let's use it to transform our thinking, to grow us, to inspire us, to move us to become the people we were not in our M's. Not only men and women only fools would leave, but men and women who so rich with appreciation for the lives we have that someone leaving us only dents the experience, not brings the whole house down.

Stay strong brother. There's so much to you that the world needs, your kids need, and you need to hear from you.

Find joy Mu. Find fun. Laugh your ass off until tears run down your face, then laugh some more.

Peace,
PP