Honestly I think she is doing it bc it is the last way she can hurt me and how to get a reaction. I have been calm, I am not calling her out on her BS and am just letting things slide off of me and being pleasant while doing it. I think she sees that and for some reason figures if she is not hurting me that way she will find a new way.
Either the above, or it could be she feels guilty but cannot or will not stop herself. So why not erase the thing that brings her the guilt... me.
I notice how she doesn't want money but has said nothing about the car insurance yet. That money must still be good money to her. I would not do it, but can't tell you I have not thought about cancelling it without telling her. Here in PA if you go so long without, the DMV will send you a letter immediately suspending your registration, which means you have to send in your license plate. If she could do that to me she would have but I could not do it to her. That would interfere with her job and the kids if they need to go anywhere.
Me 41 W 33 M 2013 Suspect A 11/15 Confirm A 1/16 She moved out 2/14/16 Stepson 13 Stepson 16
If she was in a calm state, I would recommend talking to her and expressing your concerns about not wanting to get the biological dad involved, so could you just put something together yourselves? My H and I have been putting together the parenting plan since October and we have been cooperative. It just blows my mind that she isn't doing what S13 wants....
In our state, the courts can ask kids 14 and older to weigh in on what they want. I think if you can talk to S13 in a very careful way and not step on W's toes (not sure that is possible right now, however), it would be okay. But, in her anger right now, you probably will need to be prepared to file for custody if she gets enraged about your discussion with him.
To sum up: - determine if you can talk to her about coming up with more formal parenting plan because you want to keep biological father out of it - talk to S13 carefully to determine exactly what he wants - be prepared if WAS is angry about your talk that you may be forced to file anyway
Honestly, this is really complicated and I am just heartbroken she isn't thrilled that you want to be involved.
One FYI - in the divorcecare video last night, there was a man who said he wrote "that his kids were to stay in baseball" in the custody agreement because he was the coach, his kids loved baseball and he was worried his wife would take them out of it to punish him. Not sure how old the video was, but that may be something to ask L about if you are forced to file.
Last edited by Cadet; 03/01/1604:53 PM. Reason: start a new thread message
M 44 H 46 M 20yrs T 25 yrs S15 S12
ILYBINILWY 7/18/15 Move to MBR 9/8/15 Physical Separation 10/10/15 Suspect A 8/2015 Confirm A 12/27/15 D filed by H 2/2/16
This is very complicated. Is there anyway to meet up with some social workers or a type of family therapy to come up with a solution that is best for kids? If wife is being advised by neutral party she might not be able to convince herself that you are using kids to control her.
I think in her mind, wife truly sees you as a controlling villain. I do not think she has guilt yet. Her perspective of you helps to justify her actions.
if you push in court she will Definatly feel that you are controlling. Working with her to figure out a way that you can remain in children's lives sounds like it would be the best for the kids.
I think it would be harmful to the kids to put them in a situation where they feel compelled to make decisions that will hurt either parent.
What makes this tricky is that you feel backed into a corner, worried that you might lose your chance for custody.
It is just horrifying to me. Ok I get for whatever reasons she wants to give that she doesn't love me anymore, that she hates me. How could she want to be so selfish to want to hurt me at the same time destroying her son??? That is far beyond my understanding. I would never do anything to cause that boy any pain. And yet it seems she could care less as long as it hurts me.
Not only am I beginning to lose love for her, I am beginning to lose respect.
Me 41 W 33 M 2013 Suspect A 11/15 Confirm A 1/16 She moved out 2/14/16 Stepson 13 Stepson 16
So it is the same ole same ole here. WW sent me a text about the tournament schedule yesterday. Basically, she has not had time to look at it. I said that is ok what I was really worried about was taking him to the dr. She responded the she would take care of it and I did not need to worry about it. I said that was fine I just thought he needed to be seen, if she needed any money for it to let me know. W responded with you have no say in my son's medical decisions. I have cared for my son's medical treatment for 13 years. You do not need to worry about my son. Give me the bills you did pay for and I will make sure to reimburse you.
I did not respond. I think my best course of action is NC unless absolutely necessary. I am going to sign him up for the tournament the 13th. I think I will leave it up to him to tell her. I thought I was doing well by not engaging and keeping it about the kids (I never tried the trivial sporadic text) but now she is starting to use S13 to get at me.
Me 41 W 33 M 2013 Suspect A 11/15 Confirm A 1/16 She moved out 2/14/16 Stepson 13 Stepson 16
She wants to hurt you, because she is hurting. I am sure she does not always hate you. I am sure she loves you at times, and then a mood takes over and she remembers all these things you did to her to hurt her. And then she becomes enraged. She feels justified. She is interpreting your actions as being ways to hurt her. I am sure she is suspicious, especially because of your legal background. Like you, She also feels the need to protect herself legally.
She has been feeling hurt by you for a long time, and now because she detached first she can hurt you. She is angry and she is simply acting on her emotions.
I am the LBS, but I feel similarly torwards husband (I keep my feelings to myself though, but I long for the day to make him understand what I am going through). The mistrust and legal implications play huge roles. It is really sad and I am sorry for your situation. For me personally, the lack of communication from husband makes me more mistrustful and more filled with rage. It makes me detach but in a bad way. When he interacts with me and discusses feelings (without anger or argument) and really understands what I am going through I feel more connected. His phony validation texts annoy me. Obviously you cannot initiate this because you are the LBS. I am only mentioning it because I think it's a universal male -female struggle.
I wish I knew the best answers for you. It is so difficult when there is so much at stake. Even more difficult in your case as a step father that really wants to do the right thing.
Can you believe that my kids biological father is fine with less then 30% of the time with them? When I was sick and needed extra help he was too busy to help. He took off all these vacation days in summer and not once helped my parents with kids while I was working. In a way I am lucky because, legally I won't have to worry too much regarding custody. Although he makes little comments that say if I ask for more money he will ask for more time with kids. This is why your story stands out to me so much. Because you are truly a good man to be so concerned with making sure these children have a positive male role model in their life. Don't forget what a good man you are.
Well said, Thorton and JujuB. I agree with Thornton that she is just finding ways to stay angry (I think it is to justify her A and why she left). I also agree with JujuB, remember you are a good man that just wants to spend time with S13. I am so very sorry that we are all going through such an awful situation. But, to add this to it makes it so much more heartbreaking. Keep fighting the good fight for S13. ((hugs))
M 44 H 46 M 20yrs T 25 yrs S15 S12
ILYBINILWY 7/18/15 Move to MBR 9/8/15 Physical Separation 10/10/15 Suspect A 8/2015 Confirm A 12/27/15 D filed by H 2/2/16
Thank you JujuB. It really helps to have someone recognize my relationship with the kids.
My IC made the comment that "hurt people, Hurt people." I am not trying to shirk any of my responsibilities in damaging our M. I certainly contributed my fair share to the damage of our marriage. I recognize that I hurt her and not just superficially. But I cannot take the blame that she never expressed it too me until it was too late. Yes we did not have a stellar marriage but and there were times I thought of walking away, but I didn't. I also didn't look outside the marriage and some of the other horrible things she did (I am sure I will be told to start a new thread soon and will outline our relationship at the beginning).
Now I am left with just S13 and I feel obligated no matter the cost (financially and emotionally) to be there for him.
Me 41 W 33 M 2013 Suspect A 11/15 Confirm A 1/16 She moved out 2/14/16 Stepson 13 Stepson 16
