Mu, interesting. Thanks for checking in.

It's interesting how stress affects my body.

I have never had issues with neck/upper back pain. But in the last 2 weeks, my neck and back have been stiff as a board.

I also have a perpetual knot in my stomach that never really goes away either.

I wouldn't be surprised if I started going grey. Luckily I don't have grey hairs right now. But I imagine I will after this is all said and done.

I've been contemplating life without W moving forward, and it makes me sad. Sad that our dreams might never be realized. It was so fun talking with her about our dream house, dreaming about retirement and doing things, vacationing in the Pacific Northwest. All of that stuff is gone, at least for now.

I know I need to try to stay in the present, but how do I not ponder these things? They were such a big part of my life.

I also think one of my problems is denial. I was able to get W back once. So how could I not hold out hope that I can do it again?

But it also keeps me stuck. I think I'm scared of acceptance because then it will mean I am truly detached and there will be no coming back for our relationship.

In the meantime, placing the focus back on me (to the best of my ability).