So sorry for you Sparks. They always seem to want to kick us when we are down. I teeter between depression and rage. How could you be so uncaring to someone who loves you so much and I don't just want to burn bridges I want to burn the whole world.
Pajo and Thornton are right though when everything is crumbling around us we need to return to the basics... the most basics Breath.
Me 41 W 33 M 2013 Suspect A 11/15 Confirm A 1/16 She moved out 2/14/16 Stepson 13 Stepson 16
He stole my optimism. I used to be such an optimist and now all I can see is a bitter end to what was once something so beautiful. I am trying to remember the moment when he told me that this wasn't easy for him either. The moments when he really was struggling. And while he may be putting on a tough face, maybe he's still having those moments.
I just wish he would've been honest with me at the beginning. We could've fixed this before we ever got to this point: why didn't he just effing talk to me?!? And am I really doing the right thing by withdrawing from him now? Will he miss me enough?
M:26 H:32 T:8yrs ILYBNILWY/ "I'm not happy": 2/6/16 D-Day-discovered PA/EA: 2/10/16 Separated: 2/14/16 He's living with OW I moved to different state: 06/16 Currently: Trying to move forward
All very good questions Sparks and I wish I had the answers for you. For us, although we have our own emotional fog going on, thinking rationally, we think the WS would as well. Unfortunately, they are incapable of rational thought.
It also stings when they put it all on us. Like we pushed them out the door to have an A. What BS, if they would have been honest with us from the start, everyone here would have moved heaven and earth for their WS. I guess rationally speaking, while we tend to blame ourselves we are the least culpable in our sitches.
Hang in there Sparks. BTW I just noticed you are from PA too. Here is a little optimistic thought for you, At least it is starting to warm up!
Me 41 W 33 M 2013 Suspect A 11/15 Confirm A 1/16 She moved out 2/14/16 Stepson 13 Stepson 16
These are questions we all ask ourselves. It can make you crazy.
I can assure you that this is no cake walk for him after 8 years together. He wouldn't be human if it was.
Think of H as having been abducted and probed by aliens. He's been infected with a virus. There's no cure, except time and space. If you try to cure the virus, by giving him medicine, he can actually get worse.
Sometimes, the virus lessons it's grip on the person and we see little glimpses of their former selves.
Sometimes, the person with the virus snaps out of it. But not before doing some things that are out character, after all, it's a virus.
He's an alien right now, Sparks. Anything he does right now, won't make sense.
Me: oh and your shirt finally arrived. It's in the mailbox (he's been waiting for this for like 2 months) Him: cool. Thank you.
Sigh. At least he responded pleasantly. Could've just read it and not said anything.
M:26 H:32 T:8yrs ILYBNILWY/ "I'm not happy": 2/6/16 D-Day-discovered PA/EA: 2/10/16 Separated: 2/14/16 He's living with OW I moved to different state: 06/16 Currently: Trying to move forward
So question for ya'll because I've been thinking about it a bit more than I probably should be. One of his texts mentioned that "we don't have to talk." I'm not going to read into that at all. I'm just worried that on Friday, he's going to try and bring up R stuff. Specifically, how do I react if he tries to tell me "he's done" and it's over?
"I understand that that is how you feel and I agree that how things were has to change." ? Or do I just say I would rather not talk about our R while he is still with OW? I know that if he comes up to me and says he wants to officially break up, it's going to be hard for me to maintain my cool breeziness unless I have something already prepared to say, ya' know? Basically, how do you balance the tough love of a Wayward spouse approach with validation?
M:26 H:32 T:8yrs ILYBNILWY/ "I'm not happy": 2/6/16 D-Day-discovered PA/EA: 2/10/16 Separated: 2/14/16 He's living with OW I moved to different state: 06/16 Currently: Trying to move forward
He's an addict under the influence and will say crazy things.
Second... If he does say that stuff, I think I would simply agree with him. "H, if you are happy with OW, then so be it. I hope you find everything that you are looking for."
If you can leave him with that as your last communication, there is no way he won't think about it.
Remember, DB is counter-intuitive. It goes against what we often think we should do.
Have his last memory of you be a good one. He'll be haunted by it. Then go NC.
This is great advice Thornton. I've been told to simply listen, validate and if he brings up something crazy regarding the R, I was told to either ignore the zinger and let him know that you don't want to talk about it right now or to say:
"I understand and hear what you're saying. I don't think xyz is the best solution to our issues but, I respect your opinion and I will not stop you."
And like Thornton said, try to leave off on a good note. This is very difficult to do but you can do it, Spark! I tried my hardest to do it and as you may know, have not contacted H since. This is counter-intuitive and new as I would normally jump all over any little nicety I'd get from him so I think your H will notice if you switch it up a bit.
"Be messy and complicated and afraid and show up anyways."
