KGirl - new life, new stuff

[KGirl]

I called the mental health services for my health care provider and there aren't any earlier openings because new patient visits are a certain length of time and they only have so many slots/week. So my appointment is March 10 which I guess isn't too bad at this point (two weeks out). And I guess I don't feel like I'm an "emergency" to argue for whatever they offer people in emergency situations. Back at BD I was able to get something within a week because I was A) crying on the phone with them, B) because of that they gave me a referral to a clinic that wasn't the primary one, but is farther away.. and I did that but ended up not being all that satisfied with the person I was working with ultimately. So I don't know what else I can do at this point. I never set up a general doctor/primary care person, I just have an OB-GYN I do annual exams with.

Feeling somewhat better today, I think yesterday's combination of not following the usual routine (being at a conference in a different building, surrounded by a lot of people, with a lot of "listening" and non-active time) plus not being careful about alcohol was not helpful for me. I just need more sleep now! Did not sleep well last night (again, the drinks.. sigh).

[Maybell]

In the meantime, I would encourage you to try St. Johns' Wort. I used just that for over a year and it helped enormously. It may not do as much for you but for sure it's better than doing nothing. Also please make sure you AT LEAST stretch thoroughly every morning when you get up, particularly if you don't want to, and try to go for a walk or something every single day to get the neurological benefit of a little exercise.

You've got to take care of yourself, KGirl. You deserve it.

[KGirl]

Thanks, Maybell. I know I have the tools to deal with this (well at least for the next two weeks.. but I'm sure I do after that too) I just need to use them. I forgot to mention before when Mozza asked - I do have a gym membership and have been trying to go regularly. Haven't been since Sunday because of after-work obligations but don't have any reason not to make it the rest of the week. And making sure I'm not getting upset at myself for still being sad.

[KGirl]

Today I:
-walked 1.5 miles
-went to volunteer orientation at the library and signed up for a weekly shift
-spent 15 minutes journaling where I gave myself permission to write whatever I wanted about XBF, the breakup, my thoughts, etc... and I only made it 10 minutes before I felt like I was done
-picked some affirmations to say when I find myself drifting into ruminating, obsessing, etc. so I can focus on what I'm supposed to be doing.

So.. yay?

I did not get very much sleep so I did not think it was going to be a decent day. Kept waking up and XBF's face kept popping into my brain and couldn't get back to sleep. Alarm went off and was dreading going to the volunteer orientation, thought about cancelling or saying I was sick. I realized I'd have to walk through downtown and I hadn't been there since the breakup (we'd meet up after work every week and pick a place to eat dinner). But, I made myself do it, and I survived. And the volunteer opportunity is interesting and I'm really excited about it Something that would be hard to commit to on a weekly basis if I wasn't single so I guess that's a positive.

[KGirl]

Took most of the weekend to recover from Friday (after what was a pretty good Thursday!) I decided to go NC with my mom for awhile. Just because she is my mom doesn't mean she is there to support me (and I suppose a therapy topic/childhood issues that relate to relationships today - trying and wanting to get her support and validation and it coming sporadically or not at all). Had a rough Friday morning after going to the dentist, being delayed half an hour and therefore missing a work meeting, and then being told I had my first cavity to fill.
Texted my mom: "I have my first cavity! argh."
Mom: "maybe you had too much boy spit in your mouth"
me: "what? that was insensitive"
mom: "no it wasn't"
me: "You know I'm taking this stuff with XBF really hard, it's not something to joke about."
mom: switches topics to something completely different and I just ignore her.

This + the last time I saw her she told me "don't talk about it because then I'll get sad too" + her texting him to try to get his attention = not something i can handle right now. Do I need to tell her that I can't talk to her right now or just ignore her phone calls or messages unless there is a direct question? She gets offended very easily and will flip it back on people so I'm foreseeing a showdown of "I'm just trying to be HELPFUL but I don't know how so I'm doing the best I can, OK? At least I'm here unlike blah blah blah or that time you didn't come visit me in the hospital when I had surgery *insert other grievance I don't remember here*"

[Mozza]

Something that would be hard to commit to on a weekly basis if I wasn't single so I guess that's a positive.

Codependence alert! Seriously, being in a couple, especially without kids, shouldn't be an impediment to volunteering.

I'm glad you went downtown. When I was ready, I made a point to go back to the places I had visited with WW and to create new memories of my own.

I'm not as concerned with your mental states as others. It seems like you're still functional, if not at your best. Yes, it's taking some time to get over this relationship, but what we lose in a breakup is not the past, it's the future. If you projected yourself much with him, no wonder you're upset. Still, I'm happy you have an IC appointment on the horizon.

"Too much boy spit in your mouth"? Is this a local expression I don't know? Sounds disgusting. Well, if your mother made it up and threw it at you, no wonder you feel bad for having more than one partner. I hope you have less judgmental people around you on this topic...

How's your personal dress code these days?

[KGirl]

Hmm.. the volunteering thing brings up some good examples of problems in these relationships. With XH, we shared a car, but it was "his" car since he purchased it with his funds, so his things got first priority. He played soccer 2-3x a week, it wasn't always on consistent nights, and when he'd come home from work would be unpredictable, so I wasn't really able to do anything on a weekly basis (sounds bad, huh?) Even when I had an event far in advance that I knew about and really wanted to do, it was a huge deal to get him to come home from work at the "regular" time or ask someone for a ride or adjust his schedule. But yet, when he took the car for a trip and left it at an airport 5 hours away (to meet his buddy, instead of flying out of the airport in town where I could have dropped him off), I was expected to just deal with it and it wasn't even a question. With XBF, I found myself wanting to keep my evenings free because for most of the R I never knew when I would see him next - if he'd ask me today to do something tomorrow, for example. It wasn't until early January that I finally said "This really isn't working for me, I'd really like to talk on the weekend when we see each other about when I'll see you during the week so I can plan accordingly and not get anxious about when I might see you again." Which he said he could do, but then I felt like sort of mocked me or made a big deal about it like he was doing me a big favor... "we haven't talked yet about when we'll get together this week, we better do that." He was much more of a go with the flow, not planning ahead sort of person. Obviously problems in both areas.

Yeah, I'm functional I guess, just not in a place where I thought I'd be by now. I still find it hard to get up in the mornings. I cry once a day, minimal. Really dumb things remind me of him and throw me into a state. Like I tried to work on a grocery shopping list and look at my coupon blog, which I loved to do, but the last time I did a big coupon run XBF was here and he came to the store with me so I kept thinking about that and couldn't do it. I still have a lot of obsessive, ruminating thoughts about why this happened, was it me/was it him/was it a combination of things and what was my part in it, was it just that we were incompatible so we shouldn't have stayed together (and where's the line between incompatible and the idea that relationships aren't perfect and take work? I feel like in these 2 R's I've felt like we just needed to work out things and the other party was like "I'm not happy right now, therefore I'm outta here.") Looking forward to starting counseling next week and hoping that will help me figure it out. Sometimes I try and tell myself "he just wasn't ready for an adult relationship, that's all there is to it" but then I worry I'm being too simplistic and not self-reflective enough in tidying up my side of the street.

Yes, I did start to project myself with him! I mean, two weeks before the breakup, he brought up the idea of living together and said he would look forward to having me to "come home to" and that he was really happy with me. I met his family, he invited me to holidays (even though they didn't happen, I was hung up on the thought). So yeah, I thought there was a future here and he was in it like I was... even though he did say he "wasn't on the same page" as me. I guess I should have listened to that part and not the other parts.

My mom just made that up to be clever/funny, I'm sure. People who are not in our family think she is hilarious. Those of us who grew up/lived with her know better. She tends to put on a front but there isn't substance behind it. Apparently there are some FOO issues I need to explore here that I didn't during D - attitude being "I just ignore my family, so they can't be a source of problems."

I wore jeans today but I have an excuse - it's snowstorming out! And then I volunteer tonight, so I didn't want to spend the day schlepping around in business casual.

[Ginger1]

KG, I'm sorry. I am also a ruminator and an obsessor, and letting things just be for me, is really difficult. I have not slept much in the past week due to this.

My manfriend and I aren't completely done, but our R is ending in a similar way and I am learning it's not me and it's ok to have my own needs. My guy is in a place where he wants his cake and eat it too, and that's his deal, not mine. We really aren't on the same page right now. And I am learning that's ok. It is possible for two people to be in two different places in their lives. Those places might not be compatible with needs and boundaries.

I also met much of manfriend's family. Hi D and I got close, I met his ex (baby momma) a few times, I met most of his friends, and we spoke of a future together. However, it takes work, and both have to be willing to put it in.

I keep myself in check with my IC to guide me through life and the dating process. I do need some reassurance and some unbiased opinions on how I am handling myself, if I am repeating patterns, and what can be done to recognize it and change it.

Keep on going. Meet with the IC. You'll get a good perspective. And work on learning and letting go. I too still am working on that. It's a tough one, but it brings peace in the end.

[KGirl]

I am still having trouble sleeping - I hope it abates soon. Had a dream that XH reappeared in my life and we were in some sort of relationship but I kept wishing for it to be XBF in the dream. Then I woke up at 4am and didn't fall back asleep until right when it was time to get up (that plus stuff from yesterday I'll mention later).

I think what my obsessions are boiling down to is: were we just incompatible (particularly in what we wanted/where he was in life to handle a 'real' mutual relationship) or was I being crazy/unreasonable again (I guess "again" is relative - and influenced by XH) in that I was codependent, too needy, possessive, jealous etc. In other words: were we incompatible and therefore a bad relationship to begin with, or were we potentially compatible people that didn't work out because my destructive behavior contributed to it? And while people keep saying cr*p like "he just wasn't the one then. There are plenty of fish in the sea" it's really not helpful at all - because what if I keep finding people that COULD be "the one" but I mess it up?

Lots of second guessing and trying to replay in my mind what happened and remember it but it's foggier as time goes by. Like, when we went to dinner and I asked him what he had going on later in the week (which he later said was "prying" and he felt "constrained" by all my questions), I thought I was being conversational and showing interest in his life and being connected, but did I have a ton of judgment/nosiness that was negative? I don't know. I try to remind myself that I felt like I wasn't important to him, that I was mostly a "weekend" girlfriend, but then I remember that he DID text me during the workday and maybe it wasn't that bad - I'm too needy.

I'm sort of hoping the IC will say "oh no, you're totally reasonable, these are normal relationship needs and he just didn't want to meet them!" and a weight will magically be lifted, but it's like some punishment-loving part of myself wants to beat myself up over my behavior whether it was reasonable to most people or not.

And, of course.. thinking that maybe we weren't in the same place/page right now leads me to thoughts like "well maybe in a few months he will be.. and then.."... I think about whether he'll contact me, realize he really misses me and I added value to his life, etc. The way he ended it he described me as being constricted and feeling guilty, like I was controlling, and apparently no value added there.

So I had my first volunteer shift yesterday and was pretty excited about it. It involves selling used books and using a cash-register. We couldn't do practice transactions but I had a manual that seemed pretty straightforward. Right when I was getting ready to pack up someone came and bought several items. I thought I was following the instructions to add each item, add tax, etc. but I got a grand total of $4.06 for $4.00 worth of merchandise (not 5.5% tax, for sure!) So I tried it a different way and got $4.17 which sounded alright.. but I later calculated and realized it wasn't, so I didn't charge the person enough. And in the process, made a mess of the sales transactions because there weren't instructions on voiding a transaction, how to record a transaction with multiple items, etc. So just sort of a mess overall. I wrote an email to the volunteer coordinator explaining what happened, asking if I had the buttons in the right order or not and some questions about the details.. but I felt SO DUMB afterwards. I have a master's degree and can't ring up $4 worth of books. Which then led me to feeling like I was a total F-up overall in life.. and missing XBF even more because I wanted so bad to tell him what happened, hear him tell me it'd be OK and I'm great like he always would (which then lead me to thinking.. he was actually pretty great, how did I scare him away!) etc. etc. So, rough day.

[Maybell]

First off, I want to point out something that I said to Sunny the other day:

Sometimes I think we are not so unhealthy as we've been led to think by the way our interactions with the unhealthy former spouses. I was talking to a friend who had dealt with a similar situation with someone in his life and his take was: These people have different processing engines than the rest of us. You can take the same inputs and get one set of responses from healthy people and a completely different set of responses from the unhealthy ones, and there is just nothing to be done about it. So your biggest challenge isn't so much that *you* have a problem in relationships, but that your 26 years with Mr. Perfect have conditioned you to behave in a way that was effective with him but not effective with a healthy partner. Perhaps reframing the condition that way will help?

Secondly,

And while people keep saying cr*p like "he just wasn't the one then. There are plenty of fish in the sea" it's really not helpful at all - because what if I keep finding people that COULD be "the one" but I mess it up?

I'll be kind first and say that I have been struggling with this with New Guy A LOT and he has been very wise and kind about discussing it with me. He frames his responses to me in a way that supports me escaping this kind of thinking. This is what makes him the right guy for me right now. Is he the right one for always??? I have NO IDEA. But he is helping me grow for now and that is a big part of what I value in the relationship (aside from a lot of more normal things, like mutual interests, values, etc.)

Now I'm going to bop you over the head and say that anyone who does NOT support you in being your best self is NOT the right guy for you. You can not mess up with the right guy because he's going to bring out your best. He will welcome sharing his week with you. He will want to know about your week. He won't make you chase down intimacy, he'll offer it, even if it means he has to be brave. That is what emotional availability looks like.

but I felt SO DUMB afterwards. I have a master's degree and can't ring up $4 worth of books. Which then led me to feeling like I was a total F-up overall in life.. and missing XBF even more because I wanted so bad to tell him what happened, hear him tell me it'd be OK and I'm great like he always would (which then lead me to thinking.. he was actually pretty great, how did I scare him away!) etc. etc.

Quit being so down on yourself!!

If the IC says exactly what you're hoping, it won't matter, because until you believe these things from yourself, from inside your own core, it will just be another input. (And you know that the positive inputs from the IC or from your fans here are not nearly as strong in your mind as the negative ones from XH or XBF). You need a solid center of strength. This won't come from hearing validation from others -- whether it's me, XBF, the IC, or whoever.

You must FIND YOUR OWN WORTH. [b][/b]

It's in there, sweetie. Believe in it.

Now, tell me 5 things you did well yesterday. No matter how small or mundane.