For those of you that followed my interaction with my H today over email and text about our Spring Break miscommunication, I received this text tonight while I was at divorcecare:
H: I stand by my perspective but I am sorry I blew it out of proportion. We can figure it out on another day. Enjoy your evening.
This is completely out of character and I about fell out of my chair when I saw it. I think this goes back to him wanting to be my friend, so I guess validating at least will make us civil co-parents....
Last edited by Cadet; 03/01/1602:39 AM. Reason: link
M 44 H 46 M 20yrs T 25 yrs S15 S12
ILYBINILWY 7/18/15 Move to MBR 9/8/15 Physical Separation 10/10/15 Suspect A 8/2015 Confirm A 12/27/15 D filed by H 2/2/16
I just skimmed over the exchange. I don't need to know the details, who's right or wrong, etc. I just know that you two have to co-parent. Him expressing frustration towards you, criticizing your communication or proposals, etc, none of that is helping the co-parenting relationship. And none of it has anything to do with you.
Maybe he feels he is the 'one up' in your relationship because you wanted the M to work and he doesn't, so he should be able to leverage that to get whatever he wants. No go Mr. WAS. Yes, you'd have liked to fulfill your vows and make the partnership work had he not involved a 3rd party and destroyed the lives you two were planning, but not only does that not give him the right to do further damage to you, your psyche, and your family time, it gives him less right. Enough is enough.
Do be collaborative. Do reply from a place of detachment and with the best interest of your children at the forefront. Do be open minded and learn from your mistakes, do your best to work within his communication style and preferences, and in all other ways be a good partner in co-parenting within the bounds of that relationship. And do act in a way that you'll feel good about, regardless of his reaction.
He'll eventually learn he can't manipulate you...or he won't. He'll eventually realize what he lost...or he won't. Either way, you won't be waiting and praying for him to make this discovery. There WILL be a time soon where you truly shrug the way you would if you met a rude clerk at the post office.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Oh, and please don't copy/paste text or email exchanges, as if he for some reason google searched an obscure/specific phrase he used to see if you were posting it somewhere it could lead him right here. Who knows, maybe he wonders if you are posting it on facebook or a forum...it's not likely, but why take the chance. Just change a few key words. Thanks!
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
It may be hard Broke, if it were me getting that text I would leave it at that. What else is there to say. It does feel great when they apologize, it lifts confusion for the time and almost makes thing feel normal. Remember your way of handling it today. It was not easy to get through and H was upset, however he took the time to reflect on it. That is a positive.
So glad you are rocking the DB Broke
The person that you will spend the most time with in your life is yourself, so make yourself as interesting as possible.
I think this is a positive on your sitch. You validated and he thought about it and came back softer.
This is what you want to see. By your actions, you were able to influence his.
I wouldn't worry so much about the friend zone thing. You aren't being buddy buddy with him. But you are showing a side of yourself that inspired him to apologize.
Think about it. IF H had absolutely zero interest in you for whatever reason, he would remain indifferent. The opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference. If he was indifferent, he couldn't have cared less to send you that text.
Do be collaborative. Do reply from a place of detachment and with the best interest of your children at the forefront. Do be open minded and learn from your mistakes, do your best to work within his communication style and preferences, and in all other ways be a good partner in co-parenting within the bounds of that relationship. And do act in a way that you'll feel good about, regardless of his reaction.
Zeus - these are words to live by. Part of the problem is I let myself be manipulated while we were married when it came to the kids. I always changed my plans for the kids or for him. I put the kids first, then him and then me. So, I'm sure he thought I would change or cancel my plans. I thought it was what was in the best interests of my kids then. But it wasn't. My M and H suffered for it and I became overwhelmed because I never had "balance" for myself. So, I now have to learn what his communication style is and figure out how not to be fall back into old patterns of being controlled. It's going to be a learning process for H and me.
Thanks for your feedback. You always add great perspective and I'm appreciative!
M 44 H 46 M 20yrs T 25 yrs S15 S12
ILYBINILWY 7/18/15 Move to MBR 9/8/15 Physical Separation 10/10/15 Suspect A 8/2015 Confirm A 12/27/15 D filed by H 2/2/16
Thanks for checking in and for the support! I feel like I learn so much about myself because everyone here opens themselves up to share their experiences, their mistakes and advice. I only wish I would've found this board 7 months ago! It felt good validating today (without using the word "but" or getting defensive) and it felt good not letting my emotions get the best of me. I know the process is so up and down and I'll make tons more mistakes. But I'll keep learning from them and try to be the best co-parent, parent and partner (with or without H) in the future.
M 44 H 46 M 20yrs T 25 yrs S15 S12
ILYBINILWY 7/18/15 Move to MBR 9/8/15 Physical Separation 10/10/15 Suspect A 8/2015 Confirm A 12/27/15 D filed by H 2/2/16
Do be collaborative. Do reply from a place of detachment and with the best interest of your children at the forefront. Do be open minded and learn from your mistakes, do your best to work within his communication style and preferences, and in all other ways be a good partner in co-parenting within the bounds of that relationship. And do act in a way that you'll feel good about, regardless of his reaction.
This is so good Zues. I'm writing this and hanging it up right now.
Broke, it sounds like you rocked your validation today! It truly was a thing of beauty and to paraphrase what Thornton said, you're self-control and careful communication inspired H's soft response. Way to go lady, do you offer private sessions on this? Lol.
"Be messy and complicated and afraid and show up anyways."
Hope - you are too kind. I used Wonka's cheat sheet because it was texting and I had time to consult it, but it was a good exercise to practice. And, I didn't get defensive or let my emotions get the best of me, so it was a small victory. Now, if I could just communicate via text all the time it would be so nice!
So, how many feel like this:
I long for the day when I don't go to bed thinking about my sitch or waking up thinking about my sitch. I would love for the knot in my stomach that has been there for 7 months to go away....
M 44 H 46 M 20yrs T 25 yrs S15 S12
ILYBINILWY 7/18/15 Move to MBR 9/8/15 Physical Separation 10/10/15 Suspect A 8/2015 Confirm A 12/27/15 D filed by H 2/2/16
