KGirl - new life, new stuff

[KGirl]

Hmm.. the volunteering thing brings up some good examples of problems in these relationships. With XH, we shared a car, but it was "his" car since he purchased it with his funds, so his things got first priority. He played soccer 2-3x a week, it wasn't always on consistent nights, and when he'd come home from work would be unpredictable, so I wasn't really able to do anything on a weekly basis (sounds bad, huh?) Even when I had an event far in advance that I knew about and really wanted to do, it was a huge deal to get him to come home from work at the "regular" time or ask someone for a ride or adjust his schedule. But yet, when he took the car for a trip and left it at an airport 5 hours away (to meet his buddy, instead of flying out of the airport in town where I could have dropped him off), I was expected to just deal with it and it wasn't even a question. With XBF, I found myself wanting to keep my evenings free because for most of the R I never knew when I would see him next - if he'd ask me today to do something tomorrow, for example. It wasn't until early January that I finally said "This really isn't working for me, I'd really like to talk on the weekend when we see each other about when I'll see you during the week so I can plan accordingly and not get anxious about when I might see you again." Which he said he could do, but then I felt like sort of mocked me or made a big deal about it like he was doing me a big favor... "we haven't talked yet about when we'll get together this week, we better do that." He was much more of a go with the flow, not planning ahead sort of person. Obviously problems in both areas.

Yeah, I'm functional I guess, just not in a place where I thought I'd be by now. I still find it hard to get up in the mornings. I cry once a day, minimal. Really dumb things remind me of him and throw me into a state. Like I tried to work on a grocery shopping list and look at my coupon blog, which I loved to do, but the last time I did a big coupon run XBF was here and he came to the store with me so I kept thinking about that and couldn't do it. I still have a lot of obsessive, ruminating thoughts about why this happened, was it me/was it him/was it a combination of things and what was my part in it, was it just that we were incompatible so we shouldn't have stayed together (and where's the line between incompatible and the idea that relationships aren't perfect and take work? I feel like in these 2 R's I've felt like we just needed to work out things and the other party was like "I'm not happy right now, therefore I'm outta here.") Looking forward to starting counseling next week and hoping that will help me figure it out. Sometimes I try and tell myself "he just wasn't ready for an adult relationship, that's all there is to it" but then I worry I'm being too simplistic and not self-reflective enough in tidying up my side of the street.

Yes, I did start to project myself with him! I mean, two weeks before the breakup, he brought up the idea of living together and said he would look forward to having me to "come home to" and that he was really happy with me. I met his family, he invited me to holidays (even though they didn't happen, I was hung up on the thought). So yeah, I thought there was a future here and he was in it like I was... even though he did say he "wasn't on the same page" as me. I guess I should have listened to that part and not the other parts.

My mom just made that up to be clever/funny, I'm sure. People who are not in our family think she is hilarious. Those of us who grew up/lived with her know better. She tends to put on a front but there isn't substance behind it. Apparently there are some FOO issues I need to explore here that I didn't during D - attitude being "I just ignore my family, so they can't be a source of problems."

I wore jeans today but I have an excuse - it's snowstorming out! And then I volunteer tonight, so I didn't want to spend the day schlepping around in business casual.