You're right, I am in great company. I appreciate all of you guys.
I slept ok last night but had a heck of a time falling asleep. I laid there in the dark for 2 hours just thinking about my sitch.
I scanned our entire relationship looking for signs and clues that I could have picked up on and chose to ignore for fear of rocking the boat.
I'm not the same guy I used to be. When I met W, I was much more confident. When she would act like a jerk, I would simply leave and tell her to call me when she wanted to talk. I was detached.
Over time, I slowly made her my world. And when I realized that she was my world, I also realized I could be devestated if she were to ever pull the plug. This is where I started to change.
I started over-investing in the R. I would try harder than her. I would try to talk our issues out with her and it seemed like she slowly put our relationship on cruise control.
And then when she finally did leave 18 months ago during the first bomb, I was such a wreck. We started piecing and I pretty much walked on eggshells for the last 18 months. We never really got to the root of our issue.
I was in counseling and she just did her own thing. No therapy, no AA, nothing. In fact, she was secretly relapsing the whole time I thought we were planning our future. I can't identify any clues that would have tipped me off to any of this. Perhaps I should have made some suprise visits to her place but that in itself is unhealthy and not detached.
One clue that I wish I would have acted on, was the change in her demeanor when we first bought our house. We moved in and it was like a light switch, she became very oppositional. She went from excited to be a home owner to "I'm not going to take any crap from anyone".
Granted, I was stressed with the purchase of the house, I had to do all the leg work, the house is solely in my name. But I wasn't being an ass.
I should have spent more time trying to talk with her about what she was feeling. But I honestly don't know if she would have been honest with me.
I really think that maybe she was withdrawing from alcohol. She was living with me now and had to give up her secret life. In turn, I think she started to resent me.
She would have conversations with me that life wasn't fair and that she knows she could have a drink every now and then. When I wouldn't buy into her theory, she would accuse me of calling her a liar. She would make me the bad guy because I wouldn't say "honey, I agree, I think you can drink one every now and then".
I think she might associate me with sobriety. And she doesn't think she has an issue with alcohol anymore.
